What biking advice do you have?
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How rusty is too rusty? Does a rusted-all-to-hell bike deter the bike thieves? Is it actually a positive?
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How do you keep your balls from jiggling around? My left nut is about double the size of a normal testicle because it was undescended as a kid and I had to get it plucked out like an in-grown tooth. In other words, I'm not a fan of jock-straps.
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Are elbow and knee pads worth the discomfort and sweat-rash?
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Do those hoards of bicyclists actually go into the woods to have big-gay orgies? I've had a family friend confirm his relative does that, mind you.
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How do you manage to not look gay riding a bicycle? I'm never wearing one of those "sponsored" tight-fitting bike uniforms. I'm not Lance Armstrong, and even if I was he's still a faggy cheater.
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I got a stream-lined backpack for emergency water. Should I bring a gun with me for "other" emergencies?
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Are scooters gay? Are skateboards still cool? Which does the least harm to your lower back?
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I always move off to the side and let cars pass. Is this safer or more dangerous? I don't wanna be a jerk and force someone to pass me when I'm the one going 5-10 miles an hour and they gotta take a shit really bad.
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Does biking help reduce belly-fat? I don't drink, but I've had a beer-belly since 8th grade. I'm not fat, I can lift a whole fridge, except I look pregnant. Will biking help me shed the midriff?
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Since sun-screen is known to be carcinogenic (likely on purpose) what's the over-under on alternatives? I have some methylene blue which is used in super-expensive sun-screens that don't have asbestos in them, but I don't wanna risk dying my skin blue.
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My head gets really itchy from the helmet. Is a shaved head better or worse? How do you manage the itching in that bastard?
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Seriously, though. Do bicyclists have gay orgies in the woods? They always creep me out because I live out in the boonies. I don't wanna wake up and find out they sniffed my bike out and are humping around it like a pack of jack rabbits in heat. Is there an anti-gay-orgy-bicyclist repellent I can spray around my shed?
1. How rusty is too rusty?
If the wheels/crank/handlebars don't spin, or it can't hold you up without breaking, it's too rusty.
2. How do you keep your balls from jiggling around?
Hire a hooker to hold them for you while riding. Get a banana seat for her (or for your balls, depending on how flush you are with cash and/or how "big" the problem is).
3. Are elbow and knee pads worth the discomfort and sweat-rash?
If you fall off your bike and scrape your knee/elbow, you will learn better how to not fall off your bike (or roll with the fall). This also protects your head (see below), because you "learn your lesson" about falling off your bike.
Bumps, scrapes, and bruises are what non-crazy parents call "lessons."
4. Do those hoards of bicyclists actually go into the woods to have big-gay orgies?
Yes.
5. How do you manage to not look gay riding a bicycle?
What would be the point of "not looking gay" if you're just riding around looking for a big-gay orgy in the woods?
6. Should I bring a gun with me for "other" emergencies?
Choose one:
7. Are scooters gay?
I have seen scooters fucking each other before, but I'm not sure that all scooters do that.
8. Are skateboards still cool?
Only if you store it in the spare fridge.
9. Which does the least harm to your lower back?
It depends on if your particular scooter is gay or not.
10. Does biking help reduce belly-fat?
It depends on how much of your riding time is spent at the orgy.
11. Since sun-screen is known to be carcinogenic (likely on purpose) what's the over-under on alternatives?
That's actually a really good question.
12. My head gets really itchy from the helmet.
Don't wear a helmet. The odds of one actually protecting you are on the order of being hit by lightning. It's like a mask for covid. It's not impossible for it to protect you, but the data suggests you are making yourself look like an idiot for nothing. If you do happen to fall off your bike or get hit by a car see (3) above.
13. Is there an anti-gay-orgy-bicyclist repellent I can spray around my shed?
Animals use their piss to keep gay-orgy-bicyclists away from their territory. Maybe try that?
This should be it's own thread. Really good advice that nobody else is giving out.
Hit the first sentence of item 2 and busted out loud laughing while on the shitter. Fortunately my wife was downstairs and didn’t hear.
Amazingly detailed pertinent important advice and agree this should be its own thread
🤣