Why
Why was that damn bottle So much more important than me
You’d leave me all alone Then be drunk when you got home Those ends would never meet
I was your little girl and you’d fill my head so constant With your dreams
But then the ones that I had were worth nothing you made it it seem
You said were weren’t like all the others You said we weren’t that kind Didn’t go to college weren’t that smart we just made ends meet
Ya know, I got my dreams from you Though you’d never follow through Yeah, you practiced what you’d preach
And now that you’re all gone Where it was just a skippin stone Yeah sometimes I still feel lost
Somewhere was a chance I never had To find somewhat of a real dad You weren’t that bad
And down deep I knew you loved me But it was in between Tween drunk and sober
When there was still some in the bottle You were not mean
You were still my loving Daddy you still loved and cared for me When that demon go awhile and let me see your smile Would let you be
Then you drank down your last bottle You tried to break free But you did not succeed Yeah, you never could get clean
Now I miss you that your gone and I know you went home but I’ll be happy when I see you cause I know that in the end you chose my Lord and Saviour Christ my King
jWinters
Nothing hurts worse than feeling unimportant to the ones who are supposed to be our protection.
Yup.
Right
As a long-time (34 years) member of AA, I see and hear these stories all the time. Being an alcoholic is less a choice than a craving, a need that has to get filled, and the alcohol is a symptom of other character defects. Until I got sober and worked on my character defects, I was not a very useful or good human being.
I am sorry you had that childhood, but I had it too with my own alcoholic father, and his morphine addicted mother. But we got through it somehow, I made it out of my addictions, and for the past 34 years have been a productive member of society.
I don't think the world at large fully understands the amount of damage drugs and alcohol do to society. I'm glad you made it.
Me too friend, me too.
I have a few more about my dad’s drinking that I wroye, but I have to dig through six journals of poems, prayers, incessant ramblings and Bible studies to find them. I like to write. Had to keep everything bottles up as a kid to survive though somehow my mom and I had alot if screaming matches.
My husband struggles and I am out of energy for it tbh. 18 months of sobriety. They were the best months of our marriage. I miss him. We are still married, but I am often elsewhere and attempting to emotionally detach. I just can't take another lie or sucker punch.
Again, I know what you mean. I've heard, "To love an addict is to run out of tears."
Meetings, meetings, meetings. If he can go to meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps, make some new friends, and allow a spiritual awakening to happen in his life, he could make it. If THIS alcoholic could do it (it was really bad), anyone can, but he has to want to.
I was a militant agnostic when I first entered AA, but over time I came to realize that a loving God had been looking over me all of my life and I came to acknowledge that power in my life. Believe me when I say, I have seen miracles in the rooms of AA.
Meetings don't cost a thing, unless he wants to chip in a dollar to support costs of a meeting.... rent, coffee, literature, etc., but even that is not required. When I came in I couldn't afford a spare dollar, but that changed over time as I became a citizen again and found some wonderful jobs.
A sad truth about AA.... it's not for people who need it, it's for people who WANT it.
I don't know where you are -- big city or a rural area-- but if you Google "AA meetings in my area" there are probably quite a few. We don't advertise, not in the conventional sense of the word, but we are easy to find.
At the end of every meeting I go to, we always have a moment of silence for the suffering alcoholics still out there who haven't found our rooms yet, followed by the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer. So we have actually prayed for your husband without knowing his name.
And for you, you might want to look into Al-Anon. It is a support group for spouses and children of alcoholics, and it is devoted to getting YOU well and reclaiming YOUR life again.
Got bless you both. At my next meeting, I will pray especially for the two of you.
Thank you so much. Especially for the prayers.
Dear Fren,
Thank you for sharing with us about your deep sorrow.
Many of us belong to the same club. We can feel your pain. You are not alone. And we will all meet one day. On that day, we will all comfort one another, and also we will all be comforted by Christ, the One who will wipe all our tears away. Tears of sorrow will turn to tears of joy. Hallelujah.
This is a song I wrote about my alcoholic, substance addicted husband:
You loved your pain
More than you loved me
And you ran from your pain
When you ran away from me
I called your name
You did not reply
So I turned and walked away
When you left our love
You left our love to die
I used to imagine singing it sitting on the bare floor of a stage, surrounded by empty bottles and dim lights. A bottle falls over and rolls. The lights go out.
Blessings, dear one.
I can feel your pain as well dear sister and it may be the sappy mood I’m already in but I cried through yours as well.
Mine do pour out as songs though I’ve no clue how to write music.
I am in that situation now. So painful and difficult. We had 18 months of sobriety and it was great. He fell off the wagon when his BFF from rehab died. I am so sick of the lies. And it does feel like he made a choice, and it wasn't me. Very painful and sad.
I'm so sorry to hear that. However, since he made it 18 months sober, which is a good chunk of time, he should be able to restart (hopefully). Maybe some grief counseling might help? It seems to me people who struggle with addiction need to develop alternate coping mechanisms plus a good support network.
At one time, I lived next door to a downtown AA center/cafe. You could go in for a meal or for meetings. I noticed a lot of folks propped themselves up with coffee, cookies and cigarettes, since they couldn't drink. That place was smoky! I also read about a social worker counselor whose clients consisted mostly of depressed women addicted to sugar and male alcoholics struggling to stay sober. These kinds of stories tell me that the brain pathways for these things work basically the same way. Alcohol, in fact, is a type of sugar, right? Drink enough of it, and the body will start to prefer it.
I pray you and your spouse will find a renewal of your relationship and a restart of sobriety.
This is my favorite passage when I am struggling:
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14%3A1-14&version=NIV
You might try this: Make his favorite dessert, brew some fresh coffee, sit down with a smile and tell him you love him, that you were so happy when he got sober, and you will support him in finding his way to a fresh restart. I'm sure he wants one. Hug him with everything you've got. He's probably not expecting it.
Then, if you don't already belong, look for a local Al-Anon group, which is a support group for people who live with alcoholics. I wish I had done this. It probably would have helped.
I couldn't stay with my husband, because he wouldn't stop abusing me. It completely killed whatever love I once had for him, and I really did think I had fallen deeply in love. A year after the divorce, he took up with my (former) best friend. Even though it was upsetting, it stopped him from trying to get back together with me, which he kept trying to ask me to do.
It sounds like you still love your husband, so I think it's worth a shot to see if he has it in him to aim for a sober life. Divorce is lonely and painful, too.
Christ's blessings upon you, dear one.
Thank you so much for your kind words. He goes back into intensive outpatient rehab this month. Doesn't want to go back to inpatient, which was the only thing that worked. Maybe he can do it. I am in self protect mode at this point, because I have been the eternal optimist and somehow the disappointment is always just as bad as the time before. It's at the point where my kids want me to stop hoping. You think I'd get used to it. I am praying for him and supporting him from a distance. I will always love him, but IDK. We'll see what happens I guess.
((( hugs )))
I know you'll remember, "All things work to good for those who love the Lord." Who knows, had your dad been a sober dad, perhaps you never would have been led to the Lord. Addiction is insidious and evil. I'm sorry you had to endure that childhood, juls, but you are doing GREAT now. I hope you can forgive him and heal.
I do, some things just cause the pain to resurface, like the ugly demon it is. Things like that movie because it totally told my story
Hopefully, though it was painful, it was also cleansing. I hope so anyway.
Yes, it was. Makes me realize I still have some residual cobwebs to clear away.
understandable. Sometimes I wonder if the shadow of the cobwebs will always be there. Perhaps as a reminder of how far we have come.
Likely
My brother (who has gone to glory) said something that comforted me, when I sadly recalled our childhood. He said, "Sis, we got thru it the best we could." Somehow that made me feel a little better. It wasn't deep or wise, but it was... acknowledgment?
That was our childhood...very astute observation by your brother...it left some emotional scars but we made it through...in my case support came from church, teachers, neighbors, friends...God gave me so many others that provided love and support...how I appreciate all those people....
Yeah, somehow….
Nice reminder of why I quit drinking 30 some years ago.
So sorry for your loss. And I mourn your childhood. It sounds like he was able to make peace with God thru Jesus which is good. God says he is close to those who are of a broken heart! Ps 34:18 I hope this verse is a comfort to you as it has been to me.
Thank you
Beautifully written. I pray that you find relief from your pain. Please know that your presence here means a lot to us. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have alcoholics in my family tree. Thankfully, I never succumbed to that particular addiction (although nicotine got me instead). I remember the turmoil it caused in our family, even with the "happy drunks", although not all of them were.
As I have aged, I've realized that we all have our demons and some of us spend a lifetime trying to conquer them, with or without help from a higher power. I think most people do the best they can to get through and that's something of value even if ultimately they don't succeed.
What a lovely thread, this is why I love this site, the honesty and love shown by those who have suffered and been healed. Bless you all.