Ok so I’ve just been reading your posts and your pain is so raw. I know this is a Q board but when one of us suffers, we all suffer. It is gut wrenching.
I’m a veteran and one thing that happened to many of my fellow vets is that they came out of service with an addiction. Or developed one while transitioning. I know sooo many people. The one thing I’ve learned from trying to help is that they need to hit rock bottom and actually want help. It sounds cliche but it’s true. So look at that. Another important thing is the whole concept of tough love.
Tough love.... you’re not doing that. I can see you’re enabling your son. Every little thing to every big thing is enabling him to get more drugs. Apartment on your property? That’s enabling. Yeah, you don’t want him sleeping on the street but the amazing thing is, most people who use illegal drugs or even alcohol to excess are incredibly adept at getting what they want. They’re very resourceful. How do they manage to get illegal drugs? As easily as he gets them, he can find a couch to surf on or a shelter. He will manage if you say- “under no circumstances will you live here during active addiction. None.” And drug test him and follow through kicking him out if he fails. Because it puts you, any other family and your property in danger. Sometimes mortal danger. So, he needs to leave if he’s using. Sounds horrible, right? Something could happen to him!
But the flip side is... there are two certainties with using things such as heroin or meth or whatever- death.. or imprisonment. Those are the only options for him if he keeps using. So, does cutting him off from his cozy apartment seem that unreasonable? What you’re doing is enabling him. He needs 20$ for food? No he doesn’t. It’s a lie. He wants to drive your car? He is driving to score more drugs or hang out with others getting high. I’ve seen it so many times. Most things coming out of his mouth are lies. You need to accept that. It isn't to hurt you, it’s not about you. His number one goal is to get more drugs. I try to help my brothers, man and one thing I’ve learned is that they don’t want real help in those situations. They’re using you and they’ll keep using you until they can’t use you anymore. They’ll bargain, make promises and never follow through. How many times have you heard “I’ll pay you back, I swear.” It’s a lie. Don’t trust he isn’t going through your belongings and stealing from you. He probably has. Don’t trust him with your car. If he crashes and you’ve insured it- guess whose rates are going up? Secure your firearms. I’ve seen family members killed over drugs. People who loved their kids literally to death.
You are not helping him by helping him remain in limbo. He’s tried this, he’s tried that... it will go on until you’re demolished. HE, and only He has to want to get help and commit to it. Yes, you love him dearly. Yes you can’t stand to see him in pain and all that. But yes, he will destroy you because in active addiction, drugs are more important to him than you.
I remember one person saying “if love could cure me, I would have been cured a long time ago.” But it can’t.
One thing you can do is look up all the substance abuse services near you. And the homeless shelters. Write them down and ask him where he wants to be dropped off. Look up Narcotics Anonymous for him and Nar-Anon for you. Nar-anon is for family and loved ones of addicted people. An incredible org. and something you may gain a great deal of insight and support from. I’ve spoken at some of their meetings and I remember one lady who was struggling hard with the same situation as you and she got to the point where she kicked him out and he literally was living under a bridge. She’d bring him food. Warm stuff. He seemed perfectly content to live under a bridge until one day he decided to stop getting high and get help. Millions and millions of unfortunate stories like yours though and each one is equally as heartbreaking. But, on the other hand- it is entirely possible your kid will get help and get on the road to recovery when he’s ready. But this limbo, this crisis after crisis, this agony and sleepless night after sleepless night will keep going on as long as YOU LET IT.
You’re blinded by your love and devotion to him. Tough love is the very best thing you can do right now.
Editing to add (because this isn’t long enough) when you say, in all caps that he will be ANGRY about the car... tells me you’re afraid of him. That he flips out when he doesn’t get his way. Why should you have to live this way? At the very least, look up Nar-anon online and get help for yourself. Don’t hesitate to call law enforcement if you’re worried about your safety. They see this all the time.
Wife of a recovered addict-- these words written by NobodyLikesSplatter are solid truths.
An addict WILL NOT get better until THEY WANT TO. There is no amount of love and encouragement that will make them change. The only change you will see is losing yourself in another's disease-you will lose your confidence, your convictions and your own sense of self.
I cannot agree more with the recommendations to seek out narc-anon and/or al-anon meetings-some can be done online. These meetings/people help you keep your sense of self and remind you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Shockingly, when I started removing myself from husband's addiction cycles, and refusing to be part of it--he woke up (3 yrs later). Hubs had his rock bottom-but he's back. He's 3+ yrs sober and re-learning how to be himself again.
Love = being there, while keeping yourself healthy with healthy boundaries.
I have lost too many other friends to overdose- 2 within the past year. Recovery is a lifelong process..
It is so beautiful on the other side...
100% Correct. Pain is a motivator for change. Substance abusers are numb to pain. The sooner they feel the pain of their decisions, the sooner they have an opportunity to change. They may or may not take the opportunity. Often they choose more pain. If your effort to "help" equates to lessening their pain, you are not helping at all...just prolonging (enabling) their ability to be self-destructive. The sooner your loved one is in a place to be free from drugs (jail or rehab), the sooner he can have a chance get his life back. One of the hardest things a loving parent must do is to step back and let their child crash so that they can get the help they desperately need. Try to find others who have done this. Together with God, they will help you get through. Best wishes.
Ya I know but it IS my car. It's in my name and my insurance and I paid for it. My son was suppose to pay me back then get it in his name and he did neither. Now he is dangerous behind the wheel. I don't want to ruin it, just make it not start. Although if I have to ruin it in the end, it would be better being out the money than him or someone else getting hurt or killed.
I hope you are safe. Sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. Perhaps the real question should be how to get yourself out of this situation rather than finding small temporary solutions for big problems.
That said, pull a important fuse. Or better yet, get a spare fuse, short it to the battery so it blows then replace the good fuse with the bad one. If he finds it, it'll look like it's just blown and not intentionally removed.
I feel your pain whatever it is. I've done this very thing with an alcoholic to keep them from driving to go get more booze.
I'm not sure how knowledgeable you are with cars, but under the hood, usually near the battery, there should be a black box with wires going into it. This is a fuse box, and if you open the lid and flip it over, there should be a a diagram labeling all of the fuses and relays and their corresponding locations.
The fuel pump relay typically looks like a black square. When you locate it just pull it out.
I cut the fuel pump wire running into the fuse box then installed a micro switch inline at a hidden spot to keep people from stealing classic cars with electric fuel pumps.
Look in the manual and find a fuse for ignition or something like that. Simple and easy to replace when needed. Some fuse boxes are very easy to access. Some others more of a pain.
I once had a nice little sports car and at the time it was high on the "Stolen Vehicles" list. I had a mechanic put in a kill switch so that the car could only start if you turned on the headlights first. Worked very nicely.
When I was a kid I lived in a fairly high crime area, also back then cars had no technology and were much easier to steal than they are now. My mate came up with a cool idea; he wired a reed switch (magnetic switch) into the ignition and the car would not start unless he waved a magnet over a particular point on the dash. He had a colourful/humorous fridge magnet in the car which nobody would think meant anything.
Cheap and effective and not much work. If messing with the wiring is too much though (and a lot harder on a modern car) then I think you are out of luck.
Most vehicles have a "rollover" switch. It cuts off power to the fuel system in case of accidental rollover. Usually under the dash. Check the owners manual to find it. Flipping a switch is easier than removing fuses.
Yes, by far the simplest and most effective method. Of course, I would fit a switch but some people are too ignorant of electrics to be able to do that.
Can't flatten the tires that would be too obvious. There must be a cord under the hood i could remove. He's not mechanically inclined so he wouldn't notice that.
You could phone up or go to a dealership or auto workshop and ask about your
model of vehicle and the simplest way to disable it.
Example: on some vehicles, you can easily pull a plug/connector lead on the ignition control unit or engine management unit,often very easy and not very
obvious. (Mechanics do this if turning engine over with spark plugs removed,
so as not to damage the control unit)
Also similar can be done to starter motor circuit and as other Anons have mentioned,the fuel pump relay.
I wish you all the best in the difficult situation you find yourself in with your son.
We used to take the started motor out. You coulc also remove a spark plug, or take the rotor out. I don't know if that helps, that's just what we did in the nineties.
I spent years working with partners and family of addicts. It is terrible to see the torment. I remember only one intervention working which was a dad who took his whole family off-grid. Mostly I saw people broken by the burden of guilt they lay on themselves.
People struggled with forcing cold turkey on someone not wanting to be responsible for causing suffering. Damned if you do damned if you don't. Thank God for God.
First I talked and talked to him. Didn't work. Then I told him he couldn't stay here if he was doing drugs. He had a free apartment on the side of my house. Thought he wouldn't want to lose it. He left. Took the big tv and new x-box and sold them both. Disappeared for weeks. Came back, said he couldn't quit cold turkey because it would kill him. Said he wants to quit and would ween himself off. Has not done that. He endangered my life a few nights ago where BAD people were threatening to come here with guns and they have done things like that to others AND things involving fire. He has stolen most of my savings. He is driving a car that is in my name while intoxicated. In moments of clarity, he has cried and apologized and I believe he meant it but within hours was back doing it and being VERY mean. Found another new 'friend' today that is into the same stuff who wants driven around, another dangerous person. I've tried tough love. I've tried literally begging . Literally. And I've prayed and prayed and prayed and.........
FYI, there are only TWO known substances that can kill you during withdrawals: alcohol and benzodiazepines (xanax, valium, etc). If he's using cocaine, heroin, meth... he won't die. He'll want to... but he won't.
btw. They give NAC if someone takes a Tylenol overdose. It stops the intermediate breakdown products from destroying the liver by speeding up detoxifying.
Back in the 1990's we all used to fit "secret switches" to our cars. You get a toggle lever switch and put it in the ignition circuit where the wires enter the bulkhead, mount the switch somewhere up under the driver footwell. It's a lazy mans immobiliser. No thief will find it in a hurry.
Ok so I’ve just been reading your posts and your pain is so raw. I know this is a Q board but when one of us suffers, we all suffer. It is gut wrenching.
I’m a veteran and one thing that happened to many of my fellow vets is that they came out of service with an addiction. Or developed one while transitioning. I know sooo many people. The one thing I’ve learned from trying to help is that they need to hit rock bottom and actually want help. It sounds cliche but it’s true. So look at that. Another important thing is the whole concept of tough love.
Tough love.... you’re not doing that. I can see you’re enabling your son. Every little thing to every big thing is enabling him to get more drugs. Apartment on your property? That’s enabling. Yeah, you don’t want him sleeping on the street but the amazing thing is, most people who use illegal drugs or even alcohol to excess are incredibly adept at getting what they want. They’re very resourceful. How do they manage to get illegal drugs? As easily as he gets them, he can find a couch to surf on or a shelter. He will manage if you say- “under no circumstances will you live here during active addiction. None.” And drug test him and follow through kicking him out if he fails. Because it puts you, any other family and your property in danger. Sometimes mortal danger. So, he needs to leave if he’s using. Sounds horrible, right? Something could happen to him!
But the flip side is... there are two certainties with using things such as heroin or meth or whatever- death.. or imprisonment. Those are the only options for him if he keeps using. So, does cutting him off from his cozy apartment seem that unreasonable? What you’re doing is enabling him. He needs 20$ for food? No he doesn’t. It’s a lie. He wants to drive your car? He is driving to score more drugs or hang out with others getting high. I’ve seen it so many times. Most things coming out of his mouth are lies. You need to accept that. It isn't to hurt you, it’s not about you. His number one goal is to get more drugs. I try to help my brothers, man and one thing I’ve learned is that they don’t want real help in those situations. They’re using you and they’ll keep using you until they can’t use you anymore. They’ll bargain, make promises and never follow through. How many times have you heard “I’ll pay you back, I swear.” It’s a lie. Don’t trust he isn’t going through your belongings and stealing from you. He probably has. Don’t trust him with your car. If he crashes and you’ve insured it- guess whose rates are going up? Secure your firearms. I’ve seen family members killed over drugs. People who loved their kids literally to death.
You are not helping him by helping him remain in limbo. He’s tried this, he’s tried that... it will go on until you’re demolished. HE, and only He has to want to get help and commit to it. Yes, you love him dearly. Yes you can’t stand to see him in pain and all that. But yes, he will destroy you because in active addiction, drugs are more important to him than you.
I remember one person saying “if love could cure me, I would have been cured a long time ago.” But it can’t.
One thing you can do is look up all the substance abuse services near you. And the homeless shelters. Write them down and ask him where he wants to be dropped off. Look up Narcotics Anonymous for him and Nar-Anon for you. Nar-anon is for family and loved ones of addicted people. An incredible org. and something you may gain a great deal of insight and support from. I’ve spoken at some of their meetings and I remember one lady who was struggling hard with the same situation as you and she got to the point where she kicked him out and he literally was living under a bridge. She’d bring him food. Warm stuff. He seemed perfectly content to live under a bridge until one day he decided to stop getting high and get help. Millions and millions of unfortunate stories like yours though and each one is equally as heartbreaking. But, on the other hand- it is entirely possible your kid will get help and get on the road to recovery when he’s ready. But this limbo, this crisis after crisis, this agony and sleepless night after sleepless night will keep going on as long as YOU LET IT.
You’re blinded by your love and devotion to him. Tough love is the very best thing you can do right now.
Editing to add (because this isn’t long enough) when you say, in all caps that he will be ANGRY about the car... tells me you’re afraid of him. That he flips out when he doesn’t get his way. Why should you have to live this way? At the very least, look up Nar-anon online and get help for yourself. Don’t hesitate to call law enforcement if you’re worried about your safety. They see this all the time.
Former addict here... this is spot on.
Good for you for getting help and being clean. Much love!
Wife of a recovered addict-- these words written by NobodyLikesSplatter are solid truths. An addict WILL NOT get better until THEY WANT TO. There is no amount of love and encouragement that will make them change. The only change you will see is losing yourself in another's disease-you will lose your confidence, your convictions and your own sense of self. I cannot agree more with the recommendations to seek out narc-anon and/or al-anon meetings-some can be done online. These meetings/people help you keep your sense of self and remind you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Shockingly, when I started removing myself from husband's addiction cycles, and refusing to be part of it--he woke up (3 yrs later). Hubs had his rock bottom-but he's back. He's 3+ yrs sober and re-learning how to be himself again. Love = being there, while keeping yourself healthy with healthy boundaries. I have lost too many other friends to overdose- 2 within the past year. Recovery is a lifelong process.. It is so beautiful on the other side...
100% Correct. Pain is a motivator for change. Substance abusers are numb to pain. The sooner they feel the pain of their decisions, the sooner they have an opportunity to change. They may or may not take the opportunity. Often they choose more pain. If your effort to "help" equates to lessening their pain, you are not helping at all...just prolonging (enabling) their ability to be self-destructive. The sooner your loved one is in a place to be free from drugs (jail or rehab), the sooner he can have a chance get his life back. One of the hardest things a loving parent must do is to step back and let their child crash so that they can get the help they desperately need. Try to find others who have done this. Together with God, they will help you get through. Best wishes.
That's exactly what I would say if it wasn't my car.
Sounds like he needs to get into trouble. People don’t stop doing stupid shit until they have experienced enough pain or until the Lord demands it.
Call the police and report it stolen with a drunk driver behind the wheel.
Ya I know but it IS my car. It's in my name and my insurance and I paid for it. My son was suppose to pay me back then get it in his name and he did neither. Now he is dangerous behind the wheel. I don't want to ruin it, just make it not start. Although if I have to ruin it in the end, it would be better being out the money than him or someone else getting hurt or killed.
Take out a couple important fuses
Starter relay.
I hope you are safe. Sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. Perhaps the real question should be how to get yourself out of this situation rather than finding small temporary solutions for big problems.
Agreed to this 100%
That said, pull a important fuse. Or better yet, get a spare fuse, short it to the battery so it blows then replace the good fuse with the bad one. If he finds it, it'll look like it's just blown and not intentionally removed.
I feel your pain whatever it is. I've done this very thing with an alcoholic to keep them from driving to go get more booze.
Fuel pump relay.
Everything else will still work, fuel pump just won't operate to send fuel forward.
Yes I agree, but they asked for an easy way.
Where is that located?
I'm not sure how knowledgeable you are with cars, but under the hood, usually near the battery, there should be a black box with wires going into it. This is a fuse box, and if you open the lid and flip it over, there should be a a diagram labeling all of the fuses and relays and their corresponding locations.
The fuel pump relay typically looks like a black square. When you locate it just pull it out.
OK I think I can do that. Thank you.
There will also be a map to the fusebox located on the cover or in the manual.
This
I cut the fuel pump wire running into the fuse box then installed a micro switch inline at a hidden spot to keep people from stealing classic cars with electric fuel pumps.
Disconnect the battery.
Remove a fuse to the ignition.
He would notice the battery was disconnected. The fuse is a great idea though. I think I can do that! Thank you.
You could blow the fuse by flashing it across a car battery if you have a bit of flex. Then put it back in the car.
Look in the manual and find a fuse for ignition or something like that. Simple and easy to replace when needed. Some fuse boxes are very easy to access. Some others more of a pain.
I once had a nice little sports car and at the time it was high on the "Stolen Vehicles" list. I had a mechanic put in a kill switch so that the car could only start if you turned on the headlights first. Worked very nicely.
When I was a kid I lived in a fairly high crime area, also back then cars had no technology and were much easier to steal than they are now. My mate came up with a cool idea; he wired a reed switch (magnetic switch) into the ignition and the car would not start unless he waved a magnet over a particular point on the dash. He had a colourful/humorous fridge magnet in the car which nobody would think meant anything.
Cheap and effective and not much work. If messing with the wiring is too much though (and a lot harder on a modern car) then I think you are out of luck.
This is realiy smart. Going to do this. thanks.
Most vehicles have a "rollover" switch. It cuts off power to the fuel system in case of accidental rollover. Usually under the dash. Check the owners manual to find it. Flipping a switch is easier than removing fuses.
Pull the Fuel pump Fuse
Yes, by far the simplest and most effective method. Of course, I would fit a switch but some people are too ignorant of electrics to be able to do that.
Banana in the tail pipe.
Look, man! I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!
Well, if it was 1980 something I'd say remove the distributor cap. Lol. My friend went and bought his own so he could keep taking the car
I had a spare ignition and keys for when the keys were taken away.
I'm sorry. I just read the whole thread. I will pray for you and your family.
Take the owner's manual for the car.
Look up where to locate the gas pump relay on the computer diagram.
Yank it out gently.
Car will start, but the gas won't flow.
Can't flatten the tires that would be too obvious. There must be a cord under the hood i could remove. He's not mechanically inclined so he wouldn't notice that.
You could phone up or go to a dealership or auto workshop and ask about your model of vehicle and the simplest way to disable it.
Example: on some vehicles, you can easily pull a plug/connector lead on the ignition control unit or engine management unit,often very easy and not very obvious. (Mechanics do this if turning engine over with spark plugs removed, so as not to damage the control unit)
Also similar can be done to starter motor circuit and as other Anons have mentioned,the fuel pump relay.
I wish you all the best in the difficult situation you find yourself in with your son.
We used to take the started motor out. You coulc also remove a spark plug, or take the rotor out. I don't know if that helps, that's just what we did in the nineties.
Yeah I took a troubleshooting course and for my turn, the instructor had taken the rotor out!
Chuck, you're bending over backwards for this person and disrespecting your own safety and wellbeing in the process.
The strength to help that loved one will not come from allowing oneself to be intimidated.
I spent years working with partners and family of addicts. It is terrible to see the torment. I remember only one intervention working which was a dad who took his whole family off-grid. Mostly I saw people broken by the burden of guilt they lay on themselves.
People struggled with forcing cold turkey on someone not wanting to be responsible for causing suffering. Damned if you do damned if you don't. Thank God for God.
First I talked and talked to him. Didn't work. Then I told him he couldn't stay here if he was doing drugs. He had a free apartment on the side of my house. Thought he wouldn't want to lose it. He left. Took the big tv and new x-box and sold them both. Disappeared for weeks. Came back, said he couldn't quit cold turkey because it would kill him. Said he wants to quit and would ween himself off. Has not done that. He endangered my life a few nights ago where BAD people were threatening to come here with guns and they have done things like that to others AND things involving fire. He has stolen most of my savings. He is driving a car that is in my name while intoxicated. In moments of clarity, he has cried and apologized and I believe he meant it but within hours was back doing it and being VERY mean. Found another new 'friend' today that is into the same stuff who wants driven around, another dangerous person. I've tried tough love. I've tried literally begging . Literally. And I've prayed and prayed and prayed and.........
FYI, there are only TWO known substances that can kill you during withdrawals: alcohol and benzodiazepines (xanax, valium, etc). If he's using cocaine, heroin, meth... he won't die. He'll want to... but he won't.
Will the NAC hurt him if he takes it while drugs are in his system?
btw. They give NAC if someone takes a Tylenol overdose. It stops the intermediate breakdown products from destroying the liver by speeding up detoxifying.
Wow! Thank you!
Insurance will get him into treatment. Send him out of state with no money. Daybreak in Philadelphia is a good one.
The car is WAY overdue for an oil change and needs other work so I don't think he will know.
Just take out the coil wire!
You could barely disconnect a battery cable without it being too noticeable loosening it up.
find the Crankshaft Position Sensor and unplug it.
Thank you.
Yes… simply remove the engine when not in yes/ that or the spark plugs? 😎
Back in the 1990's we all used to fit "secret switches" to our cars. You get a toggle lever switch and put it in the ignition circuit where the wires enter the bulkhead, mount the switch somewhere up under the driver footwell. It's a lazy mans immobiliser. No thief will find it in a hurry.
Buy a steering wheel lock.
Or remove the battery and lock it in the trunk.