I am honestly not certain where to post this. This is very lengthy. Please do not jump on this post to belittle me - I've sincerely had enough pain over the years. I’m a very private person, and this is really doxxing my life by getting into these stories that I am about to share. But I am sincerely at a point that I don’t know where else to go, what else to do, or who else to talk to. I know this is not a forum designed for counseling or assistance but I am at the bottom mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. And I don’t know how to get up again. (And I say physically, because the stress of everything has had me lose nearly 40 lbs of weight).
In all ways, I am in between a rock and a hard place. I see no way out and no path to any type of future.
So… here goes my story.
One evening, my wife and I were lying in bed. She told me I was her soul mate and she could never ask for anyone else on this planet. It was literally about one week later, which was exactly 15 months ago, that she randomly came to me and said “I’m not in love with you anymore, I want a divorce.” My mind was in such a complete shock that I don’t even know how to describe the process it was going through to attempt to comprehend what in the world possibly happened to change things. For months and months I rode my bicycle just to get away and cry to myself not just from the pain of it but from the 'not knowing' part.
So, the simple solution here would be for her to move out. She refused to move out, even up unto this day, she will not move out. I got in contact with an attorney, and he advised me that she should be the one leaving. Unfortunately our finances do not allow for either of us to go anywhere or do anything. (and I say she refuses because I mean that, in a sense, she has friends she could live with. They are not in the same city, but she does have good friends that she's known for decades).
I battled this so hard and was unable to ever get an answer from her as to what happened to our 10+ years of marriage and what made her choose this path. “I’m not happy anymore”, “it is what it is”, “what do you want me to do about it,” “I can’t change how I feel”, are the responses I got. I felt, and still feel, crushed.
Over the course of nearly a year I worked on trying to fix anything and everything - trying to identify any problems, trying my best to rekindle things, and, for a very brief moment, she said we’d “see what happens.”
About four months ago she randomly came to me again and this time said we needed to be in separate rooms.
I sincerely feel like I am being emotionally and psychologically tortured. I have to see her every day and still have conversations about her schooling, what she’s doing in life, etc., but somehow separate in my mind that we are just ‘friends’ at this point. I have seen no one else - nor has she (to the best of my knowledge). About once every few weeks, she’ll attempt to have a blow out argument with me over things that make no sense - like if a fork was left on a counter, or if I did something that, in her mind, wasn’t right. I say attempt because I refuse to give my energy to any of it. I just can't. I have to keep things peaceful for my child.
I feel like I am literally in purgatory and that I cannot ever escape, as if I'm in a black hole that has sucked me up and will not allow me to leave.
My interest is ensuring that my daughter is not wound up in all of this. At the end of the day, she sees and hears things and wonders if Mom and Dad are going to make things work; it’s not fair to her to have to go through this. I spend a lot of extra time trying reading her scriptures about love, happiness - overall trying to give her a solid, positive environment. All the while, ya'll, I am slowly turning to dust.
I sent my wife a text that, if it was typed on word, must have been at least 3-4 pages long. She gave me no response - the underlying message was that I needed to know what we were doing so that we could begin moving on with our lives and determining what the future would look like, custody, etc. I approached her and asked her the next day and she said “How do you want me to reply?” To which I asked her if this was what she was wanting. All I got was a “…yeah.” So, after 15 months, I finally decided it was time to go ahead and file the paperwork. Yet I sit here wondering what that’s even going to do - I can’t afford to file it and, even after I file it, we’re still here - stuck in some weird limbo/purgatory.
To compound all of this, I work one full time job and one part time job and still just barely make the ends meet. And I am just continuing to push and push for my daughter. I am constantly putting off one bill to pay another - fronting my current paycheck to pay a bill that was due two weeks ago, etc. We have one car and it was purchased when the used car market was sky high - so now we’re ridiculously upside down on it and there’s no way out of that. Even if one of us could move, the other one of us does not have transportation.
We have sold nearly everything we own (as we moved into a furnished house), outside of a couch, a dining table, our computers, a few random miscellaneous things. I am now really starting to believe the "you will own nothing" phrase.
I cannot afford to leave. I do not see any situation that would ever grant me the ability to afford to leave because I am working so hard just to pay the bills we currently have. I have no resources at my disposal. None. I found a little 600 square foot place that I figured my daughter and I could move to but I can't a) cover the move-in costs, b) ensure that my spouse has somewhere to go, and c) I don’t meet the requirements due to income levels, anyways.
I thought about just renting a room somewhere - and literally the only rooms I can find for rent are 2 hours away from my daughter’s school. She suffers from autism and I absolutely cannot pull her out of the school she’s in. I need to stay living in the same area to ensure she has the education that will allow her to succeed in this life.
To add to all of this, throughout the last four years, we've had six deaths in our family and I think the its really taken its toll on both of us.
And now, my only friend, who told me I didn’t even need friends because she’d never hurt me and always be the one to be there for me, doesn’t want to be around me anymore.
I literally do not know how much more gas is left in my tank, y’all.
Ultimately, I’ve determined we need to pay off the current vehicle, or at least get us out of it, have a second mode of transportation, file the divorce, and ensure that we each have a place to live while we raise our daughter - even if it’s just a small 300-500 square foot space. I don’t care.
If anyone has any coping techniques, skills, suggestions, or just anything, that would be sincerely appreciated. I went to one of our local churches who informed me they had events on Wednesday evenings and I can’t make time to go because I’m at work during those times. I literally cried in front of the Pastor and the most he could tell me was "I'm sorry - maybe you could attend one of our groups on Wednesday." I texted another Pastor from an old church we used to attend and his response was "we will pray for you!" Literally seems like no one cares.
If you all know of anything. Anything at all. Please let me know.
*I must note that I am absolutely not considering taking my life nor would I ever. I have a daughter to support and she is the reason I continue to go everyday. I will say, however, I am so very weary and I am almost completely out of strength. I continue to rely on Christ for my strength and pray daily for wisdom to see what he's trying to show me as well as for his mercy through this time.
Thank you all for reading. I have no one aside from my daughter, and I obviously cannot discuss this stuff with a child. So even a comforting word or message is appreciated. Or if perhaps you've been in a similar situation or story, I'd love to hear from you.
Edit: Thank you to the mods for pinning this, it means a lot.
Edit 2: Thank you all for your prayers, comments, and suggestions. It sincerely means so much to me. I have had no one to talk to about these things so it truly means a lot to me. Thank you so much. Really nice to know that there are so many here who believe in God, too, and encourage that. Never knew I had a family here. Truly a special community here - thank you.
Edit 3: I'm getting mixed messages. Do you guys think I should be filing for the divorce? or just continue to hold out and wait until she files? keep in mind this has been going on for over a year now.
EDIT 4 AND UPDATES: Some people said I should snoop. She left the house today and left her phone. Pretty bizarre that she did that. Where'd she go? Who knows. I didn't ask. (She was gone about two hours - honestly - I don't care and asking just shows clingyness.) I actually feel like she did this as a test to see if I'd go on her phone. She left it sitting right on the kitchen table. I tapped it once - several notifications. But i didn't unlock the phone. Instead, I went and grabbed her computer. Messages are not linked up. Weird. But photos are. What did I find? Well, to elaborate on something ya'll dont know, er ex-husband passed away several years ago (4+ years ago now). I was there for her during this. It was really hard on her and, to be honest, it really hard on me, but in a different way. Not trying to sound narcissistic, but it's weird and difficult to watch your spouse of over a decade mourn the loss of her ex and have to comfort her over that. I did my best and went through it with love. (She spent nearly a few months crying - every day was just straight miserable). Well, lo and behold, I see all these saved photos to her phone. Like each and every one saved every few weeks. All photos of him, photos of him and her together, variety of things that were all screengrabs from Facebook. Odd because we share a facebook account and I don't see that in the Facebook history log - guess she deleted it. So this is weird. Maybe she's still in some kind of weird denial that she shouldn't have married me, should have stayed with him? I dont know. Note: I am not a 'homewrecker' - they were divorced for two years before we met. I've taken a lot of time to reflect. Here's what I've figured out. -Time to man up -Bought several books on masculinity -Bought some dumbbells for the house -Signed up for a gym membership -Read some articles and watch some videos on posture - going to start carrying myself without a slouch. Time to present myself as a man and not be whiney about all this. We'll see what happens.
Father...make a way where there seems to be no way. Lift the burden that has gotten to heavy to bear alone. Give peace where there is no peace, strength where there is weakness...fill the spaces with your love.
Thank you
De Nada ..it is an honor to take you before the throne.
In agreement, in Jesus' Holy Name - AMEN
Ghost her in her own house and concentrate on the kid. Become extremely annoying to her by simply ignoring her. Get you and the kid food. Go out with your kid. Watch movies with your child. Ignore your ex until the papers are done and file a restraining order against her. Strike first, Strike hard and no mercy.
This. She has completely disrespected you, repeatedly. It is over and has been for a while. Accept it, give thanks that you still have a mind and body to continue. And look forward to a better future.
This is the way. You must make the first move. And make it decisively.
I agree with the above comments. She seems to want to push you out of your home. Don't leave. She must leave if she wants a divorce.
File for divorce and Restraining Order...cite examples of her behavior.
Is she bipolar, mentally unstable or have substance abuse issues? Does she work? You are working 2 jobs and are the responsible parent.
Look up the Legal Aid in your area. You can get legal assistance where Cost is based on your ability to pay.
Now is the time to Network if you know any powerful people who can aid you or have friends or relatives who have powerful friends. Perhaps they can steer your path into a better paying job.
Continue to pray and believe in God! Show him you are trying to better your life and your daughters. Have Faith!
We will pray for God to open doors in your life and you will have the wisdom to recognize them and the courage to walk through them. 🙏🤍
You and your daughter stay in your home. Follow the above advice. Quit thinking that making sure your selfish wife has a place to live is your responsibility. Look out for number 1, yourself, so you can protect your daughter. Your wife has mental problems. She needs to leave. Get proactive and stop wasting your strength wallowing. Your story is almost as bad as what was done to my son. It almost killed him. Tell the Lord you place this whole mess in his hands. Please take Karmlik's advice! Every word! By the way, yes you should file. Be strong not a victim.
I had to stop reading because this is a re-telling of my own life story. I didn't think there was any way that I could make it through, but I did. Every situation is different, but my best advice is to do exactly as you are doing. Give it to God. All of the pain. All of the feelings of betrayal. All of the anger. All of the worry for your daughter. In my case, I was forced to leave the house. I found a small apartment near by. By December of 1999, she divorced me and I was doing the every other weekend visitation thing with my 3 children. It sucked, but I did everything that I could to keep the peace. My ex decided that she needed to find herself. She and the kids moved in with her parents and then I started getting reports from her mom that things weren't good and that I should fight my ex for custody. I did, and won, which is HIGHLY unusual in the state of Texas so you know that things were pretty bad. Long story short, even though it may not seem like God is hearing your prayers, He is and even these problems are nothing for Him to solve. He loves you. He will NEVER leave your side. I truly understand how earth shattering this is for you fren. You will get through this and be amazed at the blessing God brings into your life to fill the hole.
Thank you for this. And honestly I have not filed anything nor left because I keep referring to my Bible which tells me that I am not to divorce except for that of adultery. I made a covenant to her, and to God, when we got married. Sadly, she does not feel the same. Sorry to read that you went through this as well, but I'm glad to read that you got custody and got to the other side of your trial - it's good to know that there's light on the other side of this. I've downloaded about 8 apps over the last year, bombarding myself with guided meditations, motivational quotes, affirmations, bible quotes, bible studies, and gratitude journals. Really clinging as best as I can right now.
She has abandoned the marriage which gives you grounds for divorce, at least it did for the 13 elders and pastors at my church who concurred that my husband had abandoned me and the marriage and allowed me to divorce and then to remarry.
Good point. This helps for sure as that's been a mental roadblock for me since I base a lot of my life on the Bible.
Same here. She divorced me. We're 100% on the same page. If you need a fren, I'll create a dummy email and send it to you so that we can hook up. I'm almost sixty now and what you are going through now was the most difficult thing that I ever endured.
She has nullified your covenant. Theres is no covenant.
"But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace." 1 Cornthians 7:15
This is my suggestion. Ask God what He wants you to learn from this experience. Maybe some self reflection on yourself or something else, like how you react to rejection, hard situations, and so on. Only you know what your flaws are, and if you don't, then dig deeper. Know that you're a slave to money right now because you feel that if you win a million dollar today you can get out of this "between a rock and a hard place". Seek other answers, seek what is not seen. Ask God to let you learn it quickly so you can move on to a better chapter.
Just posted an update to this. Did some peaking on her computer and found all kinds of photos she'd recently saved to her photo library with her ex husband. He's been passed away for several years. But this seemed odd tot me. Additionally photos of her and her best female friend who wanted us to separate when we very first got married. Now I know who's in her ear and brainwashing her.
FULL STOP FREN All of the choices are yours. Who are you? It's up to you to decide what you want and to make your world what you want it to be. It doesn't have anything to do with her ex or her toxic friends. What do YOU want. You deserve to be happy. Fuck all of that codependent stuff.
Might be worth trying:
Don't ever give up and say your prayers.
Thank you for these suggestions, much appreciated.
Yes. There are many Christian nonprofits around, although it does depend on your area. But seek those out for help with food, clothing, utilities and even a month a rent as well as as connecting you to a Christian community that cares.
Good advice. Get on a list for housing assistance. You pay lots of taxes. You deserve the help.
Matthew 6:26-27
26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Take it to God, fren. He's waiting for you. 🙏🏼
I have, for months :( I've spent so much time on my knees in prayer.
Praying is good, equivalent to speaking to God. Meditating, on the other hand, is listening to God. “Be still and know….”. That’s where you’ll find your answers. The strength you need is within you. In quiet, you’ll receive the guidance you need.
Don’t make any major decisions when you’re in a conflicted state of mind - that never leads to anything positive. Be patient and things will work out, seemingly without any effort on your part.
Yes. Meditation is great. Glad there's some of us here that doesn't believe meditation is satanic.
It’s definitely not satanic, although some forms can be counterproductive in the sense that they can induce a hypnotic state (i.e., repetitive “om”s, etc.).
He's working and hasn't forgotten you. (Hug) I pray for peace, strength, comfort, and guidance.
Maybe God is teaching you patience. Just let go, give it to God. Fast, pray, live like a priest, quit any vices you got, focus on your jobs, and daughter, and try to just ignore wife's presence, be cordial, and focus on your spiritual journey. At least you still have a home, a healthy kid, roof over your head.. look on the bright side. Alot of people has much less than you. Divorce and court will be bad for your daughter, maybe suck it up a little and be patient because God will open doors for you when you surrender your life to Jesus Christ completely.
But , " I work one full time job and one part time job and still just barely make the ends meet."
1 full time job for you to pay for you and your daughter will lighten your load & encourage idle hands to contribute to her survival or not.
Dear Fren,
I too have been in a similar but not identical situation. My last divorce involved my ex taking the kids to the outermost limits of the agreement whilst I worked 3 jobs just to keep up with alimony and child support for several years.
All I could do was work, write checks, and do my best to make 2 hour each way rush hour drives to visit my kids.
Eventually, I was able to overcome debt and obligations. Now that situation was lessened by having a new woman, now wife of 17 years, in my life who helped vastly.
From what I've learned through lawyers, guns, and money is that don't retreat. If she asked for the divorce, put the burden on her. Don't move out of this house, otherwise, you will not see your child as it needs to be seen.
Stand your ground. Become aggressive in a non-violent way. Now is the time to man up. Make it her fault. You've taken the high ground.
And pray to God every night for guidance and direction.
PS - Is your wife a lib or turning more lib by any chance?
Thank you. This is what I keep telling her, too - if she wants it, she needs to file it.
No, not liberal whatsoever. In fact believes in a lot of the same things shared on this site. With that said, she did just complete a college degree (she went back to school - I worked my ass off so she could attend school, virtually, for four years. At the end of it, she gets a degree. Me? I get a divorce)
she did just complete a college degree (she went back to school - I worked my ass off so she could attend school,
probly got brainwashed
Anyone else in the picture? Are you positive?
If there was, it would be an emotional one. I have no reason to believe she is physically cheating. She's almost always home and if shes not, I know where she is. Though her phone is guarded like a hawk. So thats why I say it could be, but from an emotional perspective (texting, calls, etc - not sure)
Did she share the password to her phone with you? My wife and I both know and use each others' phones as needed..
She changed it about a month ago - also took her phone off our phone plan and got her own plan. She did share the new one. I asked why she changed it and she was like "what? what's wrong with me changing it? why cant I change it? I wanted to." I don't snoop on it. Heck, I can't - it's glued to her. She even takes it into the shower with her. I've been beaten down so heavily that I honestly don't want to come across something. I'm already shattered and have no interest in finding something I don't want to find.
My husband also guarded his phone, but I got into it when he was asleep one night and found out he was having on-line relationships with two women who were also scamming him of thousands of dollars. There’s a reason she’s guarding that phone.
Sorry to read this happened to you. I think so, too - there's gotta be a reason to that - but things are probably deleted and cleared, who knows. I leave my phone behind all the time. Example was even just today, we went out to grab food today and we were at the gas station and I had to go inside - left my phone in the car, no concerns with doing so. Doubt she would have ever even considered doing the same.
If you still love her, finding out she is cheating emotionally or physically could help you get over her.
And the most important advice I will give you is this, and please make sure you do this:
Write down everything you disliked about her, all of it, focus on those things you disliked about her, read them daily when you are feeling down.
She’s having an emotion affair at the least. Accuse her of it. The relationship is over and you must protect yourself and your child. Is she on any SSRIs?
If you question them if they found someone else, they almost ALWAYs get very mad. It's guilt.
She's cheating buddy
Maybe, but regardless, it doesn't change what the outcome will be. The relationship is over and it's time to make good things happen. There was a reason this occurred. She clearly isn't a good soul and it's time to go.
Yes, to some of the other points above even the people we would least expect are capable of cheating. The world is pitted against us, especially with social media, technology making things available through a click. Regardless of whether she is or isn't is irrelevant; if you love each other you can work through it but her acknowledging is first step and you forgiving. Will be a lot to work through but if she is once the excitement wears off she likely will see error of her ways. Even if she isn't, there is obviously something causing that block. So you all need to identify and address it; again my experience is a pastor is a great place to start, not a therapist as they often are just as good if not better at breaking people up than bringing them back together.
somebody she's texting with is like working for the devil, planting bad seeds in her mind. When you pray, ask God to stop this person causing chaos and mayhem in your marriage. Your wife could have been charmed, women can go through that when yearning for new romances to add excitement back in her life, like a shiny trinket, but those are fleeting and only last a short while. You must be the rock and pray the right stuff like ask for the things like the root of your marriage and who's breaking it apart, and for what purpose? I think it's to steer you away from God and lessen your faith.
It sounds to me like what’s called a “shit test” (I don’t know any other name for it), and if so, you didn’t pass the first run.
That’s not the worst thing. We often don’t, and this is absolutely recoverable. Pray, and plead for grace from God. You do owe it to your child to give your best here.
Do what you can, for certain, but there are times in these where only God’s intercession will save things. Give no indications that “I’m open to it if you are”, or “if that’s what you want”. A shit test is checking to see if you’re willing to fight for her, and that includes if she’s the opponent.
Engage with a Christian counselor for advice as well.
There’s been a lot of us there lately. I myself have sat in the dark with a gun in my hand being empty of bullets and clicking and clicking it. People will tell you next week will be better but you’re worried about the next minute trying to live. It reminds me of being in Mexico next to the ocean with rip tides and I decided to go in (like a fool) being a good swimmer. I was taken under and not knowing where the beach was nor up or down while drowning. I BEG to GOD for one more breath of air and he gave that gift to me ONE MORE breath of air and I pop out of the ocean look around saw the beach and swam like hell. GOD give this man one more breath of air AMEN
You're not wrong.
For the love of God, please do not fall into the "redpill manosphere". It's basically the man's version of feminism. Obviously it's not wrong to be masculine, but that "redpill"(and I use redpill in quotes because that group co-opted that term) bs is not it either.
Consider looking into redpill philosophy. It is not the man's version of feminism at all. I think it would help you to look into it. For one thing, stop texting or emailing her pages of explanations. It can only work against you.
This, and go on Bitchute and look up Rare Breed Theory. He deals mostly with modern women but will give you insight on how to handle these situations, and tips on how to, with all due respect, "man up."
Lifting you in prayer . Asking God to open a door of opportunity for you.
''Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go!'' -Joshua 1:9-
Wonderful verse. Amen.
Some churches have a “benevolence” program with a budget for situations like financial hardship. If you haven’t already asked, try calling some local churches and ask if there’s anything they have for that.
My prayer is that there will be something like that where a church will come alongside you with brothers and sisters ministering to you and your family in love. Praying for Christ’s love and transforming power, more than just a financial fix.
Had no idea this existed. I will look into it. Thank you.
Look into faith based social services. Check your local food bank as most are connected in some way to churches who are supporting them.
I went through the same thing in 1979. After 8 years and 2 children, she wanted a divorce. I was crushed, Contemplated ending it all. I couldn't eat without getting sick. I got down to 129 pounds. After the divorce I went crazy with alcohol and other substances. Thank God He did not give up on me. I came to the end of my rope after 3 years and cleaned up my act and started over. I was attending church and met the woman I am married to right now. I could never love any person more than her. We have a wonderful life and through all the trials I had before I met her I count them as nothing compared to my life now. Keep the faith and know God will not give up on you.
This is incredible. I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Hold on, my friend. Back in 2002, my father came down with kidney cancer. It was sudden and it was brutal. It was while I was gone for 3 weeks each on two occasions that my ex-husband decided that would be a good time for him to have an affair. And I found out about it on the heels of my father's death (he was 55 when he died). It was like I'd been hit by a train when I found out about the affair. My ex is mildly Asperger's, as is our son. I never would have expected him to hurt me like that. But, in my heart I knew he was setting me free. I would have felt like a terrible person had I left him, but I was pretty miserable and had been for some time. I felt, like you describe, like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Him cheating on me made it so that I could let him go. We tried for a couple of years after his affair to work things out, but in the end I couldn't get over that he showed no remorse and seemed to have no comprehension of the pain he had caused. But here's the thing...5 years later I finally paid attention to the neighbor who kept plowing my driveway and visiting me as I worked in my garden. He had been through the same thing I had been through--his ex-wife cheated on him. He is my husband now. And I adore him. And he adores me. We've been together for 14 years and I thank God for him and our Brady Bunch family every single day. But when my ex ran me over like a freight train, I could not have foreseen the joy that all of that destruction was clearing the way for. God has you. Many of us will be praying for you. Just know that a brighter life awaits you and in the end you will be grateful that your wife let you go so that space could be cleared for someone who truly appreciates you.
So terrible that your ex-husband did this. But your turnaround story is so incredible - and that's really funny how ya'll met with you gardening haha. Thank you for sharing this, really helps me see that there can be more on the other side of this and that it's not the end.
Today God showed me manifested answers to my Psalm 91 prayer I have covered my life with for 3 years. Yesterday, I was barely hanging on. Keep hanging on fren - the battle is the Lord's and He is fighting for you!!
I read your post but none of the comments. Your post is 1hr old at the moment. I just wanna say I feel this so hard. I was in a similar situation a couple years ago but we didn’t have a child together so I can’t speak to that end. I reallly don’t have any advice. All I can say is I think you need to separate yourself from the situation. As hard as it was and all the bullshit it helped. I had a folding chair, a stereo, and a mattress. That was it. I ate tuna and crackers and I cried. A lot. But I was back in my own without the toxic mind fucks. It’s hard man. It’s hard. But it get better. It WILL get better I promise.
Since that time the Lord has blessed me in so many ways. I still don’t have much but I’m actually on w it. I’ve made new friends. These new friends actually give a shit about me. I can’t complain about life at all right now in that aspect. Yea, the country has gone to shit and times are tough, but the things that truly matter… I can’t complain.
Be ok with what you have, want not, and just simply love. Love everybody. Even those who hurt you. Just love people brother.
You have my prayers and I hope the Lord blesses you with understanding.
o7
PS I’m phonefaghing sorry for typos kek
Don't just pray to the Lord, anon, but also give your troubles to Him. We have control over only our own children in diminishing degrees when they're young, but little to no control over adults, be they our own children or spouses, friends or other family.
I recently went through some inner turmoil regarding a loved one, felt that there's no way to make progress and was feeling helpless. After too many days of letting myself go through the proverbial emotional grinder I finally gave it to the Lord. I pretty much said, "Lord, I cannot deal with this and I cannot change things. I'm giving it up to You to deal with and I trust that Your will is going to be done regardless of whether I understand the reasons why or not. I trust You to make the path straight and I'll accept whatever happens." It admittedly took a couple more days of me quashing any anxiety that began to rise, reminding myself that I trust Him in His power and His infinite wisdom, whatever the outcome. And I do. In my heart I trust Him. And then I was free from worrying and, lo-&-behold, the "issue" resolved itself.
Don't just go to Him praying for the outcome you'd like to see, but give Him your trust and turn your worries over to Him knowing and trusting that His will is going to be done as you carry on the best you can under difficult challenges.
I'm sorry you're going through this, anon, but when this ordeal is over, in your past, you'll likely get more clarity about what's going on. For now just carry on in faith that much better days are ahead. Godspeed. 🙏✝️
Lifting you up. Welcome to the battlefield.
Heh, was actually thinking to myself at one point "well, ... where we go one, we go all ..."
I am a little confused. You said you have nothing but a car so I am assuming your place is rented. You said you need to find a place for you and your daughter and your wife. My question is why are you worrying about where she is going to go she was the one who made the decision. She should not be living with you if she doesnt want you then you should be telling her to go and find her own place to live. She is not your problem.
You didnt mention if she is working or not if she is not it seems to me she will stay with you until she can find someone who can support her. If not you should be telling her to get a job and support herself. She chose to not be with you and there is no reason she should be staying with you.
This did not just happen she has never been in love with you. No one goes from being your soul mate to wanting nothing to do with you. It sounds to me like she has never wanted to attempt to support herself.
You didnt say what kind of job you have so I dont know if you make decent money or not. If you do than find a place for you and your daughter to go that you can afford to live. You dont need a big place. If you dont make much than take your daughter and move to a state that is cheap to live there are some around.
I would not be surprised if your wife has already decided she is taking the child and taking you for all the money she can get out of you by law. You dont say where you live so I dont know what the laws are where you are for separation but your wife sounds like a user so do not be surprised when she pops that on you.
It sounds like you believe in God so pray to him to help.
You also sound like you are at your wits end. I was that way once long ago when I knew my husband didnt love me but I did love him. I would have preferred to die than leave. I started seeing a therapist who taught me to be assertive. I went from the therapist to picking up my kids and move 6 hours away and had no problem at all. You would be amazed at how fast your thinking changes when you can talk to people.
The bottom line is this. Stop thinking about your wife in the problems you are trying to solve. She needs to take care of herself and you need to take care of yourself and your daughter. I know you are hurt but you cannot force someone to love you if they dont want too. Take a deep breath and think seriously of a life for you and your daughter. Do not waste one more minute on your wife she is not worth it.
That's correct, we are renting. And that's true - I should move on and not worry about where she goes. But I've supported her for over ten years now and no, she is not working - so I do not feel it's right (despite how much pain I've been dealt) to just put her on the curb and move out. Regardless of what she's put me through, I just don't have the heart to 'man up' and do something like this. I'd prefer she lines something up for herself rather than it being forced upon her. She has no work history and no income outside of me, so her going to try to find a place would be extremely difficult. "Not my problem" is of course what I should be thinking, I know. I just can't. I've questioned myself on this before, too, like why can't I see it that way. But you're right, my focus needs to be on my daughter and myself. And that's what I'm working on now.
Do you have insurance through your work? Check on mental health benefits for some counseling. There is also telehealth so you don’t have to go anywhere. Therapists don’t tell you want to do, but they help you sort through your thoughts and emotions and you identify a direction and how to move forward. Sometimes just a few sessions can give you the clarity to unstick yourself to move forward.
She has a friend or two to live with until she realizes she needs a job and she's on her own financially. You take care of your daughter and yourself. You can develop a decent coparenting situation down the line when you each have more emotional and financial stability. Meanwhile, the kid is the priority and you must be all there for her. Her mother certainly isn't and hasn't given her daughter's future a realistic consideration. God bless.
Then all I can say is I pray for the 3 of you to come out the other end ok.
Your post makes me angry. I thought I shouldn't post but feel lead to do so. A couple of things, I praise you for everything you have shared. I have been in situations like yours and know that they arent easy. And on top of that what works for one person may not work for others.
I am a firm beliver that someone that isn't walking your exact path can't do much but offer prayers. Id like to offer something that may help you see a path only you can find.
First: make a complete and honest list of all the good and bad things in your life. Don't think about how good or how bad just list them. Do this for days until no new items pop into your mind.
Then do the same thing making a list of ways to break the difficult situation you are in. No matter how wild you think the idea is. List the idea regardless of feasability. No idea is too crazy. Can't afford it? Ignore that. Your daughter's special school means you can't leave the area? Ignore it. Every idea goes on the list. Again, spend days until no fresh ideas come.
During both the first and second step, pray for Gods guidance in making your two lists. Ask for His help in making sure every idea goes on the list regardless off how crazy it seems.
Once you have both lists you look at your two lists and on a scale of -5 (not important at all) to +5 (very important) look at each item on both lists and give it them a score. Once done you will have a list of ideas and the emotional connection to you. This helps assign the best idea for you. Not your wife, your daughter or your finances or ability to carry out.
Sometimes we have to shut out everything but our two lists to see what ideas God has for us. Sometimes assigning your emotional priorities to the craziest ideas help you see what is important and what is holding you back. Even financial road blocks become easier to overcome once we focus. God is the master of helping us find our focus and shutting out the reasons that encumber us. God Bless you. Many prayers for you and your family.
I absolutely love this, thank you. I will start working on this tonight.
I'm so glad. Keep us in the loop. We are pulling for you and your family.
Trust that God will create a viable path for you and your daughter. Things are going to get a lot better, but they happen when Lord deems it. In the meantime, relying in Christ for your strength is an incredibly powerful force. Your love for your daughter will also carry both of you very far. Please don't give up.
Yes, I believe he is refining me right now. God does some of his most incredible work in times like this - all so that when I get through it, I can look back and say "God got me through that." It ends up becoming my testimony for God's grace, strength, and love.
Truth! God is refining ALL of us!
I agree with many comments here. She’s been emotionally jerking you around, and you’ve been too dependent on her love.
Let her move into a different room, but don’t help her do it. Live as roommates don’t expect love and closeness. I’ve seen couples live as roommates for their child. Develop yourself, let her go, or at least “the idea of her” which is whatever you have been projecting she is in your mind. See her realistically. Don’t talk to her at all if she criticizes you or complains or wants anything other than politeness. Work on your own self esteem, positive self talk. Don’t get attached to her changing or being different. Just let that go. See a therapist by yourself, there are many agencies that have low fee or take insurance.
Bless you and your family. This is a trial of the hardest sort, but you’ll get through it.
Thank you. I should have mentioned that - we've been sleeping in separate rooms now for the last four months.
The LORD moved in my Spirit when I read this so I will give you what Brought me back to JESUS after I saw this world going to HELL. I am ANON and follow the Chans and x as well as here but I needed more strength, and this was it. Maybe you can watch them together and be blessed. JESUS LOVES YOU, BELIEVE IT. https://rumble.com/c/JulieGreenMinistries Do not believe the negative hype you will hear but follow along in your bible and let the WORD teach you again.
Thank you for this, I will watch some of these tonight. I have watched nearly every video from Times Square Church (Carter Conlon). Been consuming a lot of scripture over the last year.
All I have for you is my prayers. Hold on to that little one as they give us strength to endure and know that you have people who are keeping your struggles in mind when we pray. Good luck and gods strength be with you.
Don't file. Ride it out. Not many options but hope it gets better.
Something has to give, but it can't be solved today. Chill. Pray. Endure. What real other choice do you have.
True. Thank you.
Parent the best you can. It's nice to be loved but it's vital to have purpose. You have purpose. Maybe just maybe she'll remember why she fell the first time and fall again.
I went through a real cold time with my wife. It got better. It hurt but I'm glad I stayed true. I can't promise it will get better, but it can. Focus on dad stuff, tune out the bad noises. Good luck and God bless you.
Prayers for peace, strength and comfort.
Prayers on the way fren.
Sounds to me like she is clinically depressed or that she had a mental break. Point: Why didn't she get a job if she wants a divorce? She knows you do not make enough to support two households. I realize she may think she needs to be home with your autistic daughter, but unless she gets housing, food stamps, and income from the state, she will have to have a full-time job.
So, I figure she is either too depressed to take any steps forward, or she has an inability to see reality.
Even Costco hires people without work experience. They pay well enough to where she could survive, if she had a roommate. There are plenty of jobs out there for first-timers.
Who knows? If she started working, she may even perk up out of this funk. Productivity releases good brain chemicals.
Question: Does your wife seek God in any way?
And if it gives you any peace of mind, her not moving out means she doesn't have a new guy. My friend recently had the same thing happen, his wife of 10 years told him she no longer loved him. She pretended to make it seem like she didn't have a new dude by letting him "work on it" for a month, then she took the step to "move out for a month" to "see if it will fix things", but it was all bs, she had a new guy.
Have you asked her if she has a new guy? How did she react?
I was told by someone I would be alone from now on, after ten years of being everything to each other. I tried to win her back during the early stages of dating her now husband. Eventually I had to give up, I did not break my oath, my pursuit of the noble and divine nature of love.
Normies are idiots. Loyalty, conviction, engaging in something whole heartedly means nothing to them. They do not know what truth is. They do not know that life is more than face values and that actions have cosmic, eternal consequence.
This wife of yours wakes up randomly, I don't love you anymore, and she lacks so little introspection she cannot even figure out why or remember why she did indeed love you and have the tenacity to grab on to that love. She is drowning in an ocean full of lies, and unless she is willing to reach up for help nothing will change.
Not to mention, she sees the tangible and physical proof of your love everyday in your daughter, and has the audacity to be as cold and heartless as she is.
Women like this, like your wife, like my ex, they are the dictionary definition of 4-6%. Drastic measures are required unless you want your daughter to grow up into a cynical, corrupt husk of a woman
Surrender your worries to the Lord. Remember that worrying won't make your circumstances any different. From personal experience I believe that there is meaning to our suffering. You will grow stronger from this as long as you don't let the negativity win. Focus on the love you have for your daughter & the things you are grateful for, even in these difficult times. You will get though this fren, even if you can't see the sun for the clouds, it's still shining behind them. All things come to an end, so don't despair.
It feels like she is subjecting you to narcissistic abuse. There are many channels on YouTube discussing but also books. It is a very difficult and insidious manipulation. In the meantime focus on your daughter and realize that we all need a positive vision and reason to keep moving.
100%. I've read about this a lot and I've tested it. I've noticed that if I keep the conversation focused on her, she glows. If I ask what she has going on, hype it up, build up on that, tell her how much all that means, how cool it is, etc, etc, she just glows up. If I then try to turn the conversation to talk about my work, she fizzles out and gives very basic responses. I do believe she has this, probably narcissistic bipolar, or possibly borderline personality disorder matched up with narcissism.
That recognition is valuable. The narcissist undermines your sense of self. I really believe as a society our government abuses us as a narcissist would and you are also getting the abuse on a personal level. I think the double dose ends up giving you feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Know there are many of us who do pray and wish for others to find peace in difficult times. Build upon the strengths of surviving each day.
I am so sorry for this situation in your life. This is my take.....since you said what you did about how she has suddenly become so protective of he phone etc. I definitely believe she is seeing someone else, even if it is on rare occasions. The scenario I see is that this other guy is either married and not able to "break up" his marriage for one reason or another.....or maybe does not want to break up, other wise if he were FREE and if he was financially able, she would have been out of there a long time ago. Ask God to SHOW YOU TRUTH and he will. If she leaves her phone for a second, do what you can to get the numbers she calls and redial. If you have the opportunity, find out the TRUTH.
You deserve more and better. Know this. Leave her with love in your heart and wisdom to preserve your daughter and yourself. Win win.
From a lady pede…
I would stay. No divorce for now. Don’t leave. I feel like she could change the narrative and say that you abandoned her and your daughter. I don’t know if that’s something that could happen but I’d err on the side of caution. I didn’t see the age of your daughter but if you could stay until she turns 18, I’d try and do that.
Have you or your wife considered counseling? Make sure it’s a Christian counselor, if that’s something you want to explore. Maybe, just maybe, there is something going on with her? Medically? Mentally?
You said you’ve asked her what’s going on, but have you really listened to her if she tried to tell you? Not just hear but actually listened without judgement or letting your feelings get in the way?
Women are complex creatures and nothing is really black & white like it may be for a man. It can take me a long time to finally get to what’s really bothering me in a disagreement. God Bless my husband for enduring the time it takes me to get there in figuring it out. (And yes, something unrelated to our marriage can bother me, it festers, and I will many times take it out on him. I’m not proud of that, but it happens.)
Ten plus years of marriage is a long time. Marriage is never always easy. It takes work. You said you are working 1 and a half jobs, then spending quality time with your daughter. How much time was left for your wife? Do you have the option of hiring a sitter and going on dates with your wife?
Oh, that reminds me…. There was an excellent book I read years ago called, The Love Dare. It’s on Amazon for just under $10. Its written by two Christian authors and it was quite insightful.
I have to go for now but I will be committing you to prayer and checking in later.
** Highly recommend the book, The Love Dare!
First - You need to take control of your situation - Sounds like you keep running in circles trying to please your wife - whom doesn't seem interested in living in holy matrimony.
How ever you come to that conclusion - you need to do it...Heart mind and soul and move on...
Then you have plenty more hard choices ahead...But first you need to figure out that you need to take control of your life -
I will look back on this thread periodically
Yes, this is very true. I'm definitely running in a circle. A continuous looping pattern. Groundhog day.
Start making plans without any of her in consideration...If she doesn't move out... Fine, You move out...Stop wallowing in a bad situation -
Find a way..Its not that difficult to find another place ... Even if you have to move to another area - Just get your name off of the lease and give it to her
If you don't have enough money - Find a better job - Even if you have to move to another area...
My first wife wanted out, didn't really give any reasons and it took a few months figure out that there was no chance of reconciliation...I gave her everything and only took my cloths then left...started over
Its not easy, but it is toxic to stay in that situation..
I am a woman and I hate women doing this. Women have to change! Marriage and having children is not a game and men are so disrespected in our society these days. Women have to choose wisely before engaging with men, marrying and getting pregnant. Most of them make choices just from fantasy land without having clear and strong value and the capabiltiy to make strong deals about their futures with a man. They discuss nothing before marrying to get clear how life together will be.
Dear fren, let it go into the hand of the Father, who knows best. Let it go in his hands, give up the resistance and the wish to figure it out. You have to start trusting him again.
Dear Father shine your love, peace and forgiveness over this family send them wisdom, clarity, protection and all the bllessings and miracles they need. In the name of Jesus Christ. Thank you.
Said a prayer for you. Keep praising God and protecting that kiddo through this storm and you will be blessed when it’s over.