First and foremost, I appreciate everyone's prayers and suggestions. This has been a very difficult time and it's been even harder not having a community. I'm so thankful to have found community here. Thank you.
For reference, this is in regards to this post: https://greatawakening.win/p/17t1fU9bUd/please-say-some-prayers-for-me-a/c/
Some people said I should snoop on her phone and see if I can get to the bottom of what's going on.
She left the house today and left her phone. Pretty bizarre that she did that. She never does that. Where'd she go? Who knows. I didn't ask. She was gone about two hours - honestly - I don't care and asking just shows clinginess. Going to cheat? I don't know. Saw that on our cameras she was wearing a bathing suit, so probably going to the beach. Though oddly enough there wasn't a speck of sand in the car. Hm.
Anyway, I actually feel like she left her phone as a test to see if I'd go on it (once you unlock it, the notifications disappear, so it's obvious someone was using it). She left it sitting right on the kitchen table. She knew I had my lunch break coming up and probably figured I'd try. Or maybe she just sincerely forgot her phone, who knows. I tapped it once - several notifications, but nothing that alarmed me. I didn't unlock the phone. Instead, I went and grabbed her computer. Messages are not linked up. Weird. But photos from her phone are synced.
What did I find?
Well, to elaborate on something ya'll dont know, her ex-husband passed away several years ago (4+ years ago now). I was there for her during this. It was really hard on her and, to be honest, it was really hard on me, but in a different way. Not trying to sound narcissistic, it was just really weird and difficult to watch your spouse of over a decade mourn the loss of her ex and have to comfort her over that. I did my best and went through it with love. It wouldn't have felt so weird if it didn't last so long - maybe a few weeks? She spent nearly a few months crying - every day was just straight miserable. We still have some of his belongings here in our house, alongside some of his ashes. It's weird.
Well, lo and behold, I see all these saved photos to her phone. Like each and every one saved every few days, every few weeks, over the last several months. All photos of him, photos of him and her together, variety of things that were all screengrabs from Facebook. Old comments on his facebook page from random people that say "We miss you", etc. Odd because we share a facebook account and I don't see that in the Facebook history log - guess she deleted it.
So this is weird. Maybe she's still in some kind of weird denial that she shouldn't have married me, should have stayed with him? I dont know. Note: I am not a 'homewrecker' - they were divorced for two years before we met. And in fact, what's weird as absolute hell, is she told me when we met the exact following quote: "He was such a terrible person - when we separated, I never went back. Not once. I never once went back." And I did see over the years just how he was with his outbursts and abuse. She loathed him while he was alive. Now that he's gone, he's a hero.
What are ya'lls thoughts on this? This is extremely unhealthy.
I've taken a lot of time to reflect. Here's what I've figured out that I need to be doing, at least for myself right now.
-Time to man up -Bought several books on masculinity -Bought some dumbbells for the house -Signed up for a gym membership -Read some articles and watched some videos on posture - going to stop carrying myself with a slouch and start being proud of who I am.
Time to present myself as a man and not be whiney about all this. We'll see what happens.
With ya'lls prayers, I can say that it has definitely helped my strength. A few days ago I felt like I was at the end. Like literally just the complete end of it all. Today, even with the above mentioned things, I felt a sense of strength. And, honestly, hope.
Thank you everyone.
Man up is a good idea.
I was going to suggest it, but didn't want to be rude,at a difficult time.
my now ex wife constantly compared me to her dead husband. she was a closet psycho. there were warning signs i ignored. one of these days ill tell ya about it if ya like.
sounds like yours is having a crippling bout of nostalgia. be grateful she is not bat-shit crazy
I'm in agreement with the nostalgia. Often times people are mourning "what could have been" and not what actually happened.
And do just like she did, leave the house without telling her where you are going and stay for a long time. Make sure you're dressed to the nines as if you have a date. Take your phone with you. Come home with a BIG smile on your face and act as if life is the BEST it's ever been. Talk to her as if you are the happiest you've been in a long time. Do this once a week for about a month and then on the next weekday, leave your phone and see if she goes through it. If she does, then she is getting that 'wonder who he's seeing' conscience and perhaps is feeling as if she is losing you. It's that 'a woman always wants what she knows she can't have' feeling. I believe she will come around as I feel she is caught up in dealing with her exes loss rather than focusing on what she has standing right in front of her.
She should have dealt with having left him when she left him OR did he leave her? But I suppose that with his death, it was a blow that now she must face. Eventually, she will have to come back to the world of the living and her mourning process should then be over. Don't suggest to her to see a psychiatrist as she will then know you have been snooping through her personal things although you have every right. When the time is right and she works through this loss, she will come to you I believe. I will be praying for you as God does not like to see people divorce. It is not part of his plan. God bless and good luck.
this!! Us women know what you need to do to get her attention.
Amen. We wouldn't stir you wrong.
Caveat: I know nothing other than what you wrote above. I am going solely with my gut on how I am feeling from reading it.
No offence, but don't do any of this. Your wife has made it clear she is no longer in love with you - anything you do now to try and sway her back to you will only drive the wedge further. Trust me, I've seen this a thousand times.
I have a strong feeling your wife got with you in order to help herself get over her EX. Without knowing how long they were together, the death of a former spouse can very well trigger a depression in people - even if they've been done for years.
Your wife's feelings for you were actually a misconception in her mind that she had real feelings for you, whereas in reality, it was a way to mask her grieving the loss of her former relationship.
Let me ask you some questions :
Did your wife grow up without a father? What's her mother's personality like? Her phone, is it pass worded?
Possible you married a narcissist. A narc will do exactly this when you stop feeding their ego. Most of the time this comes from straight up boredom. See, regular life is boring for a toxic person - they need constant adoration and believe infatuation is actually what love is.
Over the course of time, infatuation becomes regular love. To a toxic person, when this happens, they feel you have betrayed them or you stopped loving them. They then have to turn it around so it's your fault
You don't just 'fall out of love' with someone unless they are horribly abusing to you - and even THAT doesn't make some people stop loving someone.
The fact she has all these pics of her and her ex could simply mean she never got over him and now that he's gone, she's realized there will never be a reconciliation with him.
Very sorry to tell you this, but it very much seems like your were a emotional filler for your wife. She was able to keep up appearances simply because the idea that her and her EX might get back together ; that hope would keep her going and provide a 'happiness' that others believe she feels for her current life - it's for the life she wants.
Another piece of advice to anyone here who wants it. Do NOT ever, ever get involved with someone who is still attached to their EX ; especially if they were / are married. They have a history you only have one version of - the version the person you're seeing wants you to believe. You will A L W A Y S get hurt if you get involved with someone fresh from a long term relationship or someone who is grieving the death of a former spouse.
sorry for the book, I've lived this ( somewhat ) and see it with many people I know.
Your best advice my friend, is to leave. You can not save anything at this point except your own sanity. This is a major reason why so many men kill themselves - they stay stuck trying to figure it out. You'll never figure it out, friend. You can't control what anyone else does, or how people feel about you. Remember though : the way people feel about you and treat you is actually self reflection - hard not to , but don't take it personal. It's THEIR mental / emotional problem to figure out, not yours.
Be good and true to yourself and leave. Fuck the house, the car, all the shit you own ; get yourself away or this WILL go very, very bad for you emotionally and mentally and you'll never be able to get out of it.
You don't want to be one of the 85% friend.
Your user name gives me nightmares. But your advice is SOLID. OP, please heed this man’s advice! Focus on yourself. Build your empire. And once you learn to identify quality women, you will find them in abundance.
I thank you, I always strive to help others if I feel I have valid input. I watched my marriage dissolve and my wife change into something very similar to some of the behaviour the OP's wife has shown.
The user name yea lol. That's so folks know right away I'm awake :)
Because I've tried this method and she literally told me "leave me along and stop being so clingy! You're so clingy all the time! Give me space!" Sooo attempting it again I figured I'd get the same response.
I see. It sounds like she has emotionally 'checked out'. This may be temporary or permanent. If, as you've mentioned, you both have had a number of family members or loved ones die in a short time, this can mess with a person's sense of security and heirarchy, changing oneself from being 'OK' with normal trials and tribulations into suddenly feeling rudderless in the sea with no clear direction or idea what comes next.
If she has fallen into an apathetic or possibly private hysterical depression, i.e., she has her emotional crying and outbursts away from you when she is out for a walk or alone at home, this may be her way of processing her current unhappy situation.
If so, she may exist in a hollow state of emptiness as a means of coping. Her lack of willingness to communicate any further must be terrible. I feel for you.
Is there a family member or friend you can move in with for a time (paying rent of course) who can give you and your daughter shelter and also emotional support while lessoning your financial demands? Your financial distress is quite debilitating all by itself and must be remedied. You must also seek a trusted person who can allow you to share your worries and be supportive without being judgmental.
Your idea of improving yourself meanwhile, is correct thinking. Weight lifting, especially bench presses and squats has been clinically proven to increase testosterone in males. Lifting weights is more than just obtaining larger muscles. It increases your attractive masculine looks, increases your virility and allows you to see the strong, confident man that is hiding beneath, while actually making you a strong man in reality.
Also, take a good look at yourself. Could a better haircut or grooming method be in order? Can you get some natural sunlight to increase your vitamin D3 (sunbathe without sunscreen) to improve your health and also give your face/body some vivacity and color? You will look and feel better.
I will send prayers your way. I wish I had something more to offer you.
You said it perfectly at the end, get your ass to the gym and start pumping. You need to focus on your physical , mental, and spiritual health right now… all else takes second place
Sounds like she is mourning. During this time you can work on what you already mentioned. It is a choice to be happy. Decide you are personally going to be happy regardless of her working slowly through all of this. Find simple joys throughout your day. It is a good practice for life in general. She will eventually heal and your personal growth and stability will be inspirational to her as well. These are my best and happiest wishes for both of you. Just keep going.
Much appreciated
Id be honest. Id tell her I am there for her and will do anything to help her but that I need to know what the problem is first. Id tell her that her recent behavior is driving a wedge between you and that is something you dont want to happen. Id ask her if she still loves you. Id ask her if she is seeing someone else.
And getting your own shit together is always a good idea. Physical improvement leads to mental and spiritual improvement.
One more thing. No matter how you feel, no recriminations. Dont add fuel to a fire. Take it all in a stoic manner. Be the bigger person. For you if not for her.
She claims she does still love me but that she's not "in love" with me. At which point I'm often like well, love doesn't hurt, and all this stuff is hurtful. So it's hard to comprehend. I did ask her about affairs - she said no, that she would never do that.
Completely agree on not adding fuel - I am already a very stoic person by nature. I don't get rattled easily and find myself very calm under stress.
Too much drama. Go build your life, whatever you see that to be. You can't fix her, so fix yourself. Don't try to "fix your marriage". For now, don't do anything except your basic responsibilities that affect you directly. Leave "her stuff" pile up and don't fix her problems. You don't have to be unkind, just stop trying to be helpful. You have to learn how to walk alone and make that journey work for you because it's clear she's not united with you. Paranoia and begging are expressions of fear and helplessness. You are not helpless. Go accomplish something, alone. Practice your version of "if you don't want to be here with me, then leave and go be happy". Say it out loud and mean it. You should be in the attitude that your life is moving on with or without her. A strong marriage is not created from 2 whiney and clingy people. Resolve in Jesus Christ to better your own life and future. He can fix you, if you want. Jesus can fix her, if she wants. She'll come along with you, or not. Either way is ok.
He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
Time has a way of wearing off the corners of bad memories and everyone mourns differently. Some get over a death in a short period of time, and for others it takes much longer.
Perhaps your wife is mourning what could have been with her ex, but never was. There's a lot of old baggage for her to unpack and rummage through.
Time to move on. File for the divorce and get on with your life. I have seen women like that. They play on your emotions wanting you to feel sorry for them so they can manipulate you. You don't have a marriage and from what you said, you have had more of a caretaker relationship. Ask God to send someone into your life that can be a help. My x-wife--years ago---started going to "movies" with some of her co-workers---yeah right!!!
Divorce. Bankruptcy. Move on with no debt. Clean start the law allows for.
I suggest the carnivore diet. Reset your immune system and build muscle easier. I am about 6 months in and already see a huge difference! I have abs again! Plus a lot of people see all kinds of healing for general autoimmune issues. Mental focus and clarity, less stress. (This could be a big one for you right now)
Keep us posted.
She sounds crazy. If my wife was crying and mourning that her ex husband from a decade ago died for a month and was treating me bad and fucking around with pictures of the guy and shit, I’d be planning a two week trip with a buddy into the mountains to fly fish. Upon my return if it wasn’t apparent I was heavily missed and shit wasn’t back to normal, I’d be talking separation/divorce.
That's really interesting and thank you for sharing. Perhaps she has some guilt issue and sometimes present life is too stressful she is mentally escaping. Like I said in your previous post, the devil likes to test and push through people when they're spiritually weak and their partner is trying to build up his faith. Just be aware of it.
I'll keep praying for you both and hope things work out for the best.
This really interesting. Because during this time I am drawing closer and closer to God and, as I get closer, I feel like I come across more problems. Definitely the devil, I agree. Just wish I could get her to see that.
I have the same experience, we just gotta get over the hump and devil will get bored and leave. Also, please try to refrain yourself from revenge even if it's your 1st instinct. I always did that and God showed me how to surrender and not use our wits and minds for such things, instead let go and let things unfold and witness His working in your life. I find when I do that the unexpected and the good happens without my own doing.
Exodus 14:14 The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”
What helped me the most is memorizing these verses (Matthew 4 and Psalm 23)
Matthew 4: Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
Jesus answered,** “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. ** Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple.“If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:Jesus answered him,** “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.**
Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”
Jesus said to him,** “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.**
Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
And this short simple verse: Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
I agree manning up is good. and also suggest praying together and seeking guidance from Jesus together. You can tell her I don't know what you're going through but how about we try something new like praying our father in heaven together before breakfast or dinner and maybe a simple short prayer." I believe Jesus will do the rest for you.
Just remember, we all must take our own personal journey with God, her included, it cannot be forced and should never be shamed but, encouraged without demands. Same goes for those addicted to drugs/alcohol really, it has to come from within them to want to suck in that deep breath and bravely move forward to recovery. We all should stive to live our best lives for ourselves of ourselves and doing so without leaving a trail of regrets in the past when dealing with others, they are doing the same. We can speak our words, same as God can speak his but, it is up to each and every one of us to accept and understand at our own pace. Glad you were able to break out of your mind fuck loop and regain a lil balance out there.
A man is stern in his convictions his lover/mate and his beliefs ,your pussy footing around with your heart and she as well ,a house divided will not stand ,and what's the purpose,it's like the old saying ,"YOUR EITHER WITH ME OR YOU AINT ",and its really that simple ,and no you don't need marriage counseling ,build a man cave out back and let her watch hallmarks,life's to short for all this Drama.