Blabbed too much. Let my emotions get in the way. Now several people know. As an emotionally charged individual, this cranks my anxiety(s). Thought I had them under control...must've gotten cocky.

...gotta purge...here goes...

For those who care...I had a Drs appt today for a steroid shot in my elbow...masks required! I have 2 exemptions and they do honor them, yet I was the only one unmasked, whish is usually a time of glee for me. Probably 20 people in the common area...i felt as if a spotlight was on me.

Medical atmosphere anywhere is sheer hell for me...spent my entire life in it. Treated me horribly at the end...betrayed me egregiously...my friends , I thought. All due to retina disease...zero empathy...Get Lost! was their credo.

People stared, made comments under their breath. It exacerbated my cPTSD like gasoline on a fire. First time in months. cPTSD has as a component, feelings of worthlessness, etc and a dissociation from what's really going on, so to speak.

Outwardly it seems unfathomable that this could be me...inside it's chaos.

I shook, trembled and couldn't breath in the waiting room. I had to do deep breathing, pinch myself HARD on the legs to displace the pain. Made it back to the scales and couldn't lift my legs. Vision wobbled. World swirled. Made it to exam room. Had to ask my nurse to please be compassionate, as she is an automaton with RBF (resting bitch face). Said i could tell her why i was upset if i wanted to. I did. she about crapped at the seemingly endless list of traumas and actually became human.

FFW to ckout...kinda lost it at the window, but i made it.

then i couldn't find my way out of just a long hall with only one rt turn to the door. ererything looked the same and different at the same time...disoriented. Brain firing more than it usually does, which is way too fast. I couldn>t even reach for the doorknob, began sobbing and hyperventilating and shedding tears and collapsed against the wall. I did not hit the floor and go fetal which is what I wanted to do. Fight or flight...or collapse. Nurses surrounded me, not mine, and attempted to console me...kinda told them why my brain hurts...they petted and reassured me. All of this within maybe 45 secs...seemed as an eternity.

My nurse then came to the rescue WITH COMPASSION! 1st time in 12 years! She grabbed me gently and said that it was ok and she"d walk me out to my vehicle...even removed her mask!

I had prayed all night, all morning and on the way to the appt...my wife usually goes with me. I need her calm love. I was alone. I failed.

made it home by 130 in a sea of tears, took a xanax, which i rarely do in the daytime, slept an hour. Now headache from Hades, guilt, embarassment and a feeling that I let God down. Guess I got too overconfident.

My ego wants to hear.."oh, poor thing", etc., replies, but I won't allow myself to go there.

I'm signing off, but will rejoin with perhaps a less offensive moniker at some time.

Know frens, that I cherish our commeraderie and covet your prayers. You are all damn good Americans. I shall not give in nor give up. I will learn from this.

rock AND roll

**If I purge my acct now, y'all won't be able to read this. I've shown my angel wife (31 yrs on 9/1!) how to do it tomorrow a.m.

Dammit.