First off this will be a long post with many grammar and punctuation errors. Please forgive me for that as I’m not college educated. So grammar police please try and understand.
This story goes back 25 years or more. My ex wife and mother of our only child a daughter was once a very successful broker in the financial system in the Midwest region at a time when men dominated the field her making a substantial salary, ten times that of mine in a blue collar union job at our home in California. We have owned and lived in some beautiful homes from Northern Virginia to California. We were living the American dream traveling abroad visits to Disneyworld staying at the nicest resorts. All the while she tried to portray me to her colleagues as someone who had substantial wealth in the wine industry because we live in a very prominent northern ca region. I should have seen the writing on the wall at this point but I chose to ignore it. At this point in time we had a young daughter and my only goal was to help foster her into the great women she is today.
Then I started noticing changes in my wife’s behavior small at first then became more noticeable. She was addicted to opiates, whatever or however she could get her hands on them from doctor shopping to whatever other means of cheating the system to get more drugs. At this point I had had enough and as much as I didn’t want to we went through divorce proceedings. That was close to 25 years ago. I have always kept in communication with her and have allowed her to live with me when she fell into dire straits. She has been to numerous rehab facilities from private upscale in Napa Valley to the worst of the worst in San Francisco. Nothing has changed.
My daughter who now has given me two precious granddaughters has not spoken to her since they were born. And wants nothing to do with her. This breaks my heart.
The ex wife has fallen into the hands of social services through outreach from being in homeless centers. Social services is a joke their personal seems to change every month and a new physiologist assigned. Then the cycle continues new physiological drugs administered. It’s a cycle that never stops. Due to HIPPA rules myself or my daughter can give no input through the health system to give any input on her past. The system is truly broken.
So as of today her new physiologist has her on Suboxone and she is once again living at my home. So am I too naive to believe somehow I can break this cycle should I just cut all ties and wait for the coroner to call with the bad news. I’ve tried to hold on thinking I can bring her back to once again have a relationship with my daughter.
Am I asking too much? Should I just let go? Thanks for any prayers or advice.
Your Daughter has a great Father.
I'm clean and sober for 38 years and know that people CAN recover from addictions; I've seen it in myself and countless others through NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). People come in to these programs beaten and utterly lost, and I've witnessed miracles happen.
See if you can get her into NA and AA in your local area, even drive her there and back home to attend meetings. Local listing should help you find meetings.
AA and NA don't simply address the addiction, they offer a spiritual way of living a better life. It's not a passive program, she will have to work the 12 steps, but that will be easier for her if she works with a sponsor... someone more mature in the program who will work with her for no fee or cost.
We who have been in the program freely sponsor newer members, knowing that "we can't keep it unless we give it away." My sponsor, long dead now, was directly responsible for me being alive today.
Suboxone and other aids can help, but a new person in the program working with a member with long term sobriety is the best way for a newcomer to get and stay sober.
She has already tried AA and NA with a sponsor and failed both programs. Pretty sure what another commentator said on here “if you’re not ready for change it will never happen” unfortunately I think that’s true.
I've known people who say "AA doesn't work..." but after repeated attempts end up making it.
April 9th 1984 AA's 12 step program has given me a sober life since then 40+yrs... my daughter lost her 3 children to their father, a wonderful dad, because she too got addicted to opioids, she was a secretary and aid at an assisted living place. She talks to herself now and hears voices all the time..she's in her 30s now, this started when she was in her teens...and you are RIGHT no help from the system...We as a family signed a petition order for a 72hr evaluation, that was a joke ...they released her back to the drug dealer less than 2hrs later...that was "BRIDGES" Mesa AZ...I hate them POS..I will be praying for all of you, don't give up...we never stop trying.....I don't see my daughter anymore but I keep alot of feelers out there, they check in and let me know how "LOLA" is doing, her name is Lauren..!! Hang in there dude you are not alone...at all.
Congrats brother, I hope I have decades sober someday. Look at my post to OP about his ex wife. I think Oxford House could help your daughter if she ever decides to clean up. I made some pretty good friends in sober living who were opioid addicts. I was just a drunk that needed a place to come home to that didn't have any booze so I had a real chance to quit drinking. We always looked at one another amazed early on in our recovery. I couldn't believe they quit shooting heroin or fentynal and they were baffled that I had the will power to pass a dozen bars and liquor stores on my way home each night.
We even concidered kidnapping her, get her to a place where we could treat her without her being able to leave, get her sober, for the first time in years, and see how she feels....and be willing to be charged with abduction!! ya know....lol....haven't done it...YET
I'd dump my old man's booze out on Sundays when the liquor store was closed. He'd be sober, pissed off and DT-ing. I'd just leave afterwards so he couldn't beat my ass, revenge for all the stupid shit he'd do all week drunk.
My dad was a sad drunk, he would cry missing my mom, she had divorced him years earlier, he never remarried, and never quit drinking either. He trusted someone he should not have, and that person killed him in his house...then sold his property...so did drinking kill him?...bad choices made because of drinking!...so yes and no...that guy is dead today, he died tortured and struggling!!! Cancer ten years.
It's working for me on my fourth attempt kek! Congratulations on 38 years brother It's a hard monkey to keep off your shoulder, I'll be in my seventies to achieve that long sober.
Someone along my journey told me that I cannot fight alcohol, but if I turn it over and let God do the fighting, go to meetings, sponsor someone new, and do the next right thing that I would do well.
So that is how I stay clean and sober a day at a time, turning it over daily, and now drugs and alcohol are a distant memory and they have no power over me.
I'm finally at the stage where I can walk into the liquor store and by smokes (my last remaining addiction). The only place around was the liquor store the one morning, 4 drunks shaking in line at 9 a.m. watching me only getting cigarettes. I'm sitting there almost feeling sick myself remembering those DTs, wondering if I smelled as bad as them when I was drinking a pint of vodka for breakfast just to stop shaking enough to function.
God had to have had a hand in my recovery, I was pretty close to drinking myself to death. I'm truly blessed to wake up in a bed in a home not feeling like shit instead of living in my truck one more stupid decision away from being in prison or pushing a shopping cart to my tent each evening.
from personal experiences myself and with others addicted to ANY kind of substance, habit or behavior, there are a million ways IN, but only ONE WAY OUT...and that is through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...once they feel the devil about to snatch their soul, hopefully they will find the will to change, immediately and forever...may God bless you for trying to help, but ultimately, it is ONLY the addicted one who can make that change, and save themselves...praying for your family...
Prayers on the way fren.
My mother was an IV cocaine user during the 70’s to late 80’s and then from ‘95 on she was an IV opiate addict, ie dilaudid, opana, etc… Put it this way, nothing changed her the way that the opiate addiction did. She died in 2021 and I was with her. She was in the hospital dying AND going in to withdrawals bc the hospital didn’t have any doctors that were qualified to administer her “medication,” so she had to wait for her primary doctor to show up. I’ll never forget it bc the morning of her death, her doctor walked in and asked my mom if she was ready for her meds (dilaudid) and my mom nodded her head and then I caught the glance they gave each other, as in saying “this is the one to put you to sleep.” So even in death, my mom had to have her opiates.
As hard as it is, let your wife go her own way bc you aren’t gonna change a damn thing, I’m sorry to say.
“As hard as it is, let your wife go her own way bc you aren’t gonna change a damn thing”
Your statement is most likely correct. I however am having a hard time believing that faith and change can’t happen. Praying
Opiates are the hardest to get off of. William Burroughs said something to the effect that opiates change a persons DNA. Do what you will bc I was the same way with my mom. She was a hardcore IV addict from the time I was four till she died when I was 50. It was only during the last ten years of her life that I finally cut strings bc I just couldn’t take the insanity anymore.
To speed up the process, my advise is to let her fall almost as low as she can go bc the more you and others help her, the longer she’s gonna be on drugs. You guys are making it easy for her. An addict truly has to hit the absolute rock bottom when the addiction is at the level of your ex-wife. Yes, she could overdose and die in the process but something has to happen either way. Right now, you’re keeping her in limbo and she’s doing the same to you. Limbo goes nowhere. A decision has to be made to cut her off and leave her to her own devises and at that point one of three things will happen:
A) she overdoses and dies B) she just keeps on doing drugs with no end in sight C) her life finally reaches a point where she can’t take it anymore and genuinely wants to quit.
Lifting each of you up in prayer her for healing from her addiction and you and your daughter for strength and healing from the devastating impact addiction has on all those in the path of an addict. Your integrity is inspiring, my friend.
It is nice to read that you still care for her. That is a sign of a good man. People make choices, I scratch my head as to why they make obvious bad choices, though. It is life and only when she sees the bottom of the pit will she gain the strength to fight her addicitons. I wouldn't know what the bottom is, but most folks just wake up one day and say, "this is the day I WANT to change", and it begins there.
Is she looking over the precipice yet? Does she have ANYTHING to live for? Is she strong enough to live on her own and keep her nose out of the candy?
God bless you, fren. I hope and pray she will see the errors of her ways and soon will change her position in life.
May your ex-wife find her way back to health, self esteem and independence.
May her addiction subside.
I'm truly sorry to hear about this situation and you have my prayers. Have you looked into ibogaine treatment?
I have not. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will research it.
Prayers for you and your family.
May the Lord guide you and let you know when you need to lay it completely at His feet.
Maybe I'm just a sucker but I always ask myself: Will I have horrible regret if I don't do what I can?
If the answer is "Most likely" then I do what I can.
If the answer is "Not sure" then I pray for guidance.
If the answer is "Sadly, probably not" then I put it in God's hands and do what I have to in order to protect myself from the fallout.
Good advice to tune your internal compass.
Didn’t POTUS just sign a bill making a drug that stops addiction or something? Look into it.. in the end, this is a spiritual sickness rather than physical. Because when you’re on drugs it’s easy for entities to influence or enter the person.. The only way to receive full healing is through Jesus Christ and to rebuke whatever spirits that are dwelling in the addicted person.
Pray to God and declare you refuse tragic endings in your family and in your story.. that you’re ready for Victory, God’s favors, healing, redemption, and forgiveness to enter your life and your ex wife and daughter’s.
Ibogaine, a naturally occurring compound from a shrub native to Africa, is used to treat depression, anxiety.
It also works on addictions.
Can anyone recommend a facility for this treatment they have had success with.? Lots of them out there not sure what ones are legitimate. If anyone has experience please let me know.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I showed her this thread and she is researching ibogaine. Maybe this is the path forward. Thank you all for giving me some hope and a path forward. I’m willing to try anything at this point.
Do what your heart tells you to do. Prayers for your family. 🙏
I just want you to know there IS hope AND miracles happen. My son was a complete alcoholic and meth addict for years. It was very dangerous .... long story, nightmare. He is clean and sober now about a year and a half. Working full time. I HAVE MY SON BACK. I always would check on him, when he'd let me in, and let him know I still loved him always and that he could move in but THAT stuff was not allowed. I PRAYED CONSTANTLY and cried a lot. JESUS answered my prayers . My son is now healthy physically, mentally and spiritually. Without help from doctors or programs. GOD IS GOOD!
This is going to sound outlandish, but I know it works. Bob Becks "Brain Tuner", you can purchase on ebay or Amazon. Follow the instructions and use as often as advised. My daughter overcame an addiction to multiple drugs. Once she was safely detoxed she started using the brain tuner and has not had a relapse or desire to use drugs or alcohol in over 25 years. It won't hurt to try and may prove to be a permanent cure.
Have you tried a faith based support group?
https://celebraterecovery.com/
It's for "hurts, hang ups, and habits" so she (or you) would be in a group of people with different issues who need support. There are frequently a wide range of addictions in the groups. It's also not uncommon for people to belong to 2 or 3 different groups in the same city. I knew a lady who managed to have a meeting every day of the week by going to different churches. She said that she felt the need for daily support.
You can't help her, only she can help herself. 30 days in rehab then you don't allow her back into your home, you show her Oxford House Oxfordhouse.org where she learns how to live again. She can get methadone while she has help to find employment and learns to deal with her addiction. They're required to have a curfew on new comer status, make your bed, do a chore, submit to random UAs, attend some sort of recovery program.
She will be forced to regain her social skills, stay sober and will be watched by a bunch of addicts who know every lie in the book. About the time she gets 6 months sober she's going to have to work on her spiritual side to maintain it. This is the point to start considering Ibogain or DMT for a good look inside her soul. AA didn't work for me the first couple times too. I'm a severe alcoholic that had to hit rock bottom, most addicts do.
When you are finally willing to admit you're powerless over drugs and or alcohol and your life is unmanageable and you're ready to turn your life over to God or a higher power as you know it then your spiritual awakening and path to sobriety is possible. I've helped many people along their path and had a lot of help along mine from some really beautiful people.
The fact that I can walk into the liquor store and come out without any alcohol is nothing short of a miracle. I'm still helping Oxford guys get jobs and clean up their past. Just had one guy helping me build a foundation on a greenhouse yesterday who was shooting heroin, smoking fentynal and doing meth a year ago. He's becoming a productive member of society and a good father.
They say, "Don't trip over the dead on your path to recovery". I was close to drinking myself to death and have watched MANY "go back out" after years being clean and die from it. She's going to die from this if she doesn't get help. You should ask her if she wants to die from her addiction and when she inevitably says no you drive her directly to rehab. When she's sober for more than a week during a visit you give her the information about Oxford House. Explain that you cannot have her in your home until she has her problem under control.
She will lie, she will manipulate, she will steal from you. Addicts are a liability, don't risk your well-being and your effort until you truly believe she's changing and is going to give her recovery every ounce of her energy. DM me if you like, I'll help you out anyway I can. It's pretty fucked up to admit the subject I'm most qualified to answer questions about is either electrical work or dealing with addicts and addiction... KEK
That's a very difficult situation. I have had two experiences, and one ended well ... until a facilitator showed up to reintroduce opiates "to help." This person, after a heart attack, was completely off and in strict rehab in a faith-based rehab and was getting better every day for about 4 months and it was beautiful to see ... before her daughter showed up with pain medication and got her on the cycle again.
I've been told methodone helps some people.
Like you, I believe there is a way out. Also like you, I don't know what it is. But I will add my prayers to yours. God bless. 🙏
Prayers for everyone in your family, Fren. I agree with others on looking into ibogaine. On the spiritual side, I would have faith change is possible and pray for God’s will and healing but accept that that may not be the path she’s on. You can’t change her, and from the sounds of it she may not be ready to change (yet). You mentioned your daughter having no contact, but does your ex want contact with her daughter? Treating addiction is one thing, but understanding what she’s trying to numb or escape by using may help her kick it.
Yes my ex wants contact with the daughter however my daughter wants nothing to do with her. My granddaughters are 4 and 2 yers old she has had no contact with them until she can get her shit straight. I don’t blame my daughter at all she is doing what’s best for her children. I do believe my daughter would like to have her mother involved if she wasn’t crazy.