I like your thinking. How would one ban hand sanitizer though?

State that People get addicted to the smell of isopropyl alcohol. And that exposure to that stuff can cause fetal alcohol syndrome, or something. [insert picture of someone wit dark rings under their eyes]. Offer a solution that washing one's hands is more effective.

As for masks - they are an environmental hazard, clogging the storm water systems. They should be banned to protect the planet.