I am far from perfect as many are. Over the past year or two I have been trying to find religion. However, I've noticed Ive been trying to find a religion that justifies my poor decisions or hateful/disgusting outlook on life. Telling myself, there's no way pedophiles should be able to walk among us, and into the woodchipper I should throw them. People who harm children or others violently should die at my hands or another vengeful persons hands. I always looked to tell homosexuals and trans that they are disgusting, sick, and wrong. Ive berated liberals, democrats, and Republicans, with bias to conservatives. I've noticed that I constantly feel like I have a moral high ground as I shout, don't kill babies, fags shouldn't exist and someone should tell them, fuck joe biden, fuck this fuck that. To be honest it felt great, Its almost like I was using others as a stepping stool to get up on my high horse. Our whole existence is very short lived on this floating ball ripping through space. Yet I spend it angry at the the Bill Gates and Soros's of the world. In my head demanding punishment for their actions. It's hard to not want harm on them for what they do to the world, but I don't know what should happen to them. These thoughts boil all the way down to my own trauma throughout my personal experiences in my home life. I want to change but don't even know where to begin, I don't truly know right or wrong even when it seems evident. I hope the higher power that be help me discover a path forward. For eternal suffering sounds far beyond miserable, and I would love to see my deceased relatives again.
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To be honest, religion is a well abused and misused structure. Since you are here, you can read and codify thoughts into words. That is an outstanding start. The next step is to read the great works of Buddhism, The Holy Bible and the Koran. I think you will be surprised to find that many of the basic tenets are identical. For the Bible and the Koran, it is not too difficult, since one was the inspiration of the other, however the teachings of Buddha are surprisingly similar to the teachings of Jesus. The similarities pretty much end when speaking about behavior and "Righteous" living, as well as how to treat your fellow man (and animals). At the end of the day, I believe your relationship with God is your own and is a party of two. The vast majority of humanity has the knowledge of good and evil within each of us. Whichever side you dedicate yourself to will be the type of person you will be. We are all fallible, the difference comes in when you fight the urge to do wrong and instead plant your feet firmly on the path to Righteousness. When it comes to violence, there will be a multitude of differing opinions. I have resolved myself into a purely defensive nature of violent action. I extend this to those that would harm the weak without cause or mete out violence against those that cannot defend themselves. I am contented with this course and my decision. It is not for everyone and I am sure there will be counter opinions. At the end of the day, I can only do what my conscience will allow me to. Anything else is a sin that I must atone for.