Everyone I know seems to be diagnosed (or self diagnosed) with some kind of mental disorder. It's one of the defining traits of the zoomer generation. I know it's considered a kind of blasphemy, but I really think therapy is hurting our culture.
Therapy trains people to only think about themselves. If someone isn't completely perfect, we're told to cut them out of our lives. If your dad gets upset because you're not doing chores, he's abusive. If she doesn't text back after 2 minutes, she's avoidant. It just adds a really sick and toxic layer to every single social interaction.
People aren't perfect. I know I've done things that upset people in the past and people around me have made mistakes. It's called being human. Not every mistake or miscalculation is a product of evil manipulation or mental illness. Therapy seems to make the self the center of the world and reduces every relationship to something transactional. "My way or the highway."
I think that's part of the reason why our generation is so lonely. It's hard to really bond with people when you're constantly afraid of being a victim. You really need to be forgiving and be willing to see the best in people if you wanna make it in this world.
I'll put my story here because I'm certainly not ashamed to say I went to therapy for awhile, and I do believed it helped me a lot.
My ex of 25+ years is a narcissist. I don't need a diagnosis or the actual label : all 9 character traits and behaviours are there. Going back in the mental replay : yep, there the whole time.
When that ended, I knew, based on my own personal research on DM5 behaviours and the path the empath / people pleaser takes, I would end up with someone exactly like her again, and I had to know why I stayed with her for so long ; it's not like I didn't know she was a fairly horrid person.
Therapy allowed me to go deep into myself to find the answers to why I have always done some of the things I do / responses to things / allowance of actions of others that are harmful so I can protect my heart and mind. Boundaries are fucking weird when you've never really had many.
This isn't wrong at all, but it does depend on a couple of important factors. The first being you, the one going to therapy, being completely open and honest with yourself and the therapist. You have to be able to be vulnerable like a 3 year old ; it's the only way the second factor can happen. The second factor being a good therapist that knows what questions to ask and when. Sometimes, that other person can ask you the questions you don't want to ask yourself - hence the talking to someone else. If that other person though, has the tools to ask the right questions to allow you acces to the doors of your mind, it helps a lot more.
Therapy isn't for everyone and I'm certainly not advocating that at all. Therapy 100% worked for me but it's because of these two factors, and I'm thankful for the therapist I was seeing.
Yes, they can suck the life out of empaths and those gifted with a second helping of compassion and kindness (those who find joy in helping others).
Glad you’re free and healthy now.
I'm sure your ex was a nightmare, but have you ever thought about things from her POV? Everyone has their own justification for why they act the way they do. In her mind she's probably doing everything right.
That's just exactly it. Narcissism is a self defense mechanism. When their trauma happened, their subconscious created a false persona for the conscious child to believe they are ; kind of shielding them from their trauma.
The do think they are normal, but at the same time they :
are aware they are pathological liars and manipulators
believe everyone else thinks like them
believe all of their actions are justified as they find a way to blame someone or something else for their behaviour
"You made me... I had to... You gave me no choice" All of these are used to self defend their actions and blame the other person. They are fully aware they are doing this on purpose.
A narcissist gets their self narrative fulfilled by you believing their lies or gaslighting. Or someone who only knows them believing the stories ( lies ) the narcissist tells them about you. If you believe them, in the narcissist mind, it makes it true. They are also aware they are doing this on purpose.
They live in a world where they have to constantly gaslight themselves into believing their own narrative of themselves because reality is constantly telling them it's not true. A real definition of mental hell.
Everything a narcissist does / thinks / reacts is directly tied to so they never feel the same way again that they felt when their trauma happened. The avoidance of feeling shame is the driving force behind narcissism. Cowardice, however, is the driving behaviour. They're running from themselves, so naturally, they run from everything else ; responsibility, accountability, self integrity and self respect.
" If I can hurt them before they hurt me.. " is a pretty fair way to describe their overall view of others.
Very good explanation. Slightly different view on a few points but you nailed it.
This was a fascinating, informative exchange & an excellent recap of how therapy can be beneficial. This cracked me up, "Boundaries are fucking weird when you've never really had many."🐸
No.
Most people don’t understand what narcissism is. Narcissists have a broken brain. It is thot that they are (mostly) “made” by their own childhood abuse which damages a child’s frontal lobe and normal development. There are several different kinds of narcissism.
They cannot be reasoned with and most don’t care how they hurt you as long as they get whatever it is they want/need. They just don’t have the same filters as a normal person does or any empathy. They can literally justify any horrid behavior or abuse and then blame you for it. They can be mentally, physically, emotionally abusive and evil. Many are border psychopaths, yet the world sees them as amazing.
Unless you’ve lived it, it’s hard to understand.
Most therapists have no experience and are not qualified to treat a person who survived narcissistic abuse.
And many therapists are narcissists who got into therapy to self analyze their own dark secrets.