Thank you for your honesty. Yes that gives a much clearer picture. So I would strongly encourage you to focus on prayer. prayer has had such a huge impact on my life. I started small. 1 min a day at the same time each day. I started by praying on my head but truly praying out loud helped me the most. It helped me focus and not space off as much. Also keep in mind that praying is very awkward at first. U won't always feel like doing it but eventually u will grow to love it. Speak to God as if he is right next to u(cause he is) speak to him as u would a fren, because he is your best friend. be completely honest and open. If ur mad don't hide it. Express it to the father and ask for help. I am here if u have any questions, need to vent. If u ever wanna pray together I'm willing to set something up and we can talk more on zoom or something. No pressure just know I am here how ever I can serve. Keep seeking. The feelings you feel are normal for all new believers. Blessings are ahead my fren. God loves u more than u can ever know. I love u as well. God bless