One of the casualties of the last election cycle was a near forty year friendship that blew up rather spectacularly a few months before November. Insults were given (I held my temper and only received), and when I tried to resolve it a few months later, I was rebuffed.
At some point, I began the mourning process, but underneath the grief was also ANGER. I had told myself that when tempers cooled, we could work things through.
It’s now been almost a year. I’ve written several emails that I never sent, and finally tonight picked up the phone.
I very politely explained our friendship hadn’t ended over politics, but over the insults. I was asked why I had waited to bring this up all of these months later, and I pointed out I had tried to resolve it with a “we need to talk” email that had been responded to once with “not now” and never brought up again.
My friend tried to focus on political concerns. I returned the conversation to the insults and attacks on my character. My friend said he didn’t want to talk anymore, and I ended the conversation with “and that is why we aren’t friends anymore” as I hung up the phone.
I feel so much better. It’s like a weight has been lifted. Having someone attack my character in order to minimize my credibility is not what friends do, and while I believe in the value of forgiveness, I don’t need to subject myself to that level of abuse.
Loyalty is important; attacking my integrity is not the actions of a loyal friend.
Cutting the ties that bind should not have been that simple. I wonder why I waited so long to do it?
I've cut a load of people out of my life too. But I was often the insulter, mostly because I escaped a communist country to live in a non-commie one, and have a hard time swallowing people who don't realize they belong in a nazi museum, or who were brainwashed to the point of oblivion.
Good riddance. Your life will only get better when you surround yourself with loyal and upstanding companions. Fuck everyone else.
Great criteria.
I’d venture to say that many if not most people on this site/board are going to be doing some significant reevaluation of our relationships in our circle of friends (and family). I know I’ve lost a great deal of respect for some of the people I know due to this BS. I consider myself extremely tolerant of poor behavior - to a point. Once someone steps over the line I turn my back on them and that’s the end of it.
You’re not a doormat, OP, and don’t deserve to be treated poorly. It’s better to align your expectations of people with reality and move forward from there. Quality not quantity.
You can forgive them in your heart, but you don’t need to be spending your precious time with them.
Fuck that dude... I'll be your friend....
Thank you! 🙂
Remember if they resort to insults you've won the point. It's a natural defensive human instinct.
So don't take it so personally, remember first they mock you then they attack you then you win.
40 years is a lot , don't give it up so easy. If you also got angry that mean you need to do more research and gain more understanding of what is going on. Much like when a child try to tell you something you know isn't true, but the child is convinced, you would be annoyed not angry right? Even if the child turns rude.
Your friend is a victim of propaganda, they are told to attack Trump and his supporters. We are evil racist bad people they are told. You friend probably thought you chose evil, how could you?
Perhaps you should accept that they victimized your dear friend. Wars is ugly, we are at war, don't be fooled just because there is no gun fire. Walking corpses are still corpses. Unchained slaves are still slaves.
I didn’t get angry. I didn’t resort to insults. I was literally insulted over an accomplishment that is on my resume from sixteen years ago that was documented in national media with a “fifteen seconds of fame” thing. I was told I don’t know how elections and vote counting work (I’m an actual election worker), my accomplishment didn’t happen, and also that I don’t believe in science (despite running an actual scientific study about a decade ago, and being certified to do it by the NIH).
The attacks were intended to destroy my credibility because there was no way a reasonable person could support the Evil Orange Man, or be questioning anything like masks or whatnot.
I could have been okay with “sorry, tempers are high with a challenging political climate” but it’s nearly a year later.
And I’m done.
To me this sounds like your friend is experiencing cognitive dissonance.
Your friend drank the Kool aid, and he's all in on what the TV told him is true. Then he sees you believing something else. Clearly you're an accomplished individual, and I'd even bet that your friend sees you as intelligent and accomplished (even if he won't admit to that right now).
Everyone experiences life as if they're watching a movie, and they are the star character. Most see themselves as having the best qualities like kindness, rationality, intelligence, etc. regardless of the objective truth. Only the truly humble can see their own faults (Jesus said to remove the log from your own eye, before you remove the speck from your brother's eye.)
Enter cognitive dissonance.
Your friend believes 1) he's smart and rational. That's reinforced by seeing other people believe and behave the same way he does, even if he only sees it on TV. Your friend also believes 2) that you are smart, rational, and accomplished, but you believe and behave differently. Those two beliefs (1 and 2) are in conflict and your friend sees the conflict.
So when you present facts and arguments counter to the way he's been living his life, it doesn't matter if you presented a 100% perfectly logical argument completely devoid of emotion and personal attacks. Your friend is experiencing a challenge to how he sees himself as smart and intelligent. He's presented with the possibility that he's a fool and that he's been deceived. So he experiences it as a personal attack.
There's only 2 ways to respond. If he has humility, he'll entertain the idea that he was wrong and that he's been deceived. Most people don't have humility. The other response is to dig in his heels and say that you are the one who is wrong.
So when he says that you don't know how elections are counted and that you don't believe in science, he's not trying to convince you, he's trying to convince himself to preserve his own self-image.
You're certainly free to cancel your friendship with this man. But 40 years is a long time. I would advise to just wait for your friend to catch up with reality. If we are right about elections and the pandemic, then the truth will be undeniable for everyone eventually, and at that point your friend will be forced to see that he was wrong, and once he accepts that, your friendship may be able to go back to how it was before.
Great post Beerman. I can relate.
Wow, one of the best comments I've seen on this site
No one can control how you feel. And if you are in total control of your feelings, would you not make it a pleasant experience for yourself?
side note A funny lesson I learned: Recognition and accomplishments, unlike money, doesn't keep friends well. In fact quite the opposite.
I had lunch with a friend 2 weeks ago. They took the vax, I had a lot to say, but thought what good will it do? I'll just enjoy their company, and I did. If your friend accepted the fact you presented would it have changed anything?
Also consider Trump. He is the leader of our nation, and he did what is best for all, even those that slander him. He's a literal genius billionaire and look what they do to him daily for five years. Yet look at his accomplishments.
I'm sorry to say, but I think you should reconsider your pride in light of what Trump went through, what your fellow compatriots goes through. We are in it together.
Is the pride in yourself, your accomplishments and handwork, your knowledge and integrity, dependent on others' perception? or is it a static, immovable mountain?
I learned something from a good friend regarding other people whom i thought were friends. And that is a quote.
Blowing out someone else's candle does not make yours burn any brighter.
And from this quote i learned that people that wereworking to downplay my accomplishments were not real friends, they just thought their accomplishments would appear better.
He didn’t see your friendship as worth putting aside his own ego for. Good riddance. You did your best but you can’t reason with commies.
You handled this well. I think you could empathize with Dr. Ben Carson quite a lot. He went through this belittling.
You should feel better - you done good. You should be proud of yourself for separating politics from personal attack and making sure your friend knew why your friendship ended. You stood up for yourself in a very admirable way and thank you so much for sharing as it made me realize that this is essentially what happened to me with a friend but I didn't figure out, as you did, that it was the personal attack that I'm having problems with as opposed to the politics. God Bless you Patriot.
Thank you for the support! The grapevine was telling me the friend thought we were having political differences, while I was really stuck on the insults and character attacks. I am shocked at how much better I feel now - I said my piece, and now I can drop the rope.
You need a friend who will drive the white Bronco.
I lost my best friend of 30 years January 2020-I am glad he didn't get to see what has happened to our Republic, but he was truly based and overcame my liberal past with logic; I would have liked to know what he would have made of this mess. I miss our daily phone calls and meetups at our local flea market. There are but acquaintances' now, some I trust a bit, some are the "I sure hope you're right, bud" group...
I lost two acquaintances that I can't say were friends, but we got along despite their rabid liberalism. But when I refused to get the "vaccine" jabs, they took it on themselves to call me quite a few choice names. Fortunately it was easy for me to let them go and I haven't regretted it one bit.
EDIT: Down south we have a saying... a friend will help you move, but a REAL friend will help you move bodies.
Nice. I’m gonna use that!
I'm going to look out for you when I move to TN
so as not to get on your wrong side!!
Heh.... no worries, it's just a saying. Tennessee welcomes patriots.
I understand the sentiments you express. It's regrettable that your old friend is so petty that he can't see past his own bitterness.
He tried to make it about politics, and actually said “President Trump is trying to steal the election!” 😂
It was a three minute phone call. It’s good.
You friend is not only disloyal, he is stupid.
Yep. I waited a few weeks for tempers to cool, sent an email saying we need to talk, got back “not about politics”, said this isn’t about politics and have been waiting ever since for my friend to initiate the peace talks.
I’m the one making the decision now. The friendship is OVER. And not because of politics but because my friend is a Bad Friend.
Can it be repaired someday? Yes. But it would require actual effort and a sincere apology, which I don’t think I’m going to get.
And I’m okay with that.
painful. he's smaller than you thought he was, or shrunken from his own myopia. the insults have nothing to do with you, are just projection. it's how the Left fights.
we are here for you.
You didn't really hav a choice. Even Jesus did say that if you share the Gospel and you are rebuffed....move along.
Having said that, for your own sake fren - forgive. It is a sketchy thing to hold a mind control victim to account. There but for the GRACE of God go we all. Thank God we are NOT mind controlled. A bit of pity for those less fortunate. Which doesn't mean "let them kick you in the head all day long". Again: once truth is shared you can move along
This thing, whatever we want to call it, this mess of politics, communism, covid and the kitchen sink really has caused lines to be drawn, hasn't it, oldtimer? And like you, I'm okay with that. You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. Some friend he was. Sounds like you're better off without the toxicity in your life. Someday, hopefully, he'll wake up. And he might look, but he may not find you.
One thing I always tell people is, "forgiveness and forgetfulness are two different things." You can forgive while still not being friends. You can forgive while not forgetting the BS he put you through and the attacks he levied against you. You aren't wrong for ending it.
Stay strong brother. I've lost my fair share of friendships over the last few years, but I stay true to what I believe and what I can back up.
You may see him again. And then he’ll know by God you tried. In the end, Where We Go One, We Go All.
I feel ya. I had a tight group of mixed political friends... they turned on me and labeled me unstable... one is a psychotherapist and was actually EVALUATING me to discredit what I said.
That still stings quite a lot. Those relationships can never be be fully repaired. I wish them well, but it's sad when a trust is broken.
There's only a sadness when I think of them, even all the memories of good times are tainted now. I try not to look back much, only move forward, but things I'd normally share with them come up from time to time and I mourn a bit.
That's really sad he kept trying to turn to politics... I will be patient with my friends as I refuse to follow the media's divisive bullshit, however if we can't agree that politics need to be kept in their place and not come between us well... I don't want to give up on anyone so I won't.
Remember, we have God, 100 million pissed off patriots and almost half of the world's guns behind us. We don't need their validation. We know how this ends. They need us more than we need them... but in the end God never gave up on any of us... why give up on them?
It is so disconcerting to see many of our closest family and friends actually be seemingly AOK with having more than half of their countrymen ostracized and silenced via MSM, social media, etc.
My concern is not the differing of opinion, good debate is fun and necessary! But when an opponent appears comfortable in ostracizing, bullying and negative labeling to win, that does not align with my core or foundation of character. It shows a very weak opponent.
But Oh My, do not think for a moment that they think their foundation is solid. Their Fear must be so Out of Control.....
I have been literally stepping back and lifting up my soul and physical frame to get free of the low life worm snares of hate, fear and evil. When I may want to proverbially lunge in and strangle, stepping back, out and above helps me.
Praying for all and by the way....
TRUMP WON!
I've found it is so much easier to stick with like minded friends. I don't even bother friendships with lefties anymore.
You buried the Hatchet
Ive found that I've let people into my life that are plain stupid. Some remained for 20 plus years. With as many truly good friends I have, I need to let the others go.
Culling is happening at all levels.
I have prayed to be around, no surrounded, by followers of Christ. By those who outwardly say they love Jesus and worship Him. I have taken the actions, some placed before me, and have received such people. Just a few days ago I was told by a church member, of the most recent church I’ve been attending, that because I talk to much... that I will be ran off. How interesting. Because I walk up to strangers, stick my hand out to greet them, and speak my mind..I’ll be ran off. Now I don’t pay much mine to this, as how my character is, you’ll have to burn the place down around me to get me to leave anything. I’ve never been pushed or shoved out of anything I wanted to go too. Am I used to being surrounded by enemies, yes. But it’s different this time. I’m here for God. My Father in Heaven has lead me to this place for a reason. And that place being any place..(GAW, church, store, job), He knows my character, my heart. He knows I’m a natural to be confrontational. Perhaps that’s why God has lead me to this church. I pray to be used by God. Use me in any form you see fit Lord. I can’t wait.
And like OP here. “Why did I wait so long?” Its because the Lord knows when to use us. There’s no telling what your former friend feels now. Perhaps what burden or weight you carried for a year, just got passed onto them. So be ready one day for your call. Maybe your friendship will be stronger one day again. I’m glad to hear stories like this. Confrontation is very much needed nowadays. It’s sometimes the only way to get peoples attention. But let them make the mistakes. Keep as much love in your heart as you proceed. Let them break the “rules”. It’s character building friends. 👍
If something doesn’t go their way, they’ll sabotage it.
I can't wait for how stupid they're going to feel when the truth is finally out.........good riddance to sheepish rubbish
I saw a meme for clothing that said look in your closet and look at each piece of clothing. If you would not buy that peice currently if it were in the store, get rid of it. Even though we have enjoyed someone's company for many years and invested in each other's lives to different degrees, if we met that same person for the first time this afternoon, would it be someone you would want to be friends with? If not...let it go. That's where I've stood with friends from childhood who no longer have values anywhere near mine, who have such foreign mindsets, I can't get a grip on where they are coming from. I know we've shared a lot of life, but not interested in sharing more of it. I can love them from afar. Very very "afar".
I understand, I've also lost friends and family members, but you know what, they were all so NEGATIVE about most everything, including me sometimes. Now I don't have to listen to and get caught up in all their negativity..........it is very freeing.
Watch what happens if you tell everyone you are Reborn in Christ.
Demons come out of the woodwork and it’s like an entire paradigm shift.