Guys ...
I'm at the point now where I just don't even want to be living anymore. I either want to just die or check myself into a psych ward.
Every single day we are under spiritual warfare. There is an argument about SOMETHING that creates a massive amount of tension. Things are taken out of context constantly. Conversations are not normal - any conversation, words are pulled and those words are debated rather than the full statement of the conversation.
Today's argument was that my youngest daughter took my 20 year old daughter's coloring book and colored a fucking page in it. My wife was telling me how "terrible" this is because our youngest needs to understand boundaries and know that it's "not her property" and respect her older sister's things. I really didn't think it was that big of a fucking deal. The kid wanted to color a page. Cool. She's being creative. Turns into this whole fucking thing where my youngest is screaming and crying and my wife is screaming at her that she needs to "BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS!" and then my oldest yelling alongside it and I'm trying to break everything up. Then when I try to do so I'm "undermining and not backing it up." I've told my youngest that she does need to respect other peoples things and not take things without asking, that its not right, and that she wouldnt like if someone did that to her things. But it honestly feels stupid to even have this conversation. I discipline her just fine and she's a good girl. She just wants to be a damn kid. I've tried to have the conversation of not creating mountains out of ant hills with my wife. Doesn't matter, in fact it makes things worse, with things like "I'M NOT GOING TO DISMISS HER BEHAVIOR!". This is just ONE example of hundreds. I deal with insane shit like this on the freaking daily.
Hours later, she knocks on her door (per Mom's request) to tell her that dinner is ready, to which she screams at her and tells her "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" which leaves her crying again. I tell her this is not acceptable behavior, that she was sent to tell her FOOD WAS READY and she's a messenger.
But then it's "I'm taking her side!" Then wife agrees that oldest shouldnt have acted that way in that specific moment. Yet then they decide to go watch a dating show together for three hours and laugh and act like nothing even happened - send our youngest to bed, if I say anything about it I'm 'undermining', and they get to enjoy laughing hysterically at some stupid materialistic bullshit tv show all the while hurting my daughter's feelings and destabilizing her emotions.
I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I really, really do. I have no outlets. I have no money to leave. I really feel like every day I am living in an actual nightmare. And I mean that in a non cliched way. I feel like I'm literally dreaming a nightmare and everyone has failed to wake me up.
I'll give another example: My wife does dog sitting. She watched this one dog and agreed to accepted cash app for payments. So we've watched him a few times. The most recent time, she was not paid. We're struggling with finances. The balance owed is $500. She literally said to me "WHAT SHOULD I DO IN THIS SITUATION." I gave my advice. She decided, since they've booked with us in the past, and that they're nice people, she wasn't going to contact them and ask for payment. I told her she needs to reach out and ask nicely if perhaps they forgot or something, maybe like "Hey I know you guys have a lot going on but I wanted to let you know I didnt receive payment yet." She straight up freaked out on me about this - that her decision was her decision and why was I not respecting her decision to not reach out to them. I'm like uh ... because they didn't pay you ... for your services ... and we need to pay our bills ... like ... what? "THIS IS HOW I FEEL. THEY ARE GOOD PEOPLE, THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO SCREW US. I TOLD YOU I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE ASKING THEM FOR IT, WHY CANT YOU RESPECT THAT?!" then created an entire argument around this. Like ... an argument with me .. about not getting paid from a client ... and me suggesting she get paid. It literally makes zero freaking sense. I cannot reason with her. Whatsoever. Nothing is within any type of rational thinking.
I really am at the point where I just want to end life. I just have this tiny, tiny sliver left that is saying "that's Satan, kick him out."
I don't know how much more of this I can do. I really dont, yall. I don't know. I cannot afford to leave. I have like $500. I'm really at the point where I'm thinking that this has been the end of my life for a long time and I've not realized it - that it's just time to end life. I'm clinging on because of my kids. That's it. But if I'm going to be pitted against them and everyone, then what even is the purpose. Why am I here. I wake up every day to go to work and just pray to God for his strength because I can't muster an ounce of energy. I am at the point where I'm quite sincerely going to have a mental breakdown.
Add on top if it I have my mother who is a complete narcissist texting me and telling me how hurt she is that I only come visit a few times a month and how wrong that is of me and how I should be over there at least a few times per week. And how she never feels good - then I suggest some things - then those things aren't good enough - it's just non freaking stop. Then telling me that she's going to die soon and why am I not doing more for her.
This entire planet is trying to drain every ounce of energy I have. I wish I could just go get my own little apartment somewhere with my daughter. Just can't afford to do so, and I'm working two jobs. The time that I have off is just filled with arguments and anger. I have no peace and no downtime to myself.
Someone please help me. Please.
Yes there is. Unfortunately I have no where to go. Even if I try to leave for 10 mins, which I did last night, it's a bit ridiculous. We live on the edge of a highway so going for a walk literally means walking down the 55 mph road with no sidewalk. There's not really an escape. I have no one I can go stay with, no money for a hotel or other home, etc. Have one car, but no clue where I'd go. I've thought about just leaving for the evening and taking a few hours to myself, but I literally never leave because I have no idea where I'd go. I don't drink, so I'm not going to a bar. Not sure. Especially because this stuff typically happens around 8-9 pm
this is all so good. I love the tea idea. And yes i do see patterns to it. As weird as it sounds, it always correlates to the moon cycle. Always during full moons, that period of a few days right before, during, and after it.
Yes, we are renting. and live right off the highway. I hate it here. All of us do. But we don't have the finances to move out. Our lease is up in just a few months but I'm probably going to have to renew it because I cannot afford to move. I'm praying that God blesses me with additional income somehow and gives me this ability.
Hit the gym and lift heavy weight man. Trust me. You will feel 1000x better and everything in your life will improve, including finances. Raise your vibrational energy by self-care.
I really do need to make time for this.
Thanks for answering. I deleted the message, because I felt that it was too personal, but, I am glad you read it. If you need help with the oils list, or more explanation - please consider using the PMs. Yes, once you become aware of the nature of the cycle of insanity, you can proceed with a game plan. If you can discuss the issue in a 'good' part of the cycle, so that you can determine that she needs to be confined to a cosy place, with service, then marital and family harmony can prevail. Also, separating the arguing parties with doors helps. Perhaps there is a way of understanding the full moon as well. There is alot of light and energy during that time, and one CAN tap in the positives. When we were living close to nature (i.e. in a bus with lots of windows) we would do all-nighters of talking about stuff by candle-light, because we could not sleep, anyway. If it coincides with PMT, you would be surprised how talking about stuff and serving tea or re-filling hot-water bottles can be of great benefit - that's if she doesn't need to crash.
I pray that you have a windfall so that you all can move. I do think that geographical location can have a huge but seemingly irrational effect. I mean, it's just noise (AAArgh), or, we don't need to go outside (cabin fever), or something. Try to look for another place pro-actively - don't let it slide to renewal. There are people out there that will be willing to rent to you - you only need to find one, so start looking. When we were in dire straits - with a new baby and already a large family (living in a bus and a caravan and running out of possibilites, and some very active teenage boys) - we managed to score a house on a rent-to-buy agreement with an individual (no agent). He later helped us, by vouching for our regular payments, to get a real mortgage. The house is in a small town - Imagine the luxury of walking to Karate-classes (we previously were on camp-sites in bum-f8ck-boon-docks, with nothing to do). We moved to our house with hardly any possessions, and enjoyed the fall, and old-fashioned open fires, and walk-to-the-shops and SPACE.
For us, it was a leap from near-homeless, to home-ownership. For you, you already have a place, so it can be harder because of 'stuff' that you currently own, but it is also easier because you have a history of rental payments.
Consider shedding a whole lot of stuff (maybe sell it on ebay?), so that you can move with a car, and maybe add a trailer (if tow-bar). The cost can be quite low if you plan ahead ($500 bucks will do nicely). Trust me - you do not need a couch, or a table, or an entire library, or sixty bags of clothing, at least at first. In fact a lot of that stuff will have bad memories anyway. If you want to get woo about it - that's why I suggested burning the contentious book. So anything that sparked off a fight - say the dinner table, or an excessive number of dishes, should be on the chopping block. Make it a game.
My partner used to say: This is a military operation, so we don't need [fill in dotted line]. When we moved, we literally had some second-hand mattreses on the floor, and hardly any clothes and one bowl and one spoon each. It was ONE trip - we drank a lot of water and survived the first week on home-made pan-bread and butter - to pay for the gas. The luxury, in the second week, of a tray of eggs and a bunch of spinach was unimaginable!. And ... I don't remember being hungry in that first week, actually.
Amazingly, people in the town came and gave us stuff, like rugs and firewood, an old bunk-bed, and even chickens. God is like that. It is an opportunity to shed, but not a loss - because mental health is far more important than the current possessions.
Horrible situation. I think you are getting some good hard-line advice. I don't like the soft-line advice because it all amounts to "bottle it up and swallow it." That is never good.
You are in a family where you are not the husband and you are not the father, inasmuch as they do not respect your priority of authority and their dependence on you. It might be useful to simply proceed with smashing their assumption that they can walk all over you and kick you around. For example, about the tardy dog sitting fee payment: Tell your wife, very simply and quietly, that the deadbeats will be contacted and the only option is whether it will be her or you who does it. And you will do it tomorrow if it is not already done by then. End of message.
As for the family emotional mayhem, find your master power panel and see if it has provision for a lock to be applied. If it does, get one. When the mayhem sets up, just go to the power panel, open it, open the master switch to power-out the entire house, and lock the panel shut. Go back to their newfound bewilderment and tell them that until they want to make peace and stop raising a ruckus and apologize to you, they can think their thoughts in darkness. Be sure you are the only one with a flashlight. This will get Real whenever anyone needs to make a bowel movement in complete darkness. If the house starts to get cold, let them decide how much chill they want to experience before they change their tune. (Admittedly, this is based on the premise that they are so shallow, they would not experience very much discomfort before they would surrender their own position.)
When I was growing up, I was impressed with the fact that my parents were Forces of Nature. There was no argument. There was only compliance, and if disobedient, punishment and remorse. Your wife has evidently decided to act like a child, but a child who has learned to like being a bully. So, you have three girls cat-fighting for pecking order. You are the only adult.
My brother fell into a similar problem and it got the better of him. He had two daughters, and the wife and the daughters, being the majority out of a family of 4, were always making the decisions on what recreation or entertainment they would pursue. His wishes were simply IGNORED. Eventually, he took to visiting an old school friend who lived 100 miles away, and they would set up a roaring campfire and drink a pack or two of beer. He got to the point where he would go through a six-pack of beer watching evening television. No problem. He was a respected and competent aeronautical engineer, so there was no problem, right? It turns out that binge drinking does not allow the metabolic products of alcohol to be entirely disposed of by the body and some intermediate products wound up being excreted by the kidneys. Some of these are carcinogenic. He wound up with bladder cancer and had to have it removed and replaced by a construct made from some of his lower colon. And then he got peritonitis from the incomplete healing from the surgery, and needed to have 80% of his bowels resected, living on a bag in his side. By about this time, he and his wife had divorced. He was still looking forward to having a life, but then was found near death in his apartment from kidney failure. So, on to a life of dialysis, 3 times weekly. That was the time at which I was starting to re-connect with him, as we had lost touch when he was withdrawing from his family problems. And, finally, after he had bought a new house and made plans for what to do next with his life, he was found in the morning, dead before the fireplace in his beanbag chair from heart failure (which, unaccountably, tends to follow those who are into long-term dialysis). I was the executor of his will. The ex-wife was no longer in the will, but she acted like she had rights in the matter. The daughters were all about what they could plunder from his estate, and even resorted to open theft of his goods before I could begin disposition (they were the heirs). No one was interested in any artifacts or records testifying to his exemplary performance as a Navy officer and as an engineering manager. The daughters got married and moved away to be near the mother. My brother's memory and our side of their family was left behind to drift over the horizon.
So what is the moral of the story? If you don't act on your own behalf, no one will do it for you. If you can't make your position stick as head of the family, pull out the plug and make it clear who is dependent on whom. (Clamp down on the bank account, or make a new one in your name only, and move all the joint funds into it. If they want to eat, they must mollify You. Rip up the coloring book in front of them, and throw it out with the crayons.) Insist on being heard, or else. It's up to you to understand what "or else" must be, or you will have to realize you are holding a worthless hand of cards. Maybe you will not be loved...by bratty, immature, self-centered predators. In all things, it is first necessary to be respected. Without respect, there can be no love. If they try to whine or berate you or guilt trip you, let it wash off like the sewage it is. You can have a grave with a tombstone that they will never look at...or you can have a life. You have to make some very searching choices. You do not have to put up with this shit. They are dependent on you, so draw in the reins---sharply---to get their attention.
At least think this over. Can I say this is the Right thing to do? I think it is, but you need to agree in your heart that it makes sense. Godspeed.
Really sorry about your brother. This is a really powerful message and I need to reread it a few times. Thank you for this.
Thanks for the sympathy. As part of the estate culling process, I collected all of his Navy fitness reviews. He always had high ratings, and every single one was recommending accelerated promotion. His daughters didn't care a whit. He was a good brother, a good man, a good officer, a good husband and father, and a good engineering manager. And I miss him.
Think the message through. I've learned that a lot of life, maturity, and sanity rest on recognizing what is true. Godspeed.