I am far from perfect as many are. Over the past year or two I have been trying to find religion. However, I've noticed Ive been trying to find a religion that justifies my poor decisions or hateful/disgusting outlook on life. Telling myself, there's no way pedophiles should be able to walk among us, and into the woodchipper I should throw them. People who harm children or others violently should die at my hands or another vengeful persons hands. I always looked to tell homosexuals and trans that they are disgusting, sick, and wrong. Ive berated liberals, democrats, and Republicans, with bias to conservatives. I've noticed that I constantly feel like I have a moral high ground as I shout, don't kill babies, fags shouldn't exist and someone should tell them, fuck joe biden, fuck this fuck that. To be honest it felt great, Its almost like I was using others as a stepping stool to get up on my high horse. Our whole existence is very short lived on this floating ball ripping through space. Yet I spend it angry at the the Bill Gates and Soros's of the world. In my head demanding punishment for their actions. It's hard to not want harm on them for what they do to the world, but I don't know what should happen to them. These thoughts boil all the way down to my own trauma throughout my personal experiences in my home life. I want to change but don't even know where to begin, I don't truly know right or wrong even when it seems evident. I hope the higher power that be help me discover a path forward. For eternal suffering sounds far beyond miserable, and I would love to see my deceased relatives again.
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The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction (Proverbs 1:7)
For the Lord gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding (Proverbs 2:6).
It is interesting that when Solomon could ask to receive anything at all from God, he chose wisdom. It is through wisdom that we find the Lord through knowledge and understanding. One of the first things that you have to understand is that the punishment you want to give to others is the punishment you deserve also, in the eyes of God...for ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God." When you understand that, you realize that your sins (which condemn you) are like filthy rags, and you are in need of a Savior...just like the worst of the worst...
Fortunately, the answer for Soros or Gates is the same answer for you, because the fear of the Lord (and His judgement) is the beginning of knowledge and this knowledge brings you to Jesus Christ, the Son of God who has given you the only way to stand before God...forgiven. You should start reading the book of John and work your way through the Gospels and the New Testament. Pay special attention to John chapter 3 and what Jesus taught Nicodemus.
The key to salvation is knowing Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and as you spend time in the Bible you will understand who Jesus is and why he said that he is "the way, the truth and the Life; no one comes to the Father except through him." God will give you the necessary wisdom and understanding to read through the scripture and understand his truth, all you have to do is ask. I pray that God blesses you on your journey...one of the most important things you can do in your life is to have an understanding of who God is and to know Jesus as your personal Savior.