I’m going through the hardest time of my life. Many of you already know that I am a minister. First and foremost I am a dad. My kids mean the world to me. I’ve enjoyed 40 years and now it’s their turn to enjoy their lives. My marriage has been in dire straits for a long time. I realize that I am unequally yolked. Prior to marriage I was an addict. So was my wife. When my son was born, I was higher than the space station. It’s something that has eaten at me ever since. But 5 years ago I gave my life to ministry. God helped pull me out of a lifestyle that was headed to the grave or prison. In the first year of ministry my wife came out to me that she had cheated on me many times. It crushed me, but I loved this woman and I wanted to be successful so I forgave her. I thought it was the Christian thing to do. Plus I didn’t want to split my family up and allow my kids to go through some of the horrors that I did as a kid. We have 3 boys. The two oldest are not mine but I have raised them from 2-4 years old. They are now 13-16 and my son is 8. I look at those two boys as mine. My wife is an alcoholic. Not to mention the last time she was in a rehab hospital they put her on all kinds of psychotropic drugs that have made her unbearable to be around. She still is addicted to drugs and sometimes she will lash out at the kids due to the fact that she has no control over her emotions, attitude, or mouth. Especially when she is drinking. I have wanted to leave for over 3 years now but I fear that if I do, I won’t be able to protect my kids from her or whoever she might bring them around. Well, last week at 11pm she decided to go drive to the store to get something to eat and some more beer. Before I fell asleep she had already been drinking 10% Smirnoff fruity drinks. I was dozing off when she walked out the door and I thought to myself, “I hope she gets pulled over” then I realized she was taking the 13 year old with her. I said a prayer and asked god to keep him safe. What happens next is the reason for this post. I am at wits end. She has left me broke. My van is sitting in impound and my kids life has been turned upside down. That night at 1:30am I get a call waking me up from a gas station attendant telling me that I need to come get my son and wife, that she was too drunk to drive and she had him driving her around. I jump up throw my clothes on and I’m gone asap. I get halfway there and she calls me the king me that I need to hurry because the cops are there and she’s going to jail. Well she called her dad too. That was her biggest mistake because her dad has told me many times that I need to divorce her and take the kids. Well he has taken my 13 year old son and is trying to get custody. I am okay with it because I know he is safe but it has split the kids up. He is pissed. I do not blame him. Who has their 13 year old drive on the interstate after midnight to buy beer? I do not have legal custody of my stepsons. They get money from their deceased father and if I were to adopt them they would loose it. So my wife goes to jail and tells me to come get her the next morning. I bring the debit card and go to pick her up and the card get declined. She blew all of our savings. Y’all I am broke, raising two kids that are confused about the whole situation and my van is impounded I am struggling to pay the bills and currently she is 4 hours away in a rehab for 60 days. She said “please don’t divorce me while I’m in this rehab”. Little does she know when she gets back Ill have papers for her to sign. I’m trying to work my way out of a hole but seriously my wife ruined me. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, and I have lost all of my joy. Not to mention my work truck broke down on me the same week. I am self employeed. Without my truck it makes it hard to work and I have had to step up and play super dad. The kids are good. They don’t know about the weight that is on my shoulders but I am scared. The taxes on my home are due and they are threatening taking my house. TheGr8🎃
🙏🧎Patriots I need help, encouragement, and prayer! 🙏🧎
🧘Mental/Physical Health 🏋🏼♂️
You are in a tailspin. The first thing you do is take your foot off the gas. Make ZERO decisions about her until you get the three basic needs for YOURSELF secured; food, clothing, and shelter.
You came to the right place for prayer - and you got it and we will continue the prayers. Collect just a couple of us who are willing to support you with some ideas and let's see where this train can safely park. I understand so much of this situation... as I have been where you are and I have also been where your wife is too. Reach out over in the message section if you want.
Blessings and prayers to you and the kids.
Thanks you. I have food clothing and shelter. I have always been the kind to plan and prepare for hard times. I had no idea she had gone through all of our savings. I need my truck running. I also need to get my van out of impound. I buy and sell vehicles but every one that I have at the moment needs a part or two. She really put us in a bind. The encouragement helps more than you know thanks.
I will continue praying for you and your family
I have no idea how to use the message section.
You need some serious intervention, all right. We can all pray for you, especially that you get the money situation straightened out, because that is going to be an issue in custody and divorce. Her dad sounds like a realistic person, perhaps you can work with him on keeping the kids as together as possible.
Yes he is. He has reached his tipping point with her. Through all of this awakening I have just been praying that she would wake up and it hasn’t happened. Some people deserve to be sheep.
Some people can't be awakened by mere mortals. I don't know about "deserve." However, your father-in-law would be a good ally. The property tax thing varies by state, but that is definitely a threat in some. Maybe it's time to sell the house.
The house is a mobile home. There is no selling it cause then my children won’t have a roof over their heads. The house is paid off.
Apparently whatever he tried hasn't worked, she has stolen and cheated on him, she has put her children in danger, her own father has written her off. She is begging him not to leave because he has been feeding and sheltering her, which is enabling. I think he needs to get out for the children's sake and she needs to hit rock bottom and lose her enabler before she will get straight. If she does. I have a relative who is now middle aged and everything has been done by her family, but she keeps going back to addiction and is most likely going to end up dead in an alley. Sad, but preserving a relationship just for a relationship and sacrificing the rest of the family is not imo a moral choice.
Dear Lord, in the chaos there is you. Your love for each member of this family endures forever. Your salvation through Jesus’ atoning death on the cross is for each of them. Please provide everyone in this situation the people & resources they will need to come through this successfully. Let them recognize your providence in all things and give you the glory. Guide them in your Word that they understand your ways & your will. Please Lord God, Heavenly Father, make a way where there currently does not appear to be a way and heal this family, setting them firmly on the path of righteousness for your name’s sake. I ask this most fervently in Jesus’ Holy name. Amen.
Thank you so much fren! Love u!
You are so very welcome. God loves you, fren.
Sounds like your truck is the first priority, if it is your means to earn money. What's wrong with it?
I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a motor. I am a mobile mechanic. 350k on the engine and I’m sure once I tear into it is gonna just need a new one. My wife left me broke. I had ove 3k in savings and she has no explanation where it went.
Can you advertise on Craigslist as a non mobile service?
No. I do not have a shop. I have work it’s my truck that is broke down. I have a tool truck
This is certainly an unpleasant and difficult situation, but it may be the bottom, as in hitting bottom. That means all you can do is rise. With God's help, you will. Everyone is still alive and safe. Just go slowly. I hate to see divorce, but if you think it will be best, do it. You don't seem to think your wife will get better in rehab. We are called to live in peace, as you know. Living with her may not allow you to do so. You can also just separate. We do not have to live with toxic people. God bless you and your whole family.
It’s just been too much too long and it has hindered my ministry. I cannot pastor with jezebelle spirit in my life.
Adultery? No thanks. I’m done with it. I’m good biblically. It is well with my soul!
I'll add my prayers. Upvoted good comments (u/sidetrackedagain seeming most direct and practical) because I can't say it any better. Recognize that your ability to control any situation has limits; that's when God will step in.
Thank you. Good advice!
Take a deep breath, fren. You've got too many balls up in the air and you're not a juggler...but I know someone who is: God. Get down on your knees and put all of your problems in God's hands. He's just waiting for you to ask. Tell him your problems, and ask for his help and advice. Ask him to send you towards the people that can help you and never be afraid to ask for help...or accept help. While you are waiting on the Lord, sit down somewhere quiet and make a list of priorities. What absolutely has to happen now and what can wait a bit. Now, make a list of resources that you can go to for help. What help does your local, state, and federal government offer for someone in your position? What help do local charities offer? Church organizations? There are resources out there to help get you back on your feet. You're an anon now. You know how important research is. You have a support team of frens here. Don't allow pride to get in your way. Everyone needs help now and then. This is your time, fren. You can always find a way to repay everyone later. Right now, you have a family to take care of and this should be your top priority.
As for your wife, I would not be in a hurry to bail her out. Some people need to hit absolute rock bottom before they are willing to change. People have probably been bailing her out her entire life and as a result, she has not learned that actions have consequences. I believe it it time for her to learn this hard lesson. Support her, but don't be a crutch for her. She needs some tough love and some time to reflect on her choices.
You're going to be alright, fren. Humble yourself before God and I foresee good things coming your way. God bless!
This was so positive. Thank you
Agree here with the "do NOT bail out" advice. As someone who worked with addicts, I can tell you with certainty that your wife is where she needs to be by the hand of God - in rehab. Most prisons if not all have detox and rehab, which is my background. Some people cheat the outpatient system and never benefit. People say it "doesn't work" lulz - certainly not when people do not work it. So lock and key is the ONLY option. The addict MUST go to prison/jail. They legit dry out and that is the only time they start to have common sense again. It takes time too.
Most pros who work with addicts don't even interact with them seriously until FOUR weeks dried out in lock down. It takes that long for the liver to filter out the ETOH/drugs and the mind to heal/rebalance. You are wasting your time talking to them if they are not four weeks post arrest. So do NOT bail this woman out if you love her.
You're hurting because you tried to give an addict too much trust and got burned. So learn from this. You can't give car keys to a drunk. You can't let them watch kids. Or you'll be left with the drained savings, impounded car, and other costs, kids taken by the system etc. So please fren, do not hire her a lawyer, let the public defender do it. Let her sort out herself.
You can still love her, still be there for her, but you have to draw the line. Is that separation, quite possibly. You can still reconcile if she succeeds in sobriety also. She needed this, fren. This is God's doing to save her life and the kids. She was out of control and going to end up dead, maybe taking a kid or two with her. I've seen that too. So do not enable her to drive without full total sobriety. Not sober = no keys. If you live in a good state they'll take her license.
She'll be unhappy about this and let you know it. Let it roll off your back. Listen but tell her your hard bright line is that she gets and stays sober. The rock bottom of the addict is always far too low for the rest of us to consider, but love is letting someone grow up and be an adult by hitting that rock bottom. Let their bad decisions fully hit them. Don't lighten her load at your expense. Put you and kiddos first. This pain she feels will motivate her to work her program. This is the way. You're on the right track. I recommend AlAnon for family members, even the kids - find a group in your area. They're a Godsend to many all in that same boat. It's easy for us to advise but it is hard to change old assumptions. It's hard to fight that urge to rescue. It will kill her unless you let her fail fully. Do not rescue her which is what you've been doing at the expense of yourself and the kids. You are using a measuring stick of someone who is sober, a well meaning but deadly error. You hope for it so you act as if it were so. It is hard to change that but the only way to truly save the addict from themselves. This is the meaning of the phrase killing with kindness. She'll die if you don't get tough with her and set standards that can't be broken.
You'll be changing just like she is. You'll be where your FiL is where he realizes enabling has not worked - just the reverse. AlAnon is a way to get support for those tough decisions to put limits on the addict, which is critical to their recovery. Most addicts are spoiled children, let's face it. The world coddles them and they take advantage of it. This is the disease. When they have to own their decisions, they finally grow up. God is a huge part of this but so is treatment such as topiramate and wellbutrin or naloxone etc. It jump starts shaving the edge off the cravings. But the rest is choosing to do right and restoring a mauled morality, both individual and family. That can only happen if you let her fully experience consequences. You do have my prayers and know that you are over the worst of it. Hope that helps.
You're gonna be ok, fren. The first rule in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" is:
Don't panic. 😉
Southern ms
Yes I will be okay. Due to what happened I am embarrassed to talk about it with my circle of folks. But I know Gods got me. His plan is working perfectly. I’m just letting my flesh get in the way and freaking out about worldly things. I just worry about being a provider. It is reminding me that I am alive and for that I am thankful. Things will be brighter soon.
Just asking you to pray for me. Is that too much to ask?
No worries. I do need help too but I come to my anon friends because you guys understand and listen. I have gotten some of the greatest most intelligent advice here. Frogs rock