Was invited by two close friends to attend their church service today. The wife was singing in the choir. We met several years ago and met through an automotive enthusiast group and became friends. Laugh together, joke together...our personalities just meshed. Over the past year or so we have grown apart yet text each other out of the blue, etc. Last week was "Hey, come with us....and just listen."
I was raised Roman Catholic in the rural midwest. While I was not an alter boy, was part of the boys group of the church that did summer camp and some other get togethers. Around 10 years old or so, the priest took me under his wing, said he liked what he saw in me and wanted to help me learn the bible better.
That "learning" turned into almost four years of mental, physical and sexual abuse until I was close to 14. Came home crying one day and bleeding in my shorts. When I told my parents, their response was "what did you do wrong to upset the priest?"
From them on I just withdrew as I thought it was me that I did something wrong. I've carried that withdraw with me for many years. As soon as I was 16 and could legally drive, I was out the door and gone from all of it including God. Looking back, I repressed all of that hurt, anxiety and anger and in my mind, rightfully so.
After covid, I was camping (2022) with the couple that invited me today. The husband is a Marine and we were sitting around a campfire and drinking all night talking about life, spirituality and everything else under the stars. Feeling safe and losing some inhibition I opened up to him about my past experiences. Wife had already gone to bed and it was just him and me.
He shared his experiences in the sandbox in Iraq and I shared my experiences under the priest. Once that came out the conversation became awkward as we were both fairly lit and uncertain as to how to proceed. Crying and sobbing, he said all of this is terrible and I don't have all the answers, but I am searching for them. When I do I will let you know. We ended the night about 3am under the stars in a tear stained hug with each other "Nite bro, love ya" kind of thing. When the sun came up the next day, we acting as nothing was discussed, had breakfast and went our separate ways.
Now at the end of 2023 and two weeks ago I get a joint text with him and wife. Address, date and time and just says "I found the answer. Come with us and just listen...." Pulled up the address and it is a church. I responded back I'm not interested. Few days go by and get another text and a conversation starts. Eventually I agree and we met up at church today.
It is a non-denominational church, one of those rock band style churches. His wife does have a wonderful voice and it was great to see her sing.
The sermon was relating to Luke (will look this up) regarding Zechariah and Elizabeth unable to have a baby until an angel brought them a message from God. Unsure of all of that.
Went in extremely sceptical but halfway through I kind of got into it. During the sermon I felt something and a tear came down my eye. We shall see if I go back and continue this, but took a lot of courage from me to attend but was easy to do with my friends.
Without the pedes on here praising daily and reading those posts and messages, not sure I would have done so. I do feel like something has been missing from my life, perhaps church is it. Not sure and taking all with a grain of salt until in my mind I am sure.
Nonetheless, wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I am open to see where this path leads!
I wrote all this before i saw Tumbleweed's comment. Im adding this: I am very angry at the comment made. Fren, you reached out to us and an asshole had to run their mouth...just be strong because tumbleweeds are out there. They are useless rumbling wads of sticks and brambles that serve no useful purpose other than to start a fire. Anyway...
Just hear me out for a minute...I just typed this out (4th paragraph down) to a young man I've known since he was 10. He was a punk back then; given everything and allowed to have anything he wanted from the kitchen to his room. He shot me in the nose with a pellet gun and his brother got in trouble for it.
There was no church, no faith, just lots of drinking, motorcycle clubbers, and noise. The kids were placated with electronics and gadgets. One evening after his dad left on the bike to go to the bar, I joined his mom on the front porch while she drank and smoked her pot. I saw the kid hanging around the edge of the yard kicking fireant beds. A beer bottle was thrown at him and he was told he was stupid for risking getting stung. I slipped away to go check on him.
It only took a few minutes to realize he was suicidal, he hated himself, and so I arranged for him and his brother to stay with us for the summer. That was in 2010. He went with our church youth to the beach where he was saved. He was baptized when they got back.
He is now a soldier and is polar opposite of what he was back then physically and mentally...he is smart, lean, and very wise for his age... but he is still suicidal, and lonely. He is very awake and hates the Army for the wokeness and maltreatment.
What I wrote tonight: "The moment you came up out of the water at your baptism you hollered out, "woo hoo!" You clearly understood yourself at that moment and the decision you had made. Why did you understand so easily? Because you were a child, with the heart, and reasoning of a child. Grown ups add way too much "figuring out stuff" to what life is and make it ridiculously tumultuous and for no reason. Pride, fear, guilt, loneliness, and on and on are what create doubt in our brain boxes -- doubt that we are worthy of love, or even lovable ourselves. I'll only say this one other thing. Jesus is real and that is why darkness hates us. If He wasn't such a threat, demons wouldn't try so hard to destroy us. I consider it a compliment to be a threat to the enemies of God. I swore an unconditional and unexpiring oath to defend my country against everything that would try to destroy our God-given rights; its a no-brainer that I would do the same for the very God who gave us those rights, the peace we have (and freely take for-granted) and His unwavering love for us that was proclaimed without excuse at the Cross.He clearly appreciated the heart of a child when he said, "Suffer the little children to come unto me; for such is the kingdom of heaven."
So, my dear Fren... love yourself for having enough courage to love yourself...and take the equipping you have been entrusted with and realize that you are a warrior! There are so many hurting people...they may not have been through such a traumatic ordeal as yours, but the emotional blank space is there nevertheless.
The enemy should have killed us when he had a chance...now what he has done is awaken a sleeping giant. The demons absolutely tremble at the mere sound of the name of Jesus Christ our Lord.
You are valuable, you are a threat, wear it all boldly yet humbly knowing that you are time-tested in the fire and survived for a reason.
Someone out there needs you desperately.
Thank you Sidetracked! I love what you wrote and is so moving and powerful. I am going to keep this in the back of my mind moving forward. Merry Christmas!