First and foremost, I appreciate everyone's prayers and suggestions. This has been a very difficult time and it's been even harder not having a community. I'm so thankful to have found community here. Thank you.
For reference, this is in regards to this post: https://greatawakening.win/p/17t1fU9bUd/please-say-some-prayers-for-me-a/c/
Some people said I should snoop on her phone and see if I can get to the bottom of what's going on.
She left the house today and left her phone. Pretty bizarre that she did that. She never does that. Where'd she go? Who knows. I didn't ask. She was gone about two hours - honestly - I don't care and asking just shows clinginess. Going to cheat? I don't know. Saw that on our cameras she was wearing a bathing suit, so probably going to the beach. Though oddly enough there wasn't a speck of sand in the car. Hm.
Anyway, I actually feel like she left her phone as a test to see if I'd go on it (once you unlock it, the notifications disappear, so it's obvious someone was using it). She left it sitting right on the kitchen table. She knew I had my lunch break coming up and probably figured I'd try. Or maybe she just sincerely forgot her phone, who knows. I tapped it once - several notifications, but nothing that alarmed me. I didn't unlock the phone. Instead, I went and grabbed her computer. Messages are not linked up. Weird. But photos from her phone are synced.
What did I find?
Well, to elaborate on something ya'll dont know, her ex-husband passed away several years ago (4+ years ago now). I was there for her during this. It was really hard on her and, to be honest, it was really hard on me, but in a different way. Not trying to sound narcissistic, it was just really weird and difficult to watch your spouse of over a decade mourn the loss of her ex and have to comfort her over that. I did my best and went through it with love. It wouldn't have felt so weird if it didn't last so long - maybe a few weeks? She spent nearly a few months crying - every day was just straight miserable. We still have some of his belongings here in our house, alongside some of his ashes. It's weird.
Well, lo and behold, I see all these saved photos to her phone. Like each and every one saved every few days, every few weeks, over the last several months. All photos of him, photos of him and her together, variety of things that were all screengrabs from Facebook. Old comments on his facebook page from random people that say "We miss you", etc. Odd because we share a facebook account and I don't see that in the Facebook history log - guess she deleted it.
So this is weird. Maybe she's still in some kind of weird denial that she shouldn't have married me, should have stayed with him? I dont know. Note: I am not a 'homewrecker' - they were divorced for two years before we met. And in fact, what's weird as absolute hell, is she told me when we met the exact following quote: "He was such a terrible person - when we separated, I never went back. Not once. I never once went back." And I did see over the years just how he was with his outbursts and abuse. She loathed him while he was alive. Now that he's gone, he's a hero.
What are ya'lls thoughts on this? This is extremely unhealthy.
I've taken a lot of time to reflect. Here's what I've figured out that I need to be doing, at least for myself right now.
-Time to man up -Bought several books on masculinity -Bought some dumbbells for the house -Signed up for a gym membership -Read some articles and watched some videos on posture - going to stop carrying myself with a slouch and start being proud of who I am.
Time to present myself as a man and not be whiney about all this. We'll see what happens.
With ya'lls prayers, I can say that it has definitely helped my strength. A few days ago I felt like I was at the end. Like literally just the complete end of it all. Today, even with the above mentioned things, I felt a sense of strength. And, honestly, hope.
Thank you everyone.
I see. It sounds like she has emotionally 'checked out'. This may be temporary or permanent. If, as you've mentioned, you both have had a number of family members or loved ones die in a short time, this can mess with a person's sense of security and heirarchy, changing oneself from being 'OK' with normal trials and tribulations into suddenly feeling rudderless in the sea with no clear direction or idea what comes next.
If she has fallen into an apathetic or possibly private hysterical depression, i.e., she has her emotional crying and outbursts away from you when she is out for a walk or alone at home, this may be her way of processing her current unhappy situation.
If so, she may exist in a hollow state of emptiness as a means of coping. Her lack of willingness to communicate any further must be terrible. I feel for you.
Is there a family member or friend you can move in with for a time (paying rent of course) who can give you and your daughter shelter and also emotional support while lessoning your financial demands? Your financial distress is quite debilitating all by itself and must be remedied. You must also seek a trusted person who can allow you to share your worries and be supportive without being judgmental.
Your idea of improving yourself meanwhile, is correct thinking. Weight lifting, especially bench presses and squats has been clinically proven to increase testosterone in males. Lifting weights is more than just obtaining larger muscles. It increases your attractive masculine looks, increases your virility and allows you to see the strong, confident man that is hiding beneath, while actually making you a strong man in reality.
Also, take a good look at yourself. Could a better haircut or grooming method be in order? Can you get some natural sunlight to increase your vitamin D3 (sunbathe without sunscreen) to improve your health and also give your face/body some vivacity and color? You will look and feel better.
I will send prayers your way. I wish I had something more to offer you.