100% agree, get into some masculine hobbies like weights and martial arts. Try Brazilian Ju Jitsu or Muay Thai. These arts are hard AF. Communities are super supportive.
Get in classes or groups. The growth you will experience surrounded by (already masculine, strong) men will accelerate your progress more than you know. These communities are very supportive and accepting, don’t be scared! Get your ass in there
Think about how strong you are. You endured a lifetime of someone trying to make you something you are not. You have resisted and can talk about it. Give yourself credit, that takes strength.
Childhood programming can be difficult to break. I know that because until I was in my mid 40s I believed that what my parents told me about me was true, except none of it was, nor ever has been. Their perceptions about me were all based on how they felt about me, not on who I am. I don't remember how it happened, but at some point I realized that even as an adult they continued to view me the way they'd defined me as a child, and that's when I realized how wrong they are about me.
I'm telling you all this to let you know that in some way I've been through what you have and to suggest you that, because what we focus on is what we get, you shift your focus away from what your mother did to what you want to be. Examine what masculinity means to you and how you want to express it, then do that.
What you say is accurate, about how some parents try to define us in ways that go against our true nature. I've been trying to break away from all that crappy childhood programming over the past couple years.
Sometimes it sort of feels like playing whack-a-mole. You think you've found and addressed all the ways those things affected you and then, lo and behold, another one rears its ugly head. Keep at it and eventually you'll find and rid yourself of all of them.
This may help you: I figured out that the ways my parents mislabeled me was all based on how my actions caused them to feel. I tended to blurt out truths they didn't want to hear/see, which isn't a bad thing, but it made them uncomfortable, so they labeled me in terms of the discomfort they felt. Realizing that helped me to understand all the mislabels, to recognize how they affected me, and to find ways out of that mess. Understanding how pathetic their behavior was helped me to let go of any angst toward them.
Go through a step-by-step process of reversing what she did.
She used eye liner, ear piercings, etc... to transform and condition you.
So start lifting weights, eating meat, practicing martial arts to condition yourself to be a man.
It will work.
Ultimately you are spiking your testosterone and learning how to express it. You are going through a biological and chemical shift, so take it easy at first as your body adjusts.
One step at a time. Two steps forward, one step back it's fine, that's still an upward trajectory, so don't beat yourself up. Set expectations. Don't expect to do everything all at once. Will take a bit but you'll feel so much better.
You've already won the battle by realizing that she did that to you and it is in no way your fault that you couldn't express masculinity. Now, it's time to heal by killing that inner hurt child and flourishing as a child of God. Listen to the holy spirit and you can be guided to be who you were always meant to be. That experience will also help to shape you into who you were always meant to be. Use the experience to grow and become the strongest that you've ever been.
Personally in my opinion if a person’s parents didn’t treat them right I don’t understand why society expects the child to care for the parents. It’s an unending cycle of mental abuse of guilt that then causes other types of pain for future generations.
Please see my story. You aren’t obligated to feel anything to your parents. If you desire to have a relationship that’s ok. I encourage you to forgive, not for her, but for you! Forgiveness will help you heal. You don’t have to forget!!! Honestly I don’t we should ever forget what people do to us. We should keep our guard up. People that have been through life’s 💩 get a thick skin & it helps be tough. It can also make us vulnerable. It’s very hard to trust.
I’m so proud of you. You have a risen above what she tried to do to you. You already know who you are. In fact you probably knew way back then when you were young what she was doing was wrong. Sometimes we are blessed with earthly angels that we aren’t even aware of. I’m not trying to get religious. I know my grandparents were looking after me. You might have had people looking after you.
If you feel like it write down your feelings in a journal. If you need to burn it afterwards for your security do it.
Blessings to you & take care.
I’m speaking from experience. My brother was my moms favorite & I always felt like something was off between me & my mom. We never got along. When I was a teenager she accused me of pushing me away. My dad drank bad, but always worked, that didn’t help matters.
When I was an adult looking at pics & remembering little things. I was my dad’s favorite & my brother was her favorite. I don’t know why. I know he was possessive from what my grandparents told me. A couple years before my grandma died she said my mom never wanted to have anything to do with me. 💡 I said thanks for confirming!
Then things were happening with my grandma, mama & uncle. 💡 I realized the same things happened with them. My grandparents had favorites also. Thankfully when I had a child I told my husband we would do everything the opposite with her. My husband was raised in such a normal family it’s scary. Bless his heart didn’t know what a dysfunctional was family until he married me.
I read a testimony of a young man who had no role models for manhood and he came across Kipling’s “IF” poem and it changed his life. It taught him what him what he needed and he became the father he never had.
The hairbands had eyeliner and pierced ears and all the groupies. Just saying . . . Bulk up if u are thin. I’ve watched my youngest son who has a genetic crippling disease build muscle over the last year. If he can do it u can too. But do move on. There is no gain in living in the past. Someone will love u for who u are. But u have to start with yourself. Realize u are not to blame. Hand it over to God and get on with your life. We have too much other we must fight against than to fight a past which we cannot change.
Yeah maybe the eyeliner isn't the most pressing thing in the world, but besides the superficial shit like that, she definitely did raise me in a highly emasculating way.
Grow your beard and pubes for a while. Eat a carnivorous diet. Exercise. Not Richard Simmons exercise, but manly activity. And my biggest suggestion would be to go camping for a weekend at least, if not a full week. Not like in a RV. Just you, a tent, a sleeping bag/air mattress, tools like axes to cut firewood, and some foods and drinks. Learn to gut and clean a fish so you can cook it over a fire that you started yourself. This is how I grew up. There is nothing more manly than sitting by a fire with the sound of the wilderness around you, eating a fish that you caught, cut into fillets, and cooked.
He pretty much just let it happen. He wasn't aware of the consequences of how my mother was shaping me. He's not what I'd call super masculine himself.
my advice? start hittin the gym more often, being strong and in good shape is like the epitomy of masculinity.
people treat you better, women want to be with you, and you can be as feminine/masculine in personality as much as you want. why? cuz u got the muscle to back it up!
Also, learn skills That men have in every day life. Learn to work on your own car, or at least the basics. Changing tires, changing the oil, spark plugs, etc. You could go even further and learn to replace basic parts like alternators and starters. Constructing things with wood and power tools would also help. Doesn’t have to be elaborate or pretty. Just has to have a function lol
What was the matter with your father standing for that? Your mother was a sick person. She should have been happy that you were born healthy, no matter your sex. People like her do not deserve children. I am so sorry you had to go through that trauma.
My father basically doesn't give a shit about me, and he's not the most masculine person either. They're both sick, and they don't deserve children - thank you for getting it.
Cut ties with her. Put up impenetrable boundaries. She doesn't deserve the blessing of having you in her life. Build your own life, one where you raise your children correctly, and don't let her in. She lost the opportunity to be a part of your life.
How are you supposed to live with yourself? Be you! Not whom your mom wanted you to be, not whom society says you should be. Be whom God created you to be. The REAL you. The most masculine thing you can do is be you and make no apologies for it. Kudos to you for being so mentally strong and self aware to make it this far.
Best you can do is forgive your parents and move on. Cut the negativity out of your life. THEN masculinize the shit out of yourself! Lift, hunt, fish, work hard and raise a family. Be the best dad you can ever dream of! And your mothers seething will be hilarious—though you’ll be too much a Chad at that point to care about how she feels lol
Now you know what it looks like and how it impacted you, look for opportunities to use this understanding to help others.
If you need some older guys to learn from, join a BSF group https://www.bsfinternational.org/ and go play bingo with your local veterans groups. The older dudes need and want younger guys in their life too. And you can learn masculinity from them pretty fast if you feel like you’ve been short changed.
instead of focusing on how your mom tried to feminize you, cause you can't change that, focus on becoming a man. that is a journey every man must take, whether he has great parents or not.
Jordan Peterson or Jocko Willink might help show you the way.
Watch gay dudes' mannerisms on TV and try not to act like them. I'm not trying to be a smart alec but they usually have feminine hands gestures, the way they stand, speak, etc. that sets off people's gaydar.
Honestly this is good advice, this is already something I watch out for in other guys all the time subconsciously, and tell myself "thank goodness I'm not that bad." (Maybe I'm being judgmental here - wonder if any women can share their thoughts on the whole feminine mannerism thing?) Most guys in my city have feminine mannerisms and gestures. Something about city living will do that to you it seems.
I'm glad you saw the suggestion the way I meant it. Stay strong and don't eat any of that fake meat substitute they're pushing so hard...it's full of estrogen!
I didn't know we were against talking bad about one's own parents, seriously. When you have parents that are abusive, you have every right to speak how you want. I wasn't abused so I cannot relate and I'm sorry you were raised like this.
I have to disagree! I know of many gay men with great beards. Even cross dressers have beards. Some men just can’t grow facial hair & that’s genetic. I’m a woman & I don’t look at a man with a beard or mustache to decide if he’s a man.
To me a real man is there for the people in his life. If he can’t do the job himself he makes sure it’s done by someone who can. If the man is a father he’s always there for the children until he leaves this earth.
I was once asked by a male co worker why women were attracted to guys that drove pick up trucks, wore jeans, rough around the edges, “red necks”, country boys, cowboys, etc (they do come in all races)
I said because a woman knows she will always be taken care of. Most likely f those men know how to fix anything. They will stand up to anyone to defend their woman, mother & children. They don’t care about impressing strangers. They like the simple life.
(I understand they all don’t fit in this box.)
They are also not competing with their wives to be the "prettiest" or "best dressed". My husband is all man. He is not perfect...luckily, I am not perfect either. When we had almost back to back Hurricanes, he came in pretty handy. I had a working generator with air conditioning. I even had running water. I knew that no matter what that together we could survive. A lot of women have been mislead too. Society told them they could have it all and have it all at the same time. You can't. Something suffers.
They are also not competing with their wives to be the "prettiest" or "best dressed"
Yes, this is so true. I've made a conscious effort to not be like that - striving to be the prettiest. I'd imagine that an excessively vain partner would be a huge turnoff to women.
I agree with your points, @moodyblue. You are right, there are a ton of great guys who can't grow facial hair. It's all about the personality. It took me a while to realize this myself.
If the man is a father he’s always there for the children until he leaves this earth.
This is the exact opposite of how my father was, as it turns out.
They don’t care about impressing strangers. They like the simple life.
Again, exact opposite of how my father was unfortunately. I would have preferred a father who didn't care about impressing anybody and just wanted a simple life. Simple = happy, we are not complicated creatures.
I understand! My dad is so complicated! He will do anything for but the strings attached are so big I call them chains. He calls my husband before he calls me because he knows I stand up to him and usually say know to what ever selfish request he has. Unfortunately I live beside him. It’s cheap living & I’m stuck! He’s 78 still works, won’t stay home & excepts me to take care of my mom. I’m not able physically or emotionally. He once told me had over a million in the bank. (Not including what’s in stock investment, 401K) I’ve said over & don’t save your money to leave to me & my brother. Use it take care of him & mom. He’s that selfish & money hungry.
I don’t get on social media on Mother’s or Father’s Day. I’m happy for people that can experience that type of love from their parents. All I feel is guilt. I’m thankful I had I had a roof over my head, clothes, took wonderful trips my entire life till I was 18. I had adventure but I also had a world of uncertainty that lead to me being an alcoholic from 9th grade through age 20. I was on weed from my junior year in high school till I was about 20. The only thing that saved me was finding a man that was the opposite of him!
Yes, my grandparents were there but I lived with my parents & anything out the normal can break a kid.
I believe you have it in you to find your way. I think you are already on your path. I believe that because you are asking questions, seeking questions & you are here. I believe this is a positive place in general. We don’t have to know each other personally to connect.
In your real world surround yourself with like minded people. Learn how to read people. People will be fake!!! You don’t want those people in your life. Be cautious of who you tell you story to. Not that isn’t shameful but people will try to hurt you or they might want to do as your mom did.
If you want a long term relationship & when you are ready. You will know when the right person comes into your life.
I know someone that never dated & meet someone dated for a year got engaged & married a year later. They will be 30 this year. I believe she never meet a person she respected until she meet him.
Your life will come together when it’s supposed to. Our lives are little chapters like a book. It’s forever changing. I’m in my 50s & I’m certainly not the same person I was in my 20s or 30s. Blessings💘
My point was not to say the same types of things posted. I see your point but I know women who feel the opposite about beards. I don’t really concern myself with the gay community so I don’t care what they do. I know some super gay people can grow beards but fact remains they are men. It’s just a physical characteristic but one solely associated with being a man. I agree that having a beard doesn’t make you a man but I stand by the fact that it is only something associated with men.
I understand & I see you point. I didn’t get what you meant at first. I’m glad you told me. Not to imply you weren’t clear. Sometimes I’m a little ditzy!
Everyone is a victim of their upbringing to a certain extent. But at some point, you are responsible for yourself and your destiny. The sooner you embrace 100% responsibility for yourself the better. Don’t give in to the temptation to use your parents as a crutch for what you do with your entire life. Leave that to Redditors who pride themselves on being oppressed and suffering from disabilities. Pride yourself in improvements, accomplishments, and becoming the person that satisfies the reason for your existence
Read the Bible and you’ll read about every characteristic that a man should possess. How to be strong, loving, a provider, morally sound, how to carry yourself etc.
I often say that rebellion in kids often stems from perceived injustice. Kids feel justified rebelling because the authorities are unjust. And they're often right. Parents need to ask themselves if they're to blame for their kids' rebellion. I view your case as child abuse. But, in the words of my dear departed brother, "We got thru it the best we could." For some reason that comforted me. Its like first we have to survive our childhood, only to learn they're still trying to kill us.
All this advice about "healing" via masculine activities? Not every "man" has to go to the gym or do taekwondo to prove it? No, it begins between the ears. You were born a man- the fact that you've endured this abuse to the point of sharing it here on GAW proves such- a fine first step, but somewhere inside you obviously already knew.
My humble advice is, now that you're aware of the abuse, is to be who you are (or wish to be) and learn to embrace yourself. Know that you're mother likely suffered some form of early abuse- at the least misguided or even mentally ill? Forgive her (which usually requires superhuman strength) but, most importantly, forgive yourself for whatever guilt you have carried? Then maybe pursue a hobby which interests you, like say... the pursuit of Truth?
I know people here are vehemently against talking bad about ones' own parents
I'm not. I lived with some awful examples, and I know the fake church has dumbed society down so much that it's all too common to find people defending abusive situations.
I want to smack the shit out of these brain dead people when they tell me "oh, well that's your mom." No dude, when your parents abuse you, like really abuse you, you don't make excuses. You get away from them, just like any other abusive human being.
My mother used people, knowing they would parrot these mindless morals without giving it a second thought. All this so she could keep getting away with abuse. It was always too late when these people woke up and realized that they were lied to.
But I digress, lets look at Ephesians 6:
1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3“that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
4And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord
There's two sides to this agreement. You obey your parents as they raise you to follow the Lord, and they don't provoke you to wrath; against them or God, while doing so.
Now use your best judgement, does your history provoke wrath towards following God's commandments? This is a tricky one, because keep in mind he has a commandment to obey your parents.
So if they do provoke you with abusive situations to mistrust them, then yes, they are provoking you to wrath against the commandment of "Honor your father and mother".
Trust me, absorb that and save yourself the years of counseling.
Thank you, I wholly agree that parents should not be defended when they genuinely suck and are abusive. The type of people you describe who say "they're your parents dude" are the type of commenters I was afraid of getting. There's a double standard here: if you saw somebody on the street who was doing something dumb, like wearing a mask, you might call them out on it, or at least think "wow that person is dumb." However, if I write about my parents doing dumb things, some people will say that my parents should be forgiven.. for no other reason than the fact that they're parents. Double standard. All those vaxxtards that people here hate on.. many of those vaxxtards are parents, who force their kids to get vaccinated.
As for your mother.. I bet the situation you described isn't all that uncommon, where the parent leans on the fact that people in society tend to blindly defend the parent, no matter the abuse that's secretly occurring. I've done a lot of research on abusive parents over the past couple years and have tried seeking support for it online. If it's any reassurance, I want you to know that there are a lot of people out there who see through the tricks that abusive parents have up their sleeves, like your mother seems to have - a lot of people out there who don't blindly defend the parents and realize that covert abuse might be happening within the household.
I've been on reddit to help me through this parental trauma, but I posted here on .win for this particular issue because reddit is of course a leftist propaganda platform. And to anyone who reads this and thinks I'm an undercover redditor trying to break up peoples' relationships with their parents - no, I think that's an absolutely evil thing to do - it's just that shitty parents do really exist, and in great abundance.
Be removed from identities. If you have amnesia, 'you' would still exist, but all your memories and 'identity' would be gone.
Be in control of your memories, then produce self amnesia and decide who you want to be, you don't have to be overly masculine. Retain a little bit of a 'feminine' side to make a well balanced human being.
what is superman without clark kent? super boring.
I think I know what you mean about retaining a bit of the so-called "feminine" side, and I appreciate your comment. For example, having a sense of humor and being able to meme - little things like that which contribute to making someone a normal, likeable person.. as opposed to being that stereotypical, stoic, stone faced, coal mining, whiskey-drinking type man.
Clark Kent being the "nerd", but being a nerd is a wonderful thing and indeed makes Superman look dull and boring. I wouldn't even consider these things "feminine", we just kind of lack the vocabulary to talk about it accurately I guess.
What my mother did on the other hand, I don't think made me a more interesting person in any way - the opposite in fact, just sort of made me her personal doll.
I'm sorry you went through that. I was raised by a feminist mom and with two older sisters, but they never went that far. So I sympathize, and would buy you a beer and a cigar just for those. Eventually you have to forgive people, including your mom, for doing stuff they couldn't possibly understand. And move on. You're already moving on, so keep going. If you're mom hasn't learned yet, just move on in your own path without her help. If you can help her learn, then do it, but be yourself first and foremost.
God blessed you with an excellent sense of self awareness...
...you may struggle, but ultimately, you will triumph and become the man God intended you to be....
It's great that you can talk about it.
Btw. You're an anon. you stick up for truth, you're a real man,
Your mother's wishes are denied!
Thanks man, I guess that's what counts in the end
To the gym fren. Life will explode in the best way possible from this. Pray and lift.
Amen
Be all you can be, dude! Try lifting.
100% agree, get into some masculine hobbies like weights and martial arts. Try Brazilian Ju Jitsu or Muay Thai. These arts are hard AF. Communities are super supportive.
Get in classes or groups. The growth you will experience surrounded by (already masculine, strong) men will accelerate your progress more than you know. These communities are very supportive and accepting, don’t be scared! Get your ass in there
Think about how strong you are. You endured a lifetime of someone trying to make you something you are not. You have resisted and can talk about it. Give yourself credit, that takes strength.
Childhood programming can be difficult to break. I know that because until I was in my mid 40s I believed that what my parents told me about me was true, except none of it was, nor ever has been. Their perceptions about me were all based on how they felt about me, not on who I am. I don't remember how it happened, but at some point I realized that even as an adult they continued to view me the way they'd defined me as a child, and that's when I realized how wrong they are about me.
I'm telling you all this to let you know that in some way I've been through what you have and to suggest you that, because what we focus on is what we get, you shift your focus away from what your mother did to what you want to be. Examine what masculinity means to you and how you want to express it, then do that.
What you say is accurate, about how some parents try to define us in ways that go against our true nature. I've been trying to break away from all that crappy childhood programming over the past couple years.
Sometimes it sort of feels like playing whack-a-mole. You think you've found and addressed all the ways those things affected you and then, lo and behold, another one rears its ugly head. Keep at it and eventually you'll find and rid yourself of all of them.
This may help you: I figured out that the ways my parents mislabeled me was all based on how my actions caused them to feel. I tended to blurt out truths they didn't want to hear/see, which isn't a bad thing, but it made them uncomfortable, so they labeled me in terms of the discomfort they felt. Realizing that helped me to understand all the mislabels, to recognize how they affected me, and to find ways out of that mess. Understanding how pathetic their behavior was helped me to let go of any angst toward them.
Go through a step-by-step process of reversing what she did.
She used eye liner, ear piercings, etc... to transform and condition you.
So start lifting weights, eating meat, practicing martial arts to condition yourself to be a man.
It will work.
Ultimately you are spiking your testosterone and learning how to express it. You are going through a biological and chemical shift, so take it easy at first as your body adjusts.
One step at a time. Two steps forward, one step back it's fine, that's still an upward trajectory, so don't beat yourself up. Set expectations. Don't expect to do everything all at once. Will take a bit but you'll feel so much better.
Good luck bro!
Cheers. Speaking of shifting back my biology to something better.. I worry about all the vaccines I must've gotten as a child.
You've already won the battle by realizing that she did that to you and it is in no way your fault that you couldn't express masculinity. Now, it's time to heal by killing that inner hurt child and flourishing as a child of God. Listen to the holy spirit and you can be guided to be who you were always meant to be. That experience will also help to shape you into who you were always meant to be. Use the experience to grow and become the strongest that you've ever been.
Juijitsu, good people, discipline, accomplishment
Personally in my opinion if a person’s parents didn’t treat them right I don’t understand why society expects the child to care for the parents. It’s an unending cycle of mental abuse of guilt that then causes other types of pain for future generations.
Please see my story. You aren’t obligated to feel anything to your parents. If you desire to have a relationship that’s ok. I encourage you to forgive, not for her, but for you! Forgiveness will help you heal. You don’t have to forget!!! Honestly I don’t we should ever forget what people do to us. We should keep our guard up. People that have been through life’s 💩 get a thick skin & it helps be tough. It can also make us vulnerable. It’s very hard to trust. I’m so proud of you. You have a risen above what she tried to do to you. You already know who you are. In fact you probably knew way back then when you were young what she was doing was wrong. Sometimes we are blessed with earthly angels that we aren’t even aware of. I’m not trying to get religious. I know my grandparents were looking after me. You might have had people looking after you. If you feel like it write down your feelings in a journal. If you need to burn it afterwards for your security do it.
Blessings to you & take care.
I’m speaking from experience. My brother was my moms favorite & I always felt like something was off between me & my mom. We never got along. When I was a teenager she accused me of pushing me away. My dad drank bad, but always worked, that didn’t help matters. When I was an adult looking at pics & remembering little things. I was my dad’s favorite & my brother was her favorite. I don’t know why. I know he was possessive from what my grandparents told me. A couple years before my grandma died she said my mom never wanted to have anything to do with me. 💡 I said thanks for confirming! Then things were happening with my grandma, mama & uncle. 💡 I realized the same things happened with them. My grandparents had favorites also. Thankfully when I had a child I told my husband we would do everything the opposite with her. My husband was raised in such a normal family it’s scary. Bless his heart didn’t know what a dysfunctional was family until he married me.
I read a testimony of a young man who had no role models for manhood and he came across Kipling’s “IF” poem and it changed his life. It taught him what him what he needed and he became the father he never had.
The hairbands had eyeliner and pierced ears and all the groupies. Just saying . . . Bulk up if u are thin. I’ve watched my youngest son who has a genetic crippling disease build muscle over the last year. If he can do it u can too. But do move on. There is no gain in living in the past. Someone will love u for who u are. But u have to start with yourself. Realize u are not to blame. Hand it over to God and get on with your life. We have too much other we must fight against than to fight a past which we cannot change.
Yeah maybe the eyeliner isn't the most pressing thing in the world, but besides the superficial shit like that, she definitely did raise me in a highly emasculating way.
Go find yourself some rednecks and crack a beer with them. You’ll learn pretty quickly.
That's always been a bit of a dream tbh
Grow your beard and pubes for a while. Eat a carnivorous diet. Exercise. Not Richard Simmons exercise, but manly activity. And my biggest suggestion would be to go camping for a weekend at least, if not a full week. Not like in a RV. Just you, a tent, a sleeping bag/air mattress, tools like axes to cut firewood, and some foods and drinks. Learn to gut and clean a fish so you can cook it over a fire that you started yourself. This is how I grew up. There is nothing more manly than sitting by a fire with the sound of the wilderness around you, eating a fish that you caught, cut into fillets, and cooked.
Funny that you mentioned Richard Simmons - honestly even he's more masculine than what my mother tried to turn me into.
Well I guess the real question though, is what do YOU want to be? Are there any hobbies that you’d like to pursue?
Yes!
Respectfully - what has been your father's reaction to all of this?
He pretty much just let it happen. He wasn't aware of the consequences of how my mother was shaping me. He's not what I'd call super masculine himself.
my advice? start hittin the gym more often, being strong and in good shape is like the epitomy of masculinity.
people treat you better, women want to be with you, and you can be as feminine/masculine in personality as much as you want. why? cuz u got the muscle to back it up!
-marines
Also, learn skills That men have in every day life. Learn to work on your own car, or at least the basics. Changing tires, changing the oil, spark plugs, etc. You could go even further and learn to replace basic parts like alternators and starters. Constructing things with wood and power tools would also help. Doesn’t have to be elaborate or pretty. Just has to have a function lol
What was the matter with your father standing for that? Your mother was a sick person. She should have been happy that you were born healthy, no matter your sex. People like her do not deserve children. I am so sorry you had to go through that trauma.
Very possible the father wasn't part of the picture. In some cases like this, the father doesn't even know he's the father.
He was around, he lived with us, but yeah he was not involved in my life in any healthy way. Only around to cause more chaos.
My father basically doesn't give a shit about me, and he's not the most masculine person either. They're both sick, and they don't deserve children - thank you for getting it.
Cut ties with her. Put up impenetrable boundaries. She doesn't deserve the blessing of having you in her life. Build your own life, one where you raise your children correctly, and don't let her in. She lost the opportunity to be a part of your life.
How are you supposed to live with yourself? Be you! Not whom your mom wanted you to be, not whom society says you should be. Be whom God created you to be. The REAL you. The most masculine thing you can do is be you and make no apologies for it. Kudos to you for being so mentally strong and self aware to make it this far.
Thank you :)
and this is absolutely true
That she is, very very much so. Or "it" I should say. Just watches TV all day.
Best you can do is forgive your parents and move on. Cut the negativity out of your life. THEN masculinize the shit out of yourself! Lift, hunt, fish, work hard and raise a family. Be the best dad you can ever dream of! And your mothers seething will be hilarious—though you’ll be too much a Chad at that point to care about how she feels lol
You’re going to go far 👍🏻
Now you know what it looks like and how it impacted you, look for opportunities to use this understanding to help others.
If you need some older guys to learn from, join a BSF group https://www.bsfinternational.org/ and go play bingo with your local veterans groups. The older dudes need and want younger guys in their life too. And you can learn masculinity from them pretty fast if you feel like you’ve been short changed.
Lord Jesus, I ask your hand in this. Please bring wisdom and discernment and guidance for this person. In Jesus Awesome and Almighty name, Amen
instead of focusing on how your mom tried to feminize you, cause you can't change that, focus on becoming a man. that is a journey every man must take, whether he has great parents or not.
Jordan Peterson or Jocko Willink might help show you the way.
Watch gay dudes' mannerisms on TV and try not to act like them. I'm not trying to be a smart alec but they usually have feminine hands gestures, the way they stand, speak, etc. that sets off people's gaydar.
Honestly this is good advice, this is already something I watch out for in other guys all the time subconsciously, and tell myself "thank goodness I'm not that bad." (Maybe I'm being judgmental here - wonder if any women can share their thoughts on the whole feminine mannerism thing?) Most guys in my city have feminine mannerisms and gestures. Something about city living will do that to you it seems.
I'm glad you saw the suggestion the way I meant it. Stay strong and don't eat any of that fake meat substitute they're pushing so hard...it's full of estrogen!
I didn't know we were against talking bad about one's own parents, seriously. When you have parents that are abusive, you have every right to speak how you want. I wasn't abused so I cannot relate and I'm sorry you were raised like this.
Agreed, and thank you for understanding
If you can grow out some facial hair. That is distinctly a male characteristic.
I have to disagree! I know of many gay men with great beards. Even cross dressers have beards. Some men just can’t grow facial hair & that’s genetic. I’m a woman & I don’t look at a man with a beard or mustache to decide if he’s a man. To me a real man is there for the people in his life. If he can’t do the job himself he makes sure it’s done by someone who can. If the man is a father he’s always there for the children until he leaves this earth. I was once asked by a male co worker why women were attracted to guys that drove pick up trucks, wore jeans, rough around the edges, “red necks”, country boys, cowboys, etc (they do come in all races) I said because a woman knows she will always be taken care of. Most likely f those men know how to fix anything. They will stand up to anyone to defend their woman, mother & children. They don’t care about impressing strangers. They like the simple life. (I understand they all don’t fit in this box.)
They are also not competing with their wives to be the "prettiest" or "best dressed". My husband is all man. He is not perfect...luckily, I am not perfect either. When we had almost back to back Hurricanes, he came in pretty handy. I had a working generator with air conditioning. I even had running water. I knew that no matter what that together we could survive. A lot of women have been mislead too. Society told them they could have it all and have it all at the same time. You can't. Something suffers.
Yes, this is so true. I've made a conscious effort to not be like that - striving to be the prettiest. I'd imagine that an excessively vain partner would be a huge turnoff to women.
I agree with your points, @moodyblue. You are right, there are a ton of great guys who can't grow facial hair. It's all about the personality. It took me a while to realize this myself.
This is the exact opposite of how my father was, as it turns out.
Again, exact opposite of how my father was unfortunately. I would have preferred a father who didn't care about impressing anybody and just wanted a simple life. Simple = happy, we are not complicated creatures.
I understand! My dad is so complicated! He will do anything for but the strings attached are so big I call them chains. He calls my husband before he calls me because he knows I stand up to him and usually say know to what ever selfish request he has. Unfortunately I live beside him. It’s cheap living & I’m stuck! He’s 78 still works, won’t stay home & excepts me to take care of my mom. I’m not able physically or emotionally. He once told me had over a million in the bank. (Not including what’s in stock investment, 401K) I’ve said over & don’t save your money to leave to me & my brother. Use it take care of him & mom. He’s that selfish & money hungry. I don’t get on social media on Mother’s or Father’s Day. I’m happy for people that can experience that type of love from their parents. All I feel is guilt. I’m thankful I had I had a roof over my head, clothes, took wonderful trips my entire life till I was 18. I had adventure but I also had a world of uncertainty that lead to me being an alcoholic from 9th grade through age 20. I was on weed from my junior year in high school till I was about 20. The only thing that saved me was finding a man that was the opposite of him! Yes, my grandparents were there but I lived with my parents & anything out the normal can break a kid. I believe you have it in you to find your way. I think you are already on your path. I believe that because you are asking questions, seeking questions & you are here. I believe this is a positive place in general. We don’t have to know each other personally to connect. In your real world surround yourself with like minded people. Learn how to read people. People will be fake!!! You don’t want those people in your life. Be cautious of who you tell you story to. Not that isn’t shameful but people will try to hurt you or they might want to do as your mom did. If you want a long term relationship & when you are ready. You will know when the right person comes into your life. I know someone that never dated & meet someone dated for a year got engaged & married a year later. They will be 30 this year. I believe she never meet a person she respected until she meet him. Your life will come together when it’s supposed to. Our lives are little chapters like a book. It’s forever changing. I’m in my 50s & I’m certainly not the same person I was in my 20s or 30s. Blessings💘
My point was not to say the same types of things posted. I see your point but I know women who feel the opposite about beards. I don’t really concern myself with the gay community so I don’t care what they do. I know some super gay people can grow beards but fact remains they are men. It’s just a physical characteristic but one solely associated with being a man. I agree that having a beard doesn’t make you a man but I stand by the fact that it is only something associated with men.
Yeah you and moodyblue are both correct.
I understand & I see you point. I didn’t get what you meant at first. I’m glad you told me. Not to imply you weren’t clear. Sometimes I’m a little ditzy!
I do have some facial hair. It's thin and patchy and probably better off being shaven, but it exists haha
Everyone is a victim of their upbringing to a certain extent. But at some point, you are responsible for yourself and your destiny. The sooner you embrace 100% responsibility for yourself the better. Don’t give in to the temptation to use your parents as a crutch for what you do with your entire life. Leave that to Redditors who pride themselves on being oppressed and suffering from disabilities. Pride yourself in improvements, accomplishments, and becoming the person that satisfies the reason for your existence
Read the Bible and you’ll read about every characteristic that a man should possess. How to be strong, loving, a provider, morally sound, how to carry yourself etc.
I often say that rebellion in kids often stems from perceived injustice. Kids feel justified rebelling because the authorities are unjust. And they're often right. Parents need to ask themselves if they're to blame for their kids' rebellion. I view your case as child abuse. But, in the words of my dear departed brother, "We got thru it the best we could." For some reason that comforted me. Its like first we have to survive our childhood, only to learn they're still trying to kill us.
All this advice about "healing" via masculine activities? Not every "man" has to go to the gym or do taekwondo to prove it? No, it begins between the ears. You were born a man- the fact that you've endured this abuse to the point of sharing it here on GAW proves such- a fine first step, but somewhere inside you obviously already knew.
My humble advice is, now that you're aware of the abuse, is to be who you are (or wish to be) and learn to embrace yourself. Know that you're mother likely suffered some form of early abuse- at the least misguided or even mentally ill? Forgive her (which usually requires superhuman strength) but, most importantly, forgive yourself for whatever guilt you have carried? Then maybe pursue a hobby which interests you, like say... the pursuit of Truth?
You are surrounded by love here, fren
I'm not. I lived with some awful examples, and I know the fake church has dumbed society down so much that it's all too common to find people defending abusive situations.
I want to smack the shit out of these brain dead people when they tell me "oh, well that's your mom." No dude, when your parents abuse you, like really abuse you, you don't make excuses. You get away from them, just like any other abusive human being.
My mother used people, knowing they would parrot these mindless morals without giving it a second thought. All this so she could keep getting away with abuse. It was always too late when these people woke up and realized that they were lied to.
But I digress, lets look at Ephesians 6:
1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3“that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
4And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord
There's two sides to this agreement. You obey your parents as they raise you to follow the Lord, and they don't provoke you to wrath; against them or God, while doing so.
Now use your best judgement, does your history provoke wrath towards following God's commandments? This is a tricky one, because keep in mind he has a commandment to obey your parents.
So if they do provoke you with abusive situations to mistrust them, then yes, they are provoking you to wrath against the commandment of "Honor your father and mother".
Trust me, absorb that and save yourself the years of counseling.
Thank you, I wholly agree that parents should not be defended when they genuinely suck and are abusive. The type of people you describe who say "they're your parents dude" are the type of commenters I was afraid of getting. There's a double standard here: if you saw somebody on the street who was doing something dumb, like wearing a mask, you might call them out on it, or at least think "wow that person is dumb." However, if I write about my parents doing dumb things, some people will say that my parents should be forgiven.. for no other reason than the fact that they're parents. Double standard. All those vaxxtards that people here hate on.. many of those vaxxtards are parents, who force their kids to get vaccinated.
As for your mother.. I bet the situation you described isn't all that uncommon, where the parent leans on the fact that people in society tend to blindly defend the parent, no matter the abuse that's secretly occurring. I've done a lot of research on abusive parents over the past couple years and have tried seeking support for it online. If it's any reassurance, I want you to know that there are a lot of people out there who see through the tricks that abusive parents have up their sleeves, like your mother seems to have - a lot of people out there who don't blindly defend the parents and realize that covert abuse might be happening within the household.
I've been on reddit to help me through this parental trauma, but I posted here on .win for this particular issue because reddit is of course a leftist propaganda platform. And to anyone who reads this and thinks I'm an undercover redditor trying to break up peoples' relationships with their parents - no, I think that's an absolutely evil thing to do - it's just that shitty parents do really exist, and in great abundance.
Tell the toxic hag to F off and I hope you can have a good life.
Be removed from identities. If you have amnesia, 'you' would still exist, but all your memories and 'identity' would be gone.
Be in control of your memories, then produce self amnesia and decide who you want to be, you don't have to be overly masculine. Retain a little bit of a 'feminine' side to make a well balanced human being.
what is superman without clark kent? super boring.
I think I know what you mean about retaining a bit of the so-called "feminine" side, and I appreciate your comment. For example, having a sense of humor and being able to meme - little things like that which contribute to making someone a normal, likeable person.. as opposed to being that stereotypical, stoic, stone faced, coal mining, whiskey-drinking type man.
Clark Kent being the "nerd", but being a nerd is a wonderful thing and indeed makes Superman look dull and boring. I wouldn't even consider these things "feminine", we just kind of lack the vocabulary to talk about it accurately I guess.
What my mother did on the other hand, I don't think made me a more interesting person in any way - the opposite in fact, just sort of made me her personal doll.
I'm sorry you went through that. I was raised by a feminist mom and with two older sisters, but they never went that far. So I sympathize, and would buy you a beer and a cigar just for those. Eventually you have to forgive people, including your mom, for doing stuff they couldn't possibly understand. And move on. You're already moving on, so keep going. If you're mom hasn't learned yet, just move on in your own path without her help. If you can help her learn, then do it, but be yourself first and foremost.