I posted here previously about my hardships.
Ya'll, I'm working a full time job and a part time job to make ends meet. I'm gone from 7 am until 8-9 pm. By the time I get home my child is getting ready for bed (having spent the day with her Mom). She wants to play with me. It crushes me. She asks to stay up and play games with me and occasionally I do, but it ultimately wipes me out. Usually I have to get home, eat my food, take a shower, go to bed within 30-40 minutes.
I am so burned out.
If she asks to play, at least 50% of the time I say yes because I of course love her and want to spend time with her and I know she needs that. But when I do, it adds even more exhaustion to my plate. I feel like I never have any time to myself - maybe a few hours on a Sunday. We always spend time on the weekends. I should mention that she's extremely needy and often it's like "What? We just went to the water park two days ago and had the whole day together!" I don't know what more to do. I feel like I can't make her happy. I can't make myself less exhausted. Can't make enough money. This economy sucks.
I keep praying, keep leaning on God, keep meditating, keep listening to scripture, read scripture with her, ... I dont know what more to do. I don't even know how i'm going to make it through this work week, honestly. I keep falling to my knees in prayer. God please pull me out of this or give me the wisdom to learn what you're trying to show me. Please pray. Sigh.
Let me tell you a story about a guy I know.
Growing up, his dad worked two jobs and wasn't around the house much. When he was around, he was grumpy and would yell a lot, or generally be unpleasant, or would be asleep. This was commonly blamed on him being exhausted from working two full-time jobs.
One month, this guy had a birthday. He turned eight. Before the end of that same month, he woke up, had a normal day at school, and then went home only to have his sister come down the driveway to meet him, sobbing. You see, that morning, he woke up without a father and didn't even know it. Before he woke up, his dad had gone to work his morning job but didn't make it because a woman killed him with her car.
This guy I know has different memories of his father than the rest of his family. He's told me that most of his memories are negative. He also has problems socializing, anger, and difficulty being a parent himself. As a result, he has unhappy feelings about his father and doesn't know how to deal with it. He told me that he grew up scared of other kid's dads. Today, he seems to have trouble accepting any sort of authority.
What I derive from this is that just spending twenty minutes playing with your girl, no matter how cranky or exhausted you feel will make a world of difference in her heart. Also, life is terribly short (unless you're this guy who says that his life isn't short enough), and your influence on your daughter will also be short. Even if you don't suffer an early death, kids have a way of drifting as they become teens, where her friendships will become more important to her. So influencing her now, and showing her your love now is important because tomorrow is not guaranteed.
In fact, on a recent excursion, my child was nearly hit by a car while we crossed a crosswalk because a woman wasn't watching the road. Today isn't guaranteed either.
Life comes at you fast.
Homer Simpson works his job knowing that he is there forever, but he does it because he loves Maggie so much. So though you're exhausted, you do it for her.
And, fortunately, this is probably not permanent. The only thing that is permanent is change. All things change.
One of my children is also needy. I've had to set boundaries. A boundary for you might be to play on two or three set nights a week. Make it special. Give it a label. And when those nights come around, remember to give it your all because you're building a real relationship with your daughter.
Your feelings about playing amid your exhaustion might not get easier, but the relationship you have with your girl will. A health boundary and loving attention from her father just may foster healthy growth and a strong relationship.
My dad was busy as hell trying g to feed us. What I remember the most were the Saturday couch potato moments watching Tarzan and the times he would sit me at the kitchen table for half an hour and just talk to me. He also slept on a cot in a tent all summer at a campground and went to work from there just so we could be at a lake all summer. Those times we sat around a campfire on Friday amd Saturday nights. He passed at 59 y.o.