Guys ...
I'm at the point now where I just don't even want to be living anymore. I either want to just die or check myself into a psych ward.
Every single day we are under spiritual warfare. There is an argument about SOMETHING that creates a massive amount of tension. Things are taken out of context constantly. Conversations are not normal - any conversation, words are pulled and those words are debated rather than the full statement of the conversation.
Today's argument was that my youngest daughter took my 20 year old daughter's coloring book and colored a fucking page in it. My wife was telling me how "terrible" this is because our youngest needs to understand boundaries and know that it's "not her property" and respect her older sister's things. I really didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal. The kid wanted to color a page. Cool. She's being creative. Turns into this whole fucking thing where my youngest is screaming and crying and my wife is screaming at her that she needs to "BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS!" and then my oldest yelling alongside it and I'm trying to break everything up. Then when I try to do so I'm "undermining and not backing it up." I've told my youngest that she does need to respect other peoples things and not take things without asking, that its not right, and that she wouldnt like if someone did that to her things. But it honestly feels stupid to even have this conversation. I discipline her just fine and she's a good girl. She just wants to be a damn kid. I've tried to have the conversation of not creating mountains out of ant hills with my wife. Doesn't matter, in fact it makes things worse, with things like "I'M NOT GOING TO DISMISS HER BEHAVIOR!". This is just ONE example of hundreds. I deal with insane shit like this on the freaking daily.
Hours later, she knocks on her door (per Mom's request) to tell her that dinner is ready, to which she screams at her and tells her "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" which leaves her crying again. I tell her this is not acceptable behavior, that she was sent to tell her FOOD WAS READY and she's a messenger.
But then it's "I'm taking her side!" Then wife agrees that oldest shouldnt have acted that way in that specific moment. Yet then they decide to go watch a dating show together for three hours and laugh and act like nothing even happened - send our youngest to bed, if I say anything about it I'm 'undermining', and they get to enjoy laughing hysterically at some stupid materialistic bullshit tv show all the while hurting my daughter's feelings and destabilizing her emotions.
I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I really, really do. I have no outlets. I have no money to leave. I really feel like every day I am living in an actual nightmare. And I mean that in a non cliched way. I feel like I'm literally dreaming a nightmare and everyone has failed to wake me up.
I'll give another example: My wife does dog sitting. She watched this one dog and agreed to accepted cash app for payments. So we've watched him a few times. The most recent time, she was not paid. We're struggling with finances. The balance owed is $500. She literally said to me "WHAT SHOULD I DO IN THIS SITUATION." I gave my advice. She decided, since they've booked with us in the past, and that they're nice people, she wasn't going to contact them and ask for payment. I told her she needs to reach out and ask nicely if perhaps they forgot or something, maybe like "Hey I know you guys have a lot going on but I wanted to let you know I didnt receive payment yet." She straight up freaked out on me about this - that her decision was her decision and why was I not respecting her decision to not reach out to them. I'm like uh ... because they didn't pay you ... for your services ... and we need to pay our bills ... like ... what? "THIS IS HOW I FEEL. THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE, THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO SCREW US. I TOLD YOU I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE ASKING THEM FOR IT, WHY CANT YOU RESPECT THAT?!" then created an entire argument around this. Like ... an argument with me .. about not getting paid from a client ... and me suggesting she get paid. It literally makes zero freaking sense. I cannot reason with her. Whatsoever. Nothing is within any type of rational thinking.
I really am at the point where I just want to end life. I just have this tiny, tiny sliver left that is saying "that's Satan, kick him out."
I don't know how much more of this I can do. I really dont, yall. I don't know. I cannot afford to leave. I have like $500. I'm really at the point where I'm thinking that this has been the end of my life for a long time and I've not realized it - that it's just time to end life. I'm clinging on because of my kids. That's it. But if I'm going to be pitted against them and everyone, then what even is the purpose. Why am I here. I wake up every day to go to work and just pray to God for his strength because I can't muster an ounce of energy. I am at the point where I'm quite sincerely going to have a mental breakdown.
Add on top if it I have my mother who is a complete narcissist texting me and telling me how hurt she is that I only come visit a few times a month and how wrong that is of me and how I should be over there at least a few times per week. And how she never feels good - then I suggest some things - then those things aren't good enough - it's just non freaking stop. Then telling me that she's going to die soon and why am I not doing more for her.
This entire planet is trying to drain every ounce of energy I have. I wish I could just go get my own little apartment somewhere with my daughter. Just can't afford to do so, and I'm working two jobs. The time that I have off is just filled with arguments and anger. I have no peace and no downtime to myself.
Someone please help me. Please.
Horrible situation. I think you are getting some good hard-line advice. I don't like the soft-line advice because it all amounts to "bottle it up and swallow it." That is never good.
You are in a family where you are not the husband and you are not the father, inasmuch as they do not respect your priority of authority and their dependence on you. It might be useful to simply proceed with smashing their assumption that they can walk all over you and kick you around. For example, about the tardy dog sitting fee payment: Tell your wife, very simply and quietly, that the deadbeats will be contacted and the only option is whether it will be her or you who does it. And you will do it tomorrow if it is not already done by then. End of message.
As for the family emotional mayhem, find your master power panel and see if it has provision for a lock to be applied. If it does, get one. When the mayhem sets up, just go to the power panel, open it, open the master switch to power-out the entire house, and lock the panel shut. Go back to their newfound bewilderment and tell them that until they want to make peace and stop raising a ruckus and apologize to you, they can think their thoughts in darkness. Be sure you are the only one with a flashlight. This will get Real whenever anyone needs to make a bowel movement in complete darkness. If the house starts to get cold, let them decide how much chill they want to experience before they change their tune. (Admittedly, this is based on the premise that they are so shallow, they would not experience very much discomfort before they would surrender their own position.)
When I was growing up, I was impressed with the fact that my parents were Forces of Nature. There was no argument. There was only compliance, and if disobedient, punishment and remorse. Your wife has evidently decided to act like a child, but a child who has learned to like being a bully. So, you have three girls cat-fighting for pecking order. You are the only adult.
My brother fell into a similar problem and it got the better of him. He had two daughters, and the wife and the daughters, being the majority out of a family of 4, were always making the decisions on what recreation or entertainment they would pursue. His wishes were simply IGNORED. Eventually, he took to visiting an old school friend who lived 100 miles away, and they would set up a roaring campfire and drink a pack or two of beer. He got to the point where he would go through a six-pack of beer watching evening television. No problem. He was a respected and competent aeronautical engineer, so there was no problem, right? It turns out that binge drinking does not allow the metabolic products of alcohol to be entirely disposed of by the body and some intermediate products wound up being excreted by the kidneys. Some of these are carcinogenic. He wound up with bladder cancer and had to have it removed and replaced by a construct made from some of his lower colon. And then he got peritonitis from the incomplete healing from the surgery, and needed to have 80% of his bowels resected, living on a bag in his side. By about this time, he and his wife had divorced. He was still looking forward to having a life, but then was found near death in his apartment from kidney failure. So, on to a life of dialysis, 3 times weekly. That was the time at which I was starting to re-connect with him, as we had lost touch when he was withdrawing from his family problems. And, finally, after he had bought a new house and made plans for what to do next with his life, he was found in the morning, dead before the fireplace in his beanbag chair from heart failure (which, unaccountably, tends to follow those who are into long-term dialysis). I was the executor of his will. The ex-wife was no longer in the will, but she acted like she had rights in the matter. The daughters were all about what they could plunder from his estate, and even resorted to open theft of his goods before I could begin disposition (they were the heirs). No one was interested in any artifacts or records testifying to his exemplary performance as a Navy officer and as an engineering manager. The daughters got married and moved away to be near the mother. My brother's memory and our side of their family was left behind to drift over the horizon.
So what is the moral of the story? If you don't act on your own behalf, no one will do it for you. If you can't make your position stick as head of the family, pull out the plug and make it clear who is dependent on whom. (Clamp down on the bank account, or make a new one in your name only, and move all the joint funds into it. If they want to eat, they must mollify You. Rip up the coloring book in front of them, and throw it out with the crayons.) Insist on being heard, or else. It's up to you to understand what "or else" must be, or you will have to realize you are holding a worthless hand of cards. Maybe you will not be loved...by bratty, immature, self-centered predators. In all things, it is first necessary to be respected. Without respect, there can be no love. If they try to whine or berate you or guilt trip you, let it wash off like the sewage it is. You can have a grave with a tombstone that they will never look at...or you can have a life. You have to make some very searching choices. You do not have to put up with this shit. They are dependent on you, so draw in the reins---sharply---to get their attention.
At least think this over. Can I say this is the Right thing to do? I think it is, but you need to agree in your heart that it makes sense. Godspeed.
Really sorry about your brother. This is a really powerful message and I need to reread it a few times. Thank you for this.
Thanks for the sympathy. As part of the estate culling process, I collected all of his Navy fitness reviews. He always had high ratings, and every single one was recommending accelerated promotion. His daughters didn't care a whit. He was a good brother, a good man, a good officer, a good husband and father, and a good engineering manager. And I miss him.
Think the message through. I've learned that a lot of life, maturity, and sanity rest on recognizing what is true. Godspeed.