What biking advice do you have?
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How rusty is too rusty? Does a rusted-all-to-hell bike deter the bike thieves? Is it actually a positive?
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How do you keep your balls from jiggling around? My left nut is about double the size of a normal testicle because it was undescended as a kid and I had to get it plucked out like an in-grown tooth. In other words, I'm not a fan of jock-straps.
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Are elbow and knee pads worth the discomfort and sweat-rash?
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Do those hoards of bicyclists actually go into the woods to have big-gay orgies? I've had a family friend confirm his relative does that, mind you.
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How do you manage to not look gay riding a bicycle? I'm never wearing one of those "sponsored" tight-fitting bike uniforms. I'm not Lance Armstrong, and even if I was he's still a faggy cheater.
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I got a stream-lined backpack for emergency water. Should I bring a gun with me for "other" emergencies?
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Are scooters gay? Are skateboards still cool? Which does the least harm to your lower back?
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I always move off to the side and let cars pass. Is this safer or more dangerous? I don't wanna be a jerk and force someone to pass me when I'm the one going 5-10 miles an hour and they gotta take a shit really bad.
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Does biking help reduce belly-fat? I don't drink, but I've had a beer-belly since 8th grade. I'm not fat, I can lift a whole fridge, except I look pregnant. Will biking help me shed the midriff?
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Since sun-screen is known to be carcinogenic (likely on purpose) what's the over-under on alternatives? I have some methylene blue which is used in super-expensive sun-screens that don't have asbestos in them, but I don't wanna risk dying my skin blue.
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My head gets really itchy from the helmet. Is a shaved head better or worse? How do you manage the itching in that bastard?
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Seriously, though. Do bicyclists have gay orgies in the woods? They always creep me out because I live out in the boonies. I don't wanna wake up and find out they sniffed my bike out and are humping around it like a pack of jack rabbits in heat. Is there an anti-gay-orgy-bicyclist repellent I can spray around my shed?
1. How rusty is too rusty?
If the wheels/crank/handlebars don't spin, or it can't hold you up without breaking, it's too rusty.
2. How do you keep your balls from jiggling around?
Hire a hooker to hold them for you while riding. Get a banana seat for her (or for your balls, depending on how flush you are with cash and/or how "big" the problem is).
3. Are elbow and knee pads worth the discomfort and sweat-rash?
If you fall off your bike and scrape your knee/elbow, you will learn better how to not fall off your bike (or roll with the fall). This also protects your head (see below), because you "learn your lesson" about falling off your bike.
Bumps, scrapes, and bruises are what non-crazy parents call "lessons."
4. Do those hoards of bicyclists actually go into the woods to have big-gay orgies?
Yes.
5. How do you manage to not look gay riding a bicycle?
What would be the point of "not looking gay" if you're just riding around looking for a big-gay orgy in the woods?
6. Should I bring a gun with me for "other" emergencies?
Choose one:
7. Are scooters gay?
I have seen scooters fucking each other before, but I'm not sure that all scooters do that.
8. Are skateboards still cool?
Only if you store it in the spare fridge.
9. Which does the least harm to your lower back?
It depends on if your particular scooter is gay or not.
10. Does biking help reduce belly-fat?
It depends on how much of your riding time is spent at the orgy.
11. Since sun-screen is known to be carcinogenic (likely on purpose) what's the over-under on alternatives?
That's actually a really good question.
12. My head gets really itchy from the helmet.
Don't wear a helmet. The odds of one actually protecting you are on the order of being hit by lightning. It's like a mask for covid. It's not impossible for it to protect you, but the data suggests you are making yourself look like an idiot for nothing. If you do happen to fall off your bike or get hit by a car see (3) above.
13. Is there an anti-gay-orgy-bicyclist repellent I can spray around my shed?
Animals use their piss to keep gay-orgy-bicyclists away from their territory. Maybe try that?
This should be it's own thread. Really good advice that nobody else is giving out.
Hit the first sentence of item 2 and busted out loud laughing while on the shitter. Fortunately my wife was downstairs and didn’t hear.
Amazingly detailed pertinent important advice and agree this should be its own thread
🤣
In celebration of Pride Month, remove the seat..ENJOY THE RIDE!
Depends, could be a target depending on where you live...
Fortunately all us useless eaters can't afford to drive either so your odds of getting hit by a car goes way down. Only the rich like Paul Pelosi will be driving so I'm sure you'll be safe.
Yes, bicycles as well as mopeds are going to see a boost in sales this year.
Get a Honda 50cc moped (150cc if you're feeling frisky) or similar, and you'll not spend more than $50 a month in gas, even at today's ridiculous prices.
Good advice.
Looks like I was right to get fingerless weight-lifting gloves then. I get blisters from gripping the handlebars too tight, but you're right on about the gravel now that I think about it. Fingerless gloves would help with the pulling of triggers too, aye?
I've been bicyle commuting to work for decades, I've broke bones, on two occasions, needed stitches on another, all from hitting stationary items. Never been overtaken by fags.
Before you start your bike ride, don’t go on social media and claim you have information that could indict the Clintons.
With so many questions it's hard to know which ones you care about. Bike safety depends a lot on where you live. Type of roads and type of culture. Consider a recumbent for the comfort stuff. Some are low to the ground and hard for cars to see, but others are high like regular bikes, normal except for the seat which can look like a webbed lawn chair. They work different muscles than traditional bikes, lots of people say they're better for your back. Maintaining a bicycle is easy. Make sure the brakes work, clean and lube the rest, tighten it down. I like a handlebar-mounted rearview mirror. If you have doubts about the bike's safety, most local bike shops are staffed with nice people. A well-tuned bike is more fun than a squeaky one.
Lots of head hair makes helmets more comfortable. If that's not an option, go for the George Washington wig--- they're coming back in style now. In my state bicycle helmets are not required for adults; probably not in yours either. I hate them. Electric bikes are awesome, but way heavier than normal bikes and harder to transport if you're not riding it. Changing or fixing a tire is horrible if the motor is in the wheel: a mid-drive is superior in all criteria.
Scooters are awesome. A 650cc Kymco or BMW, Tmax or Burgman will do better than 80 comfortably on the freeway, and all will fit a few bags of groceries under the seat. Smaller scooters vary a lot, just be sure you are comfortable with whatever you get. I wouldn't get anything smaller than a pcx, but that's just me. Vespas, despite some improvement attempts, are still gay.
The one I went to, I can confirm, had reasonable people there.
This is the type of scooter I was talking about:
https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71xFU6NoySL.AC_SL1500.jpg
Those are dangerous. There's actually a ton of injuries on those. If that's what you're thinking, go for one of these with big wheels: https://pin.it/3xdfCJw Add an electric motor, you'll feel like a kid again. Fun.
You need wierd spiked shoes that sort of match but really serve any purpose, but hey at least when you clack around people will know you are gay....i mean ride a bike.
You can also get some random tight shirt to hold in your man( or lady) boobs so you can look snazzy and be more aerodynamic (sort of) while looking gay.
You can get a pair of tight pants that arent really shorts and arent really pants but are super tight and crush your nuts while you ride, but at least your ass will be accentuated for the guy riding behind you to appreciate.
You can also ride 3 or 4 across at half the speed of traffic and get pissed when cars come up behind you and cant safely pass while you obliviously block the road while discussing your next orgy with the fellas on saturday night at blazing saddles.
Get a beach cruiser with a tumbler holder on handle bars, fill said drink cup with your favorite beverage, put sunglasses on, turn on your Bluetooth speaker and ride every where. That’s how we do it on coast. Don’t care how we look. Just enjoying sunshine and day. We ride to grocery store, restaurants, for fun, to do errands. Use car as little as possible.
Bluetooth doesn't work around me. It always literally fails to connect if I'm anywhere near them. Not sure if it's luck, I'm magnetically charged to destroy them, or they just sound like ass in general.
Besides, listening to music when you're supposed to be hearing for traffic sounds like a suicide pact. With a helmet on and the music blasting, can you even hear a sedan sneaking up on you?
You can always put a mirror on your handlebars. People aren't necessarily trying to kill you with their car it presents a massive liability to them. Plus music can function as a continuous less-cheesy bell if you're on mixed pedestrian paths. And it's just a nice aesthetic
Handgun.
My guy if you’re otherwise healthy, you might want to get your hormones either checked or assume you have too much Cortisol hanging out in your system… Lower stress, magnesium, think about gut health, make sure you’re getting the nutrition your body is wanting one way or another.
Similar thing happened to my dad, and he’s a crazy active dude. You know, welder/manager/repair type of guy who then goes and works on cars for fun. He maybe could have ate a little better, but he put on a gut during a couple extra stressful years that frankly just didn’t make sense with his calories in vs his calories out. I think he’s trying keto next to see if running on ketones will chip away at that stubborn fat.
I've quit using sunscreen altogether, and mind you, I live in the desert southwest and do 10-12 hours of yardwork every weekend, and I never get burned (but get plenty of vitamin D). Over my tank top or whatever, I wear a very lightweight long-sleeve BREATHABLE cotton button-up shirt, but I leave it unbuttoned. It does not make me feel hotter and protects me from burning. Plus, I wear one of those brimmed hats that has the neck hangie-downie thing in the back to keep face and neck from burning...of course you can't wear one of those on a bike....
The game is Be Seen or Be Killed. Ride Loud, wear something bright, like a reflective vest. It's not dorky to arrive intact.
Everything I've chosen to wear color-clashes like a Soulcalibur created character dressed up like they're headed to a rave bar.
Neon blue gloves, neon yellow hat, neon orange backpack, shockingly rusty bike, and a general countenance of "what the fuck am I even doing?!"
That gives me some ideas. Thanks!
I don't know the precise reason why, or the actual statistics, but here in Florida, you're taking your life in your hands riding a bike on public roads. I know that there are a large number of drunk drivers here, both day and night. Might be worth checking your state's stats on bicycle deaths before venturing too far.
I appreciate your humor, by the way!
To protect yourself, think about packing.
Watch out for vehicles driven by masked drivers. If you can manage that, it should be fairly safe.
Are you at risk of falling asleep while riding?
Serious question. I'm epileptic btw, although it's well controlled.
Kinda.
The other day I smelt strawberries in the air, not unlike strawberry poptarts right out of the toaster.
My legs turned off to the nostalgic emotion right in the parking lot outside the bike store.
Kept happening back-to-back. It was a bad attack. Fractions of a second at a time, but disorienting nonetheless.
As long as the bike lets me coast, my legs literally turning off shouldn't be a problem. There's no sensation the legs. They just lose all nerve input for a brief moment and all muscle tone just evaporates.
Honestly, it's probably more dangerous for me to walk than to bike or even drive, as the legs and a brief loss of depth perception are the only thing affected. If I'm coasting and performing a repetitive action, I'm fine.
When I was having seizures generally, walking was very hard in certain light conditions such as when walking past railing or foliage or when the sunlight was wrong. The body has a lot of calculations to do when walking and seeing at the same time. The field of view is wide as well so my visual cortex is overloaded. I didn't have a driving licence at the time, but paradoxically, I'd have been safer driving because I wouldn't have been working so hard to coordinate my movements and the changing field of view is reduced to the windscreen area. My conclusion was that driving is easier than walking neurologically and also that I'm brain damaged. The seizures are completely controlled now, but I'm always going to have visual stress, that is, snowy noisy vision.
Anyway, be safe fren!
I can absolutely relate. I have to wear a hat in grocery stores, otherwise I go into panic attacks trying to deconstruct how all the packaging designs were made graphically.
Overhead lights also bother the hell out of me. I can absolutely not stand a light behind a ceiling fan, producing a strobe effect. I basically turn into a zombie only able to answer yes/no questions.
I don't think you're alone in those symptoms. I trace my narcolepsy back to the 2006 Meningitis vaccine. I was out sick for 3 months afterwards, and they said I had mononucleosis. I got an Epstein-Bar test a couple years back. I never had mono, but a monospot test came back positive... Menveo was the likely culprit.
https://www.schmidtlaw.com/meningitis-vaccine-lawsuit/
You sound just like me. My seizures were mostly in shops with shelves with repeating patterns on and shiny floors, Fluorescent lighting gives me trouble, I avoid it unless the bulb drivers are high frequency electronic ones. I've gos a cool old circular fluorescent light fitting in the house, but it was like kryptonite to me until I fitted a high frequency driver.
I had similar confusion in shops to you and inability to think, but sometimes it turned to head nodding, then body shaking, then full tonic clonic seizure for a few minutes with biting of my tongue and not enough breathing. It's a bad experience and you get kidnapped by ambulances.
I think I've had this all my life, but it could have been vax damage when I was a baby. The seizures started when I was 29, apart from one isolated one when I was 20.
It sucks doesn't it! your narcolepsy and sudden cataplexy sound very hard work.
Yup. Straight hallways with the fluorescent light bulbs parallaxing in the shiny floor while I walk is one of my triggers.
During my sleep spells I lose autonomic breathing. I have to force myself to breathe. I go into a fever dream, a state between being awake and being asleep, where it's fair to say I start hallucinating.
Never had to get nabbed by an ambulance, though, so I can't say I've had it as bad as you.
It very much does. The worst part is people not believing how bad it is. In reality, since I cannot remember a time I never felt sleepy, I can't say I really know how bad it is either, considering I have no basis for comparison.
The worst of my problems are behind me now. 100 - 150 mg of lamotrigine stops my seizures. I haven't had one in years.
Knowing you can't rely on staying conscious is hard. I really do know how you feel.
It may be related to your neurology that you are very gifted at making connections with symbolism. and for that I'm sure I'm not alone in being very grateful for your contributions to GAW.
Glad to have you here too, fren!
I drive at night a lot,coming home from work. Do not leave the house at night without a bright t-shirt or at least a hi-viz belt. That's also true with walking,I've seen many an invisible pedestrian..... they are extremely hard to see.
I picked up a tire patch kit in case I need to ride my bike.....
I don't plan on riding at night. I'm not coordinated enough to ride in the dark anyways.
Tire patch kit sounds like a solid idea. When rubber is growing rust on it, that probably means they're not gonna last much longer...
Also wouldn't hurt to put some oil on the chain and cables.
Zinc oxide as sunscreen. Crunchy moms make their own sunscreen. Pretty sure there are recipes online. I think Sunbum brand is a clean sunscreen
Riding doesn't help with belly fat. Most bike thefts are for resale, so rust helps.
Skateboards will always be cool. But if you never skated learn to fall because you will.
Wear a bomb vest with bright red flares for dynamite sticks. People will avoid you like the plague. No worries about gay orgies, no one with think you are gay. Won't need the helmet or elbow pads, no one expects a suicide bomber to wear protective gear. Spandex shorts solve the testicle problem and completes the lunatic ensemble. You won't need the gun and you won't want one on your person when the police want to have a chat. As far as sunscreen, wear a sombrero, shade beats sunscreen with titanium dioxide.
Did you ever ride a bike as a kid?
Helmet? Queer orgies? Damn dood or doodette (because wimmins can haz testicles), just DAMN.
No 'you' don't need a gun.
Yeah, a bit.
Stopped riding when I saw a man with his blue balls dangling while staring at us behind a screen door. Gave me the indication that people in my area are some sick fuckers.
Also, when my brother stopped riding or doing anything physical in favor of video games it played a huge role in deterring me from riding all alone. I live out near old, creepy retirees so there weren't any neighborhood kids who wanted to do stuff together.
Seriously though, any time I've tried to do something physical, balls end up in my face. Some fleshy, others big orange ones that break my glasses. I've got incredibly bad luck when it comes to sports. It's not a matter of bullying, just a matter of me having a gravitational pull for everything to go wrong.
I haven't broken any bones, though, so I'm thankful for that.
What I lack in physical aptitude I made up for in drawing ability, computer literacy, writing, and knowing more fun-facts about the world than anyone else I know -- to the point of a divine loneliness, mind you.
That bike will be stolen in the next month. Bikes were pretty high up on the stolen list back when gas was cheap.
Since the thing looks like a death-trap, I'm not so sure they'll pick mine to steal. If I pat the thing, a cloud of rust wafts off of it.
LOL.
Good luck. Defense.