I, too, have lost a beloved child, so I understand both your doubts about the worthiness of your pleadings to God and your calmness in "going home" to see and hold that child again. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was very calm, and as you well know, the one thing you have in abundance as a bereaved parent, is perspective.

I can't speak to your cancer because every case is different, but I do believe I was blessed with drs who did their best to save me. After the surgery, the biopsy determined the tiny cancer was very aggressive, and my oncologist gave me the percentages for recurrence based on treatment. My cancer was gone after surgery, and with chemo and radiation, I've been cancer free for 11 years. Side effects? Oh yes, but in those 11 years I have watched my son go from troubled to sober, married to a wonderful woman and have celebrated the birth of two of the most beautiful babies ever.

Oh, and my daughters death led me and my husband to Jesus and next week, my son and both grandchildren will be baptized. So, weighing everything? Side effects? Pshaw. God is in charge and answers all prayers in His own way, in His own time.

I pray that you listen to Him and do your best. Wish I could hug you, my dear.