Guys ...
I'm at the point now where I just don't even want to be living anymore. I either want to just die or check myself into a psych ward.
Every single day we are under spiritual warfare. There is an argument about SOMETHING that creates a massive amount of tension. Things are taken out of context constantly. Conversations are not normal - any conversation, words are pulled and those words are debated rather than the full statement of the conversation.
Today's argument was that my youngest daughter took my 20 year old daughter's coloring book and colored a fucking page in it. My wife was telling me how "terrible" this is because our youngest needs to understand boundaries and know that it's "not her property" and respect her older sister's things. I really didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal. The kid wanted to color a page. Cool. She's being creative. Turns into this whole fucking thing where my youngest is screaming and crying and my wife is screaming at her that she needs to "BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS!" and then my oldest yelling alongside it and I'm trying to break everything up. Then when I try to do so I'm "undermining and not backing it up." I've told my youngest that she does need to respect other peoples things and not take things without asking, that its not right, and that she wouldnt like if someone did that to her things. But it honestly feels stupid to even have this conversation. I discipline her just fine and she's a good girl. She just wants to be a damn kid. I've tried to have the conversation of not creating mountains out of ant hills with my wife. Doesn't matter, in fact it makes things worse, with things like "I'M NOT GOING TO DISMISS HER BEHAVIOR!". This is just ONE example of hundreds. I deal with insane shit like this on the freaking daily.
Hours later, she knocks on her door (per Mom's request) to tell her that dinner is ready, to which she screams at her and tells her "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" which leaves her crying again. I tell her this is not acceptable behavior, that she was sent to tell her FOOD WAS READY and she's a messenger.
But then it's "I'm taking her side!" Then wife agrees that oldest shouldnt have acted that way in that specific moment. Yet then they decide to go watch a dating show together for three hours and laugh and act like nothing even happened - send our youngest to bed, if I say anything about it I'm 'undermining', and they get to enjoy laughing hysterically at some stupid materialistic bullshit tv show all the while hurting my daughter's feelings and destabilizing her emotions.
I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I really, really do. I have no outlets. I have no money to leave. I really feel like every day I am living in an actual nightmare. And I mean that in a non cliched way. I feel like I'm literally dreaming a nightmare and everyone has failed to wake me up.
I'll give another example: My wife does dog sitting. She watched this one dog and agreed to accepted cash app for payments. So we've watched him a few times. The most recent time, she was not paid. We're struggling with finances. The balance owed is $500. She literally said to me "WHAT SHOULD I DO IN THIS SITUATION." I gave my advice. She decided, since they've booked with us in the past, and that they're nice people, she wasn't going to contact them and ask for payment. I told her she needs to reach out and ask nicely if perhaps they forgot or something, maybe like "Hey I know you guys have a lot going on but I wanted to let you know I didnt receive payment yet." She straight up freaked out on me about this - that her decision was her decision and why was I not respecting her decision to not reach out to them. I'm like uh ... because they didn't pay you ... for your services ... and we need to pay our bills ... like ... what? "THIS IS HOW I FEEL. THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE, THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO SCREW US. I TOLD YOU I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE ASKING THEM FOR IT, WHY CANT YOU RESPECT THAT?!" then created an entire argument around this. Like ... an argument with me .. about not getting paid from a client ... and me suggesting she get paid. It literally makes zero freaking sense. I cannot reason with her. Whatsoever. Nothing is within any type of rational thinking.
I really am at the point where I just want to end life. I just have this tiny, tiny sliver left that is saying "that's Satan, kick him out."
I don't know how much more of this I can do. I really dont, yall. I don't know. I cannot afford to leave. I have like $500. I'm really at the point where I'm thinking that this has been the end of my life for a long time and I've not realized it - that it's just time to end life. I'm clinging on because of my kids. That's it. But if I'm going to be pitted against them and everyone, then what even is the purpose. Why am I here. I wake up every day to go to work and just pray to God for his strength because I can't muster an ounce of energy. I am at the point where I'm quite sincerely going to have a mental breakdown.
Add on top if it I have my mother who is a complete narcissist texting me and telling me how hurt she is that I only come visit a few times a month and how wrong that is of me and how I should be over there at least a few times per week. And how she never feels good - then I suggest some things - then those things aren't good enough - it's just non freaking stop. Then telling me that she's going to die soon and why am I not doing more for her.
This entire planet is trying to drain every ounce of energy I have. I wish I could just go get my own little apartment somewhere with my daughter. Just can't afford to do so, and I'm working two jobs. The time that I have off is just filled with arguments and anger. I have no peace and no downtime to myself.
Someone please help me. Please.
Well. If you can swing it. I’d suggest first and foremost either reducing the workload or even just try to get a few overlapping days/a week off from both jobs.
Go fishing. Hiking maybe. Do a little camping. Just something to get you out of the current environment and time to collect your thoughts and brainstorm potential solutions. Free of immediate stressors. Ideally that would be done alone. But you seem concerned about your youngest so you could bring her if you believe you can’t trust your wife with her wellbeing. Tell her your meeting with some friends you haven’t seen in a while for a guys weekend to catch up. If you want an excuse for the trip. Though you of course would need another excuse if you bring the daughter along.
From the sounds of it. You are suspecting your marriage is over given how readily your discussing the potential of leaving even though your lack of funds complicates matters. Which I suppose is a step down a Road to a solution. Though I’m not sure it’s one you’d want to travel.
If you want to try salvaging the situation you could try couples therapy. Though I’ve heard it’s a waste just as often as it is a help for a situation.
I’d also advise seeking someone to confide in and get advice from. Whether that be a Pastor, a Therapist, or a Relative outside the immediate family and your mother.
Consider changing work as well. Something less stressful or time consuming perhaps. Allowing you to be present at home and in your family’s life more. I’m not sure of your immediate situation. Though so I’m not immediately sure if it’s possible for you.
If you decide on divorce. I’d advise slowly gathering information favorable to gaining primary custody of the youngest as it seems like she is your main concern. Also get advice from other Divorced men and start putting out feelers for lawyers and getting contact information. Some will at least give out their Business Cards and even some preliminary advice free of charge. Given how many bloody lawyers there are these days. It maybe worth it even if it’s not financially ideal.
I wish I could be more helpful. So much ultimately comes down to you and what you are or aren’t willing to do. I wish you the best man and am praying for you to keep going and fighting. Don’t let the Devil win this one.
Thank you. Yes, I didn't share it as already had, but weve been going through a divorce for over a year now (and I mean going through because she insisted about 15 months ago that we separate, so we moved into separate rooms, yet we continue to live together). I've brought this up recently and "nothing has changed" so yes I do wish I could just find some place alone. I think fishing or doing something outside in nature is a great idea. I'm so exhausted from work that I often spend my day off just sleeping as much as I can then doing some indoor games like things on the nintendo switch. I dont have much energy to even leave the house. I appreciate the work suggestions - I'm very happy with where I am and am currently a contractor hoping to make it full time which will change thing significantly, so I don't have a desire to leave just yet. Want to see it through. I think primary custody is probably what I should fight for, as well. She even just told me yesterday "I think hou should take her, I want to focus on my career and I just cant (she just finished school)". Funny because, like I told her, we are still parents. Nothing changes that. And asked her what if I wanted to flip the script and go to school full time, have her pay all the bills, how would she feel? Her response: "BUT YOU DIDNT!" just cant grasp any of my points. I'm like "Yeah ,but if I did?" "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO, YOU HATE SCHOOL!" Point being - she went to school for four years while I worked. I did this so I could ensure she got her degree. I busted my ass. Now she literally just graduated a week ago and has been wanting a divorce for the last year. So I sacrificed all of that just so I could set her up with a degree and set myself up with a divorce.
She used you to get her degree and now that she saw the finish line she has been trying to get you to blow up and hit her so she can get everything in the divorce. That's literally what she's doing. Ask me how I know...
That's what I told her. Said the same thing again a few days ago to which she said "DONT YOU DARE SAY THAT TO ME, I DID ALL OF THAT MYSELF WHILE HOMESCHOOLING." I was like yeah, I understand that, but what if I told you to pay all the bills and I'm going to go to school for four years, get my degree, then at the end, I say we separate. She's like "YEAH BUT YOU DIDNT! YOU DIDNT GO TO SCHOOL!" she can't put herself in my shoes. There's zero logical thinking going on. I would have expected "Yeah, that's true, I see your point." It's possible that she does see it but would never admit to that.
"It's possible that she does see it but would never admit to that."
Precisely! She is a manipulator. Keep records of everything. Record audio /video. Use it in the divorce to keep your daughter.
Dude, you still don't understand it. You can't reason with them when they are like that. Stop trying to win. You won't win anything.
DISENGAGE WITH HER.
Wait are you the same guy we explained shit tests to and said your wife def found some other dude or cheated weeks to a month ago on here? You need to get out and fast.
I don't believe she cheated, no. But she's got photos of her ex high school sweetheart on her phone who died a few months ago which put her in this weird ass depression. She never told me about it. I found the photos.
Do a 10 day insight meditation retreat (vipassana)
Art of living is a buddhist based ecumenical (all religions welcome) tradition to teach people the methodology of vipassana meditation aka insight meditation. It's an active meditation that has you scan your own body up and down constantly and 'analyzing' sensations like hot, itch, cold, vibration, sting, pain, etc and then allowing them to pass.
dhamma.org's retreats are FREE (new students sponsored by old students)
I did it for 10 days and then a month as a chef 'old student' helper. I spoke about it in front of 100 people and only sold one person on giving it a try. A russian american guy, who found me after the 10 day thing and gave me a hug, said it was life changing for him. It felt like little ole me actually helped someone in this world.
https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/about/vipassana -- go to courses and search for one near you
You would have to be able to sit (or kneel) in a chair or on a cushion for 14 hours a day, and you'd have to be silent for 10 days. I found that part was very easy.
This will change your life because it will give you the tools for calming yourself and understanding yourself on a subatomic level
You might find the root of your problems with the family and root them out. That happened for me.