Let's start from the beginning. The earliest time I remember thinking like this was around May 2021. God, that was a long time ago. Then, I passed it off as mere delusion, and continued with life. September Octoberish. A girl I've known for a long time goes up to me in class and says, "Hey, you've always mainly had female friends. You look very feminine and act the part, your voice is really high and versatile, too. I think you'd make a great girl." Or something along those lines. A switch clicks in my brain. I spend days holed up in my room pondering about that thought. Could I really be a girl? Is such a thing even possible? What will everyone think of me? So I did the worst thing you could EVER do. I turned to the internet. Knowing the Internet, Google seems to have a leftist algorithm. All that came up were "symptoms" of "dysphoria" and trans help centers. I then made an even WORSE decision and looked at... Reddit. My god was that a mistake. Once again the same thing happens. I get very few if any opposing that one hivemind narrative that "If you feel you are and say you are you are." Must have been an easy target. I don't remember much of what happened after that. My brain reinforces those thoughts. I turn to my mother. I ask her about it and get a bit shut down. I retaliate. Little did I know she'd seen every episode of I Am Jazz, and knows the harm that comes with it. She had no choice but to "support" me. She for a very long time became the only person I was openly trans to. Then came the psychological pain. Often told not to tell anyone, come up with everything and fix everything wrong with you as soon as possible they said. They said I was the euphoria type, asked me to imagine myself as a girl, extreme high. (I still get that but that's just because I'm weird like that. So what if I want tits? Tits are great.) The community was incredibly sexual. I was like, what? 11 at the time? (Mental age estimated in 30-40s) I was being straight up told to MASTURBATE to the idea of it. Weirdly enough, the whole charade ended up somewhat well for me. I went on Omegle one night and noted the amount of people who could instantly recognize me as female, male, or neither. The responses were overwhelmingly female and indeterminate. Very few if any male responses. (I still "pass" pretty well but that's because all my genes are Mom's.) This flipped a switch. Again. I was begging for feminine things and learn how to be a "girl". This did not work, which I feel was a key factor. It's important to know that at the time, I was subbed to mainly trans and conspiracy-debunk subs. Continue all this pain for a time totaling about 8 months. 8 months of misery, psychological breaks, living in fear, hatred, intense spiraling emotions, echo chambers, surrounded by toxicity. My god was that traumatizing. It's also important to know I'm a sensitive person as is, and my autism turns that to 11. So this was far worse than the average person. One day I see this little Q upvote mark next to one of my conspiracy subs. After 8 months I've had enough, and after asking if I can just stop being trans, I was told it was impossible. So I tried anyway. Continuing, I was told it was dangerous (to go alone, take this!) to go there, as it had radicals, and racists, and bigots, and all the other bads. I asked the domain, and was expected to just know. It was at this moment Reddit did the only good thing it ever has for me, and some kind stranger gave me the domain, I go there, create this account, post about my story, nothing. That doesn't matter. My main focus is to forget anything was ever wrong. After less than a week, I was no longer trans, nor gay. I stay a straight male, with no guilt, pain, or really anything wrong. I have since recovered and am fine now. A lot of other things happened in that time frame that I deem not important to my story, and this is a massive oversimpification, I could go deeper but my mind simply does not allow. All repressed.
I hope you enjoyed reading this rant. Thanks for knowing my story. See ya!
I believe it's promoted and brainwashed into people. It's an easy escape from reality. You are fed the idea that "You don't feel right because you are trans". Of course that doesn't help but now it's - "You don't feel right as a trans because of all the CIS hate but you are still trans"
It's shameful.
Certainly is.
I'm glad I grew up the the 90's. I was a boyish girl people called me a tomboy. They said I should join lots of sports and that was it.
Yup, fellow tomboy here, played softball for years, athletic. 80’s teenage years. Back then people didn’t focus on others being gay, I didn’t anyway nor did anyone I knew.
I am old, so I am speaking from experience: just because a thought enters your mind does NOT mean that you grasp onto it. There is a spiritual war in this world between Good vs. Evil. Evil sends thoughts and desires to lure you into temptation. We must all learn to recognize this and learn to resist the devil and he will flee. Seriously. When a weird thought pops into your head, just isolate it and picture yourself whacking it out with a baseball bat or something. Then you must purposely fill your heart with God by reading the Bible and praying. Start in the book of Matthew and speed read through the genealogy of Jesus. Then dig in.
If there was one time in my life where I would go back and change quite a few things, well that would be puberty. OMG I still spend many waking hours revisiting past transgressions. What's your diet like? I believe that much of what goes on in your head is directly related to what goes in to your belly.
BTW stick around here, we welcome everyone.
My diet is whenever possible, an entire Red Baron. I am almost unable to gain weight. I eat 2-3 of them a week, I weigh under 100lb.
I suggest adding some beef to your diet. Try to find a good mom and pop hamburger shack and replace those pizzas. Stay away from fast food! At the very least, get Steak'umms. Get some brazil nuts for some quick selenium and some much needed fats. Take care of yourself man. Realize that there is a correlation to what goes in as opposed to what comes out. And for the love of GOD, try to limit alone time in the bathroom. That can lead to some pretty confusing thoughts.
I don't like beef. Chicken is good.
Check every food label for soy products. It acts like a female hormone in the body. I'm female and can't eat soy - it makes me highly emotional and teary/ crying for about 24-48 hours afterward.
the soy thing is actually a myth and you can literally test it yourself, if you eliminate the menstrual variable. First, get to know your cycle. What makes it tick? When are your estrogen levels highest? You can likely order some quick hormone tests off of any old where. Once you have them, simply consume a lot of soy. Other things do have female hormones (Lavender, for example) so you need to eat the pure stuff to eliminate variables. Wait a day for it to process in your body. Next, test your levels again, and compare it to how it normally seems. You just proved that soy does not mess with Estrogen. This was created by the government after Vitamin D was added to milk to prevent the nation's deficiencies.
I'm old enough I no longer have a cycle. The pill caused the same reaction when I was younger, had to stop taking it. Not a myth. I accidentally eat something containing a soy product, I'm crying all day the next day, then have to figure out what I ate, and eliminate it. Lays recently started adding soy to their potato chips, and I noticed I had become weepy. Took me a month to figure out I needed to read the new label. They even recommend that soy milk not be fed to baby boys. Again, not a myth, based on personal experience, and taking several years to figure out why I cried so much when there was nothing to cry about. Yeah, it was so bad, I had to quit work.
Why though, if you don't mind my asking?
I just don't like the taste. Always too juicy. meat juice makes me gag
Lift weights. Seriously. Become the fit, buff, strong person that is lurking inside.
Join a decent gym and sign up with a 'straight' trainer/body builder that will be diligent in trying to help you gain some strength and muscle mass. He should be able to give you some pointers on diet, healthy supplements and protein powders to put on musculature.
Recently, I read that if you are genetically male, doing squats and other weight bearing exercises on your thighs is said to raise testosterone levels.
Getting more muscular, having a higher 'T' level and looking more manly may make you feel more manly, I think. If nothing else, you'll be getting healthier.
i honestly think im fine how i am
I am Glad that you had your mom there for you. Identity is key know matter what situation or distress's you are or we are dealing with. I pray God puts people in your life that will be the kind of friends that are helpful. Maybe you don't believe in God, but if you don't mind I will still br praying.
You seem to be in a good place now. But down the road, if you need help staying away from harmful influences, please talk to your mom about some passwords and parental controls and limits on your internet. I'm not saying go offline. I know that's impossible. Just limit what you are looking at. Seek out the positive and uplifting. Avoid pornography and those who seek to change you.
Ps. Also I think it's great you're welcoming masculinity... ypur voice will be changing soon. That girl was a nitwit.
No, I'd like it to stay like this. I much enjoy being able to sing like Paul McCartney and Johnny Cash simultaneously.
There's a book called "Keep the Pigs Out." It might be interesting to you. Old preacher talking about what he learned over years of casting out demons for prisoners.
I was shocked at how young you are because you were able to express your situation fairly well. I am a grandma, but can still recall how it felt to not fit in as a young girl. If it helps, you are not alone, though few people your age can put their feelings into words. Feeling uncomfortable in your skin does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. If I may, I suggest that you avoid any more research into trans/sexual issues for now. There will be plenty of time for those things when you are more mature. Intelligence is not the same as maturity. Just because you can understand things intellectually doesn't mean you are ready to make decisions or experience about some things. I pray that you will know the peace that comes from knowing how much God loves you, just how you are.
So... You are... 12 right now?
Yes. However I am EXTREMELY intelligent for my age. My IQ has been measured as 131 and have been unsuccessful in every attempt to relate to children. Also, is that an issue?
I once read that people with high IQs tend to score high on traits that are more stereotypical of the opposite sex. Just a thought. Males were more sensitive; women were more assertive.
No, it's just a data point as I consider whether or not to take you at face value given the possibility that this is a troll post.
not a trollpost I swear. This is way too elaborate for me to fake knowing me.
Except... I don't know you. So that's not proof.
I DON'T KNOW YOU! THAT'S MY PURSE!
first of all, "IQ" is absolute BULLSHIT.
i also had my "IQ" professionally measured, in an "in-patient" setting, if you know what i mean...
and my "IQ" supposedly measured a number that is higher than yours,
but guess what?
I'm the stupidest person I've ever met.
"Mama says stupid is, as stupid does" ~ Forrest Gump
so it doesn't really matter what your IQ is, if you DO stupid stuff.
our culture tricks our young people into believing they are "smart", or have a high IQ,
but have you ever noticed, that NOBODY you have ever met, will admit to having an IQ under 100?
the reason for that, is because IQ's are just made-up bullshit, that are used to convince ordinary people that they are extraordinarily smart.
it seems to me, to be the mission of programs like mockingbird, COINTELPRO etc is to deliberately dumb down the American public,
and one of the ways they do this, is to fill your head with BULLSHIT, and then give you an A+ if you can regurgitate it back to them on a test.
this has two purposes,
to fill your head with bullshit, that will become your worldview, that you will defend for the rest of your life.
to fill your head with the idea that you are "smarter than average" because you have a triple-digit IQ.
that way, whenever you have a disagreement with anyone, you will automatically assume the other person is wrong,
and the other person is also probably stupid, and maybe even crazy.
the best thing you can do for yourself, is to CRUSH YOUR EGO.
STOP thinking of yourself like you are SMART, because i assure you, you are NOT SMART.
this in't an insult,
but more like a WARNING,
because if you develop an attitude, where you think you are smart, it will show, and it looks like cocky arrogance, and nobody likes it, and its a real turn off for other people, who will not want to be your friend.
instead, START thinking about how smart EVERYONE ELSE is that you know.
your grandmother... is a GRAND mother
your grandfather... is a GRAND father
if you can crush your ego, and humble yourself,
and think of yourself more like a wide-eyed kindergartner on his first trip to a museum,
people will appreciate you for your curiosity, and eagerness to learn,
and people will start to give you unsolicited advice, simply because you appear to be receptive to instruction.
even if you think you know 10X as much as the other person on a subject, just humble yourself, and pretend you don't know much, and sometimes they will start explaining something to you, that you thought you already "knew", but they will explain it in a new way, that makes it make sense you, in a whole new way.
for example,
we all know that "vaccines cause SIDS"...
BUT did you know that SIDS was invented for the sole purpose of covering up the fact that vaccines kill babies?
thats right!
the CDC itself acknowledges that "DEATH" is a potential adverse reaction to any vaccine, and "DEATH is specifically listed for every vaccines specific list...
but you NEVER see "VACCINE REACTION" listed as a cause of death on a death certificate,
but instead you will see SIDS, on a death certificate, witch is a wink-wink to those who know, that the baby died from a vaccine, but they can't admit it, and they can't leave the cause of death space blank...
these people are NOT incompetent.
these people are "EVIL"
https://i.redd.it/0bjnz4nwnnz21.png
hundred percent. wow hrmmm ah hmm k
Seems like you saw the red flags flying. Glad you worked it out. I have seen a few fiends wind up self medicating to the point they cant escape that hive of busy bees.
Interesting story, thanks for sharing..i think at a higher level, there’s mass grooming/mind control towards everyone, even mildly chemically imbalanced (in your case, puberty). It can happen so easily. Most people struggle their whole lives trying to figure out who they are and what decisions to make…you were able to come out of it with a clear head and a truly rare and profound story. There are prob lots of people who stay trans because they too, believe it’s impossible or they’re in too deep. Clearly it’s a battle within the self that can be resolved. I always wonder about those trans people in prostitution/porn and wonder what they go through on a day to day basis.
Congratulations on being true to yourself. That's all anyone can do.