I'm blaming global warming for my hemorrhoid. What else could it be?

You seem cool, so I'll tell you a secret. I'm a bad, bad man. I'm actually pro-global warming, but not out of regard for some noble principle. I just like being warm, and I think that being warm is generally a good idea. To encourage more warmness I fart while I'm eating beef (for double effect), and I burn things to put more carbon into the air, like charcoal briquettes. I also cheer for hypocritical globetrotters when they fly over me in their private planes, while simultaneously releasing CO2 from soda bottles I have vigorously shaken.