Guys ...
I'm at the point now where I just don't even want to be living anymore. I either want to just die or check myself into a psych ward.
Every single day we are under spiritual warfare. There is an argument about SOMETHING that creates a massive amount of tension. Things are taken out of context constantly. Conversations are not normal - any conversation, words are pulled and those words are debated rather than the full statement of the conversation.
Today's argument was that my youngest daughter took my 20 year old daughter's coloring book and colored a fucking page in it. My wife was telling me how "terrible" this is because our youngest needs to understand boundaries and know that it's "not her property" and respect her older sister's things. I really didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal. The kid wanted to color a page. Cool. She's being creative. Turns into this whole fucking thing where my youngest is screaming and crying and my wife is screaming at her that she needs to "BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS!" and then my oldest yelling alongside it and I'm trying to break everything up. Then when I try to do so I'm "undermining and not backing it up." I've told my youngest that she does need to respect other peoples things and not take things without asking, that its not right, and that she wouldnt like if someone did that to her things. But it honestly feels stupid to even have this conversation. I discipline her just fine and she's a good girl. She just wants to be a damn kid. I've tried to have the conversation of not creating mountains out of ant hills with my wife. Doesn't matter, in fact it makes things worse, with things like "I'M NOT GOING TO DISMISS HER BEHAVIOR!". This is just ONE example of hundreds. I deal with insane shit like this on the freaking daily.
Hours later, she knocks on her door (per Mom's request) to tell her that dinner is ready, to which she screams at her and tells her "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" which leaves her crying again. I tell her this is not acceptable behavior, that she was sent to tell her FOOD WAS READY and she's a messenger.
But then it's "I'm taking her side!" Then wife agrees that oldest shouldnt have acted that way in that specific moment. Yet then they decide to go watch a dating show together for three hours and laugh and act like nothing even happened - send our youngest to bed, if I say anything about it I'm 'undermining', and they get to enjoy laughing hysterically at some stupid materialistic bullshit tv show all the while hurting my daughter's feelings and destabilizing her emotions.
I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I really, really do. I have no outlets. I have no money to leave. I really feel like every day I am living in an actual nightmare. And I mean that in a non cliched way. I feel like I'm literally dreaming a nightmare and everyone has failed to wake me up.
I'll give another example: My wife does dog sitting. She watched this one dog and agreed to accepted cash app for payments. So we've watched him a few times. The most recent time, she was not paid. We're struggling with finances. The balance owed is $500. She literally said to me "WHAT SHOULD I DO IN THIS SITUATION." I gave my advice. She decided, since they've booked with us in the past, and that they're nice people, she wasn't going to contact them and ask for payment. I told her she needs to reach out and ask nicely if perhaps they forgot or something, maybe like "Hey I know you guys have a lot going on but I wanted to let you know I didnt receive payment yet." She straight up freaked out on me about this - that her decision was her decision and why was I not respecting her decision to not reach out to them. I'm like uh ... because they didn't pay you ... for your services ... and we need to pay our bills ... like ... what? "THIS IS HOW I FEEL. THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE, THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO SCREW US. I TOLD YOU I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE ASKING THEM FOR IT, WHY CANT YOU RESPECT THAT?!" then created an entire argument around this. Like ... an argument with me .. about not getting paid from a client ... and me suggesting she get paid. It literally makes zero freaking sense. I cannot reason with her. Whatsoever. Nothing is within any type of rational thinking.
I really am at the point where I just want to end life. I just have this tiny, tiny sliver left that is saying "that's Satan, kick him out."
I don't know how much more of this I can do. I really dont, yall. I don't know. I cannot afford to leave. I have like $500. I'm really at the point where I'm thinking that this has been the end of my life for a long time and I've not realized it - that it's just time to end life. I'm clinging on because of my kids. That's it. But if I'm going to be pitted against them and everyone, then what even is the purpose. Why am I here. I wake up every day to go to work and just pray to God for his strength because I can't muster an ounce of energy. I am at the point where I'm quite sincerely going to have a mental breakdown.
Add on top if it I have my mother who is a complete narcissist texting me and telling me how hurt she is that I only come visit a few times a month and how wrong that is of me and how I should be over there at least a few times per week. And how she never feels good - then I suggest some things - then those things aren't good enough - it's just non freaking stop. Then telling me that she's going to die soon and why am I not doing more for her.
This entire planet is trying to drain every ounce of energy I have. I wish I could just go get my own little apartment somewhere with my daughter. Just can't afford to do so, and I'm working two jobs. The time that I have off is just filled with arguments and anger. I have no peace and no downtime to myself.
Someone please help me. Please.
Thanks for answering. I deleted the message, because I felt that it was too personal, but, I am glad you read it. If you need help with the oils list, or more explanation - please consider using the PMs. Yes, once you become aware of the nature of the cycle of insanity, you can proceed with a game plan. If you can discuss the issue in a 'good' part of the cycle, so that you can determine that she needs to be confined to a cosy place, with service, then marital and family harmony can prevail. Also, separating the arguing parties with doors helps. Perhaps there is a way of understanding the full moon as well. There is alot of light and energy during that time, and one CAN tap in the positives. When we were living close to nature (i.e. in a bus with lots of windows) we would do all-nighters of talking about stuff by candle-light, because we could not sleep, anyway. If it coincides with PMT, you would be surprised how talking about stuff and serving tea or re-filling hot-water bottles can be of great benefit - that's if she doesn't need to crash.
I pray that you have a windfall so that you all can move. I do think that geographical location can have a huge but seemingly irrational effect. I mean, it's just noise (AAArgh), or, we don't need to go outside (cabin fever), or something. Try to look for another place pro-actively - don't let it slide to renewal. There are people out there that will be willing to rent to you - you only need to find one, so start looking. When we were in dire straits - with a new baby and already a large family (living in a bus and a caravan and running out of possibilites, and some very active teenage boys) - we managed to score a house on a rent-to-buy agreement with an individual (no agent). He later helped us, by vouching for our regular payments, to get a real mortgage. The house is in a small town - Imagine the luxury of walking to Karate-classes (we previously were on camp-sites in bum-f8ck-boon-docks, with nothing to do). We moved to our house with hardly any possessions, and enjoyed the fall, and old-fashioned open fires, and walk-to-the-shops and SPACE.
For us, it was a leap from near-homeless, to home-ownership. For you, you already have a place, so it can be harder because of 'stuff' that you currently own, but it is also easier because you have a history of rental payments.
Consider shedding a whole lot of stuff (maybe sell it on ebay?), so that you can move with a car, and maybe add a trailer (if tow-bar). The cost can be quite low if you plan ahead ($500 bucks will do nicely). Trust me - you do not need a couch, or a table, or an entire library, or sixty bags of clothing, at least at first. In fact a lot of that stuff will have bad memories anyway. If you want to get woo about it - that's why I suggested burning the contentious book. So anything that sparked off a fight - say the dinner table, or an excessive number of dishes, should be on the chopping block. Make it a game.
My partner used to say: This is a military operation, so we don't need [fill in dotted line]. When we moved, we literally had some second-hand mattreses on the floor, and hardly any clothes and one bowl and one spoon each. It was ONE trip - we drank a lot of water and survived the first week on home-made pan-bread and butter - to pay for the gas. The luxury, in the second week, of a tray of eggs and a bunch of spinach was unimaginable!. And ... I don't remember being hungry in that first week, actually.
Amazingly, people in the town came and gave us stuff, like rugs and firewood, an old bunk-bed, and even chickens. God is like that. It is an opportunity to shed, but not a loss - because mental health is far more important than the current possessions.