About 14 days ago, after 34 years of keeping the secret, I finally opened up and told a brother in Christ i had been raped as a little boy. Against my wishes, the Holy Spirit willed that my wife and others hear the truth as well.
Married 9 years almost and she knew nothing of this though she invariably experienced the self loathing, humiliation, guilt, shame, anger, and hatred that i allowed sanctuary in my heart.
I was 6 years old. I was a little boy and all the things little boys should have were robbed from me. I have struggled mightily the past 6 years with this burden. My marriage bears numerous scars from the sin i committed as a result of the "secret."
About 30 days ago God made it clear He was going after this in me. About 14 days ago I laid this at the foot of the cross. My life is in disary presently but the Spirit is moving.
These people that rape little kids, and do worse, are on a level of evil that is astounding. I have caused so much hurt, chaos, and sin as a result of my sin of keeping the secret; of not giving this hurt over to Jesus.
It is no more. Satan's major vector for attacking me has been extinguished by the Lords doing. I will have to repair the damage i caused, but these people who do this to little ones need a millstone desperately. The way the pain they cause reverberates throughout the victims life is atrocious.
Jesus will repair my brokenness and the brokeness i created as a result, but God, i pray, give justice to the victims and vengenance to the abusers. Heal our nation Jesus of the scourge that is pedophilia. Heal and bless all those who struggle Lord by what was done to us and help us to find healing in you alone Jesus.
I am very sad for you and all those victimized, especially as children, who are helpless against the evils that adults perpetrate against them. I pray for your healing in body, mind and spirit. It is human nature to frequently revisit things we have turned over to God. I recommend that when you realize that you are "revisiting", that you pray for forgiveness for the "revisiting", reminding yourself that you gave it to God (and there are no "take backs"). As you do this, you'll make yourself aware sooner in these events and eventually, when thoughts start to go there, you can just say a prayer and let it go. God bless you, fren, and your family.
4 or 5 days after i surrendered it at the foot of Christ's cross I went back to the cross to "see if it was still there." Clearly a lack of trust in Him. He knows it though and forgives. He is training me up for something and healing is all I desire now. I desire His will and His timing on this. I'm strapped in willing to go, do, and say whatever i need to on the walk of restoration with the Holy Spirit.