i left to get a pack of newports............................

Instagram models are 'selfie-employed'.

Wrote that one myself.

Got busy, thread didn't take off, shame.

Here's a few more stolen from Cracked (don't judge 😁)

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

What did one Frenchman say to the other?

I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Friends of an old guy hire a lady of the evening for his 90th birthday. She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and shouts, “I’m here to give you super sex!”

The old man thinks a second and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”

Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? Dnbgh!??!”

Do you know what the pirate paid for his earrings? Buck-an-ear.

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer."

Rodney Dangerfield

my arms are tired from beating meat all morning, but fried porkchops are always best if you tenderize them first. actually making them for my dad today lol, i use saltines for breading pretty delicious