My wife and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat outside, when our taxi arrived, we walked out of the front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs and ran inside, then ran up the stairs.

Because our cat likes to annoy our budgie in its cage, we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my I ran inside to retrieve her and this time put her in the back garden

Because we didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, my wife explained to him that I would be out momentarily as I was just saying goodnight to her mother. A few minutes later I got into the taxi all hot and bothered, as the taxi pulled away, apologised for the delay saying;

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the back garden,....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....