A Guide to Cockney rhyming slang

The Defence Counsel faced the jury box and said, "Now Mister Skaggs, in your own words, would you tell the jury what happened on the evening of the seventeenth of September, in the Scot's Arms public house". Charley cleared his throat and said, "Well Guvnor the seventeenth was my birfday, so me and my trouble-an'-strife and her skin-an-blister went out on the river Ouze in my jam jar, to the Jocks Arms. Well, I'd only 'ad time to order a Mahatma Gahndy, a Gunga Din and a pint of wallop, when this geezer, who was right Brahms, comes over to me an' asks if I would sausage a goose's for him.

I says, I'm borassic mate, hearts of oak, so sling yer 'ook. Then he grabs me arm and spills wallop all dahn the front of me new whistle. Well, I wasn't standing for that, so I gives him a little slap, wiv a chair."

Just then the Judge broke in and said, "Mister Skaggs, when the Defence Council asked you to tell us your version of events on the night in question, in your own words, there was an expectation that you speak in English, you do speak English I suppose?"

Charley looked confused, "yes Guvnor of course I speak English, I'm from the east end of London we all speak English there." The Judge shook his head and said, "Very well, carry on but do try not to use slang or at least give us the translation as well."

Charley, looking just a little bit peeved, continued. "Well when my-old-dutch, sorry Guvnor my Duchess of Fife, me missus, me wife, well her-in-doors, when she saw Chummy spill wallop on me new whistle, ah err me whistle and flute, she wasn't best pleased. Now my-old-dutch has got a north and south on her like the Blackwell tunnel, more rabbit than Water ship Down and more front than Brighton"

Charley stopped, realising that the Beak was looking perplexed, "sorry guvnor I meant to say my wife has got a big gob on her and got stuck in too Chummy. Well as I said Chummy was well Brahms and List and took a swing at my-old-dutch catching her right on the I-Suppose and breaking her bins.

Before I could stop him he took a swipe at my-old dutch's Skin-an-Blister and knocked out two of her Edward Heaths and bruised her Bristol's. Well of course those two Pall-Malls weren’t going to stand for that, so they smacked him in the boat, wiv their 'andbags and give him a good kicking in the orchestra stalls."

The Judge said "What I'm getting here Mister Skaggs is the feeling of a general mêlée, with various bar patrons brawling in the saloon bar, am I correct?" Charley looked confused, "well yeah I spose so, but it wasn't a general mee' what you said, it was just my two Pall-Malls giving Chummy a good seeing too, with their 'andbags." The Judge asked, "Well if the ladies only hit him with their handbags how did he sustain the fractured skull?"

Charley looked just a little bit embarrassed, "Well Yer Honour round my way if a lady goes out on the river Ooze with the intention of getting Brahms, then they usually carry some form of self-protection in their 'andbag such as half a baby's lick."

The Judge enquired "And in plain English Mister Skaggs what is a half a baby's lick?'