Welcome to General Chat - GAW Community Area
This General Chat area started off as a place for people to talk about things that are off topic, however it has quickly evolved into a community and has become an integral part of the GAW experience for many of us.
Based on its evolving needs and plenty of user feedback, we are trying to bring some order and institute some rules. Please make sure you read these rules and participate in the spirit of this community.
Rules for General Chat
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Be respectful to each other. This is of utmost importance, and comments may be removed if deemed not respectful.
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In short, imagine this thread to be a local community hall where we all gather and chat daily. Please be respectful to others in the same way
So my wife and I have a constant dilemma relating to conversations with others
When someone talks to my wife complaining or venting about something, she will listen to completely to what they have to say and when they finish, she will try to relate it to her own past experiences to show she understands and sympathizes, and can possibly offer advice based on past experiences
She often feels awful about this and feels wrong for it. I tell her that it is ok and what is she supposed to do? Listen and simply nod and say ok? Move on to something else entirely? If someone were telling me how awful work is or a problem at home, I could not just listen then ask them how the Chicago Cubs are doing
Unfortunately, aggregate articles and mainstream blogs tell her she is wrong, that you should never try to relate or offer your views, that you should always just listen
It is mind boggling to me. How are conversations supposed to flow? I would be pretty damn upset mysel If I vented about something to someone, and all they gave me were nods, it's oks, or moved on to another unrelated topic
How do you frens and anons feel? "JUST LISTEN" I think might work for a shrink..but even they would then offer advice or help after listening, based on their own experiences, opinions, and their studies
All I know is what I learned in a 12 step program for Alcoholics. We got better by sharing our stories with each other, to relate with one another our experience, strength, and hope. Now, with strangers, or new acquaintances, of course nothing is discussed in depth, at first. And I think it is important to keep things positive. I have learned many things by people telling me what they did to cope in situations that have been similar to mine. Of course this does not work with narcissists, they just want to blab and do not want to hear what you did, because they have no empathy and everything is about them, they are so "special", you know. People can drain the hell out of you if you are empathetic and compassionate, relationships should be on a give and take balance. If a person has an experience that is horrible, like the loss of a child or home, or just got terrible news from their doctor, yes, of course, just listen and validate their feelings, but in other cases, I would expect a give and take of sharing common experiences, how else to solve a problem?
So.. I know what you’re taking about. I know a lot of people who do this, myself included. They mean well and truly do care but they just don’t know how to listen actively. It’s probably gotten much worse with social media, phones etc and people not engaging in real conversations as much. Therapists are trained to listen and they say things like “I hear what you’re saying” and paraphrase back what the person said without talking about their own experiences, or only rarely. They’re good at it usually but we aren’t trained. I’ve had to really learn how to listen better when one on one with people. Stop interjecting. Once you know it’s a habit, you’ll do it less frequently because that little voice in your head will say “listen” and “show facial expressions” and “nod” and “ask a question” and then paraphrase back or at least repeat back something posed as a question so they expand.
Most people I know, especially very troubled veterans, just want to vent and be validated. They don’t necessarily want things fixed. They want to let off steam, talk about stuff with trusted people because they can’t always do that with say, work people or more casual friends. That’s pretty much what we all want, right? So I think working on being better listeners sort of pays it forward. They’re going to be there for you, too.
I’d say it depends on the relationship. And oddly enough, the closer it is the less you should help. I had a really close friend that would get frustrated because I would try to fix everything. And his comment (that is a life lesson that sticks with me) was sometimes I just want to vent and be listened to. I don’t need your opinion on how to fix it. So I would do that. In the end maybe just ask and learn what the person wants. “Do you want my thoughts or are you just wanting to be heard?”
I would be perfectly happy if somebody like your wife tried to relate to a problem of mine instead of just listening. It shows that that they have heard what I am saying and it gives me the feedback I need to see whether I am thinking rationally or not as well as new ways to understand my frame of mind.
Most people who talk about their pain and problems would like those issues understood, solved or healed, or they would like a perspective from someone else about how to handle it. Sometimes I ask a friend "What you you do?" if they aren't forthcoming with own their feedback.
Maybe everybody is different, but her approach would work for me.
Here is an advice - dont take advice from magazines and blogs
I dont think its a matter of taking advice from those things, neccessarily. I get these kind of headlines in aggragate articles, and it makes me think, "wow, so the entire world is saying i talk to/empathize with people wrong". I'm not necassarily actually consuming the articles, but it could lead me to think about the subject matter anyway.