He's nearly 21 and has never had a job. He wakes up every morning eager to do something but never follows through on any plans he makes. One minute he was all amped up about residential pest mitigation and the next he wants to be an inspector for local rivers and help clean up debris... I am honestly frustrated, he won't cook or clean let alone help with our financial struggles.
I really love him with every inch of my heart and soul but I don't know how to get him to contribute more or be more independent. I really don't want to kick him out but I don't think it's fair for him to contribute nothing to our relationship.
I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice from my frens.
Edit: thank you all for your advice about my dog, I'll see if I can get him to cook but there's no way I'm letting him join the military. He kept that squirrel and neighbors cat out of the yard so I think I'll take him down to the river to fetch sticks.
Edit 2: I have found my kid employment, he is now wrangling small unicorns for work.
To be completely honest, it starts with you. Your Son is like this because you have enabled it. He didn't get this way overnight, you have allowed him to be this way. Had you made better decisions in regards to discipline and expectations earlier in his life you would not be here asking for advice. You need to make fundemental changes in your approach to him or else nothing changes.
Whatever plan you come up with, you need to stick to it and be consistent. No wavering or waffling. I'm not suggesting you get mean with him, I'm saying that if you give him expectations, deadlines and potential consequences that you stick to it. If you say it, mean it and follow through.
I'm sorry if this comes across as demeaning, it's not my intention. I have personally witnessed what happens when parents let their kids get away with too much. My younger brother is a lost cause because of it.
Some here have suggested tough love. All I'm suggesting is a little tough love towards yourself might be a good place to start.
Good Luck and Take Care.
He's actually adopted and I've provided for him since he was an adolescent, he's actually showed great improvement in my home but just hasn't quite figured out how to really give back to society and life.
I am going to say this because you asked for help and I truly believe you sincerely want the help. I am looking through the advice you have been given and your responses come off defensive. You are defending the situation, your actions and his at every turn. This is called enabling. I highly recommend ab al anon meeting just so that you can understand yout own pattern of enabling.
Ok, understood. While my statement was written with the assumption that this was your biological child, I do still think that having rules, limitations, expectations and consequences for actions/inactions needs to happen as long as he is in your home and you are providing for him. As much as anything, you want to prepare him for life on his own.
I am not ready for him to have a life that doesn't involve me. I care too much to let him go completely.
He needs a job. Something to show up for everyday and perform a task, even if it's only bagging at a local grocery store.
Give him chores to do at home and expect him to complete them. Tough love. If children never have goals, a schedule or expectations by you, the parent then they will never become a functioning member of society.
Your son is 20, an adult, now is the time. I will pray for you.
He cleans the floor but I usually have to ask.
Make a list and give him 1 chore each day. Write it on the calendar where he can see and be reminded. Help him look for a job and fill out an application.
1 chore each day??? It better be a big chore
I know...these are things I did at 8 years old...
Kick him out of the house. Don’t give him any money. It isn’t Rocket Science.
Where's he gonna go then?
He’s gonna go get a job.
He's gonna figure it out. It's clear he's not figuring it out while he isn't forced to.
Agreed.
Came here to say this. The dipass is mollycoddled. And we've got someone suggesting he do one chore a day to earn his keep!
son is vaxxed? that seems to be a big factor in this kind of thinking and behavior. there are detox protocols out there...
He actually did get the vax... I didn't have any choice in the matter.
Start detox immediately. Zelenko or FLCCC protocols
Dr. McCullough has detox treatments as well. This malaise could be vax injury.
Maybe a slow maturity level, never give up on a child. Brain maturity at 26! Many of mine came back after college and were welcomed then as they would be now. And all left and found successful careers. Be patient, be sure he does not smoke marijuana because it can crush motivation in some individuals. Not everybody!
He has taken a few edibles but I can tell you he's never smoked anything and has barely ever had any taste of alcohol
What about some sort of voluntary job helping local people? There must be something like that around your town and county. Its very rewarding and looks good on a resume.
My recommendation would be to send (take?) him to chat with a counselor at a local Community College. Let him see a path for his future. Perhaps he could be presented with options he hadn't thought of. School comes with responsibilities, camaraderie, competition and opportunities to be around like-minded people.
We did this with both our sons. Both went on to University. (One late 20s now, and other early 30s) One is a doctor and one will be a lawyer next spring.
I don't like the idea of kicking him out of the house. That could go bad a thousand different ways. Be tough, be firm, but guide him with love.
Best of luck.
I appreciate your advice but he's not very capable of communication like normal children. I'll guide him best I can but he isn't as intelligent as me and communicating his his feelings is very difficult compared to most people I know.
That's why he needs to go talk.
Maybe he will surprise you.
Start him on good balanced supplements vitamins, mushrooms, yohimbine bark, brain alpha and then give him little projects
Thank you for your advice, I actually updated my post and gave him a job.
Did you see this recent thread?
https://greatawakening.win/p/17rlrLMSQy/my-adult-children-have-given-up-/c/
I did and this was why I thought I'd ask for advice too
Serious question: Does he know how to clean and cook? Have you actually seen him perform these skills? I'm not judging; only trying to determine how much of this is a skills problem and how much is lack of motivation.
He's pretty good at cleaning up messes but I usually have to point them out. He's never cooked anything though.
If you expect him to cook, then the first order of business should be to teach him how to cook. You can make it a fun activity to do together. If he complains, then you can shame him for being 21 years-old and unwilling to learn how to feed himself. His future lady friends aren't going to put up with that shit, much less an aging parent.
And as for the cleaning part, again, it sounds like an issue where there is some kind of genuine mental disconnect where he just doesn't see or process that there is a mess that needs to be cleaned. It might be obvious to you, but it's not obvious to him. It's up to you to teach him how to spot the obvious and take care of it.
Give him a hard deadline to get a job and start paying rent.
I actually don't have a mortgage or pay rent myself, maybe I'm leading by bad example? I'm fortunate and grateful but it's pretty clear to me that a roof over his head is more of a right than privilege to him.
See if you have any good trade schools near-by, maybe give him the option of going to school.
What Pbman2 suggested about trade schools is a great idea. He won’t just be sitting in a classroom, he’ll get hands on training. Some trade schools have environmental job training, that might be an avenue of interest for him.
You aren’t helping him by enabling him. He’s 21 at his age I was 3 years into my military contract.
Well I guess he's 21 on Thanksgiving so in human years he was just born when you started your career in the military.
I mean this seriously....you are co-dependent. You are the adult and you are allowing this behavior. You're not his friend. You are his parent. You need to set (reasonable) guidelines, expectations, behaviors and consequences. You've made numerous excuses (Where's he going to go? I didn't have any choice. I care too much. He's not capable...more difficult for him.) You also can't continue blaming him (I tell him he's a burden). He didn't get here 100 percent by himself and he's not going to get better 100 percent by himself. Others here have given good advice on job/vocation path.
I'm his best friend and all he has to look up to...
Clearly, something went wrong somewhere. This is not an inditement of you as a parent, I know nothing of your parenting skills, but I do believe you can help NOW.
He is clearly experiencing some type of mental illness. It could be a light version. By that I mean, it's something he can overcome relatively easily with the right treatment. (And by the treatment, I don't mean pharmaceuticals, I just mean by taking the right steps.)
If this were my son, I would sit him down, talk it through with him and make sure he understands how concerned I am for him and for his future. Then I would start spending time with him, doing things with him that might help him make a decision on a career choice. It's a huge decision for young people, and many don't want to just settle for whatever is available (i.e., a job). They want to do something fulfilling and meaningful to them personally (i.e., a career of interest). YOU as a parent can help him with that. Yes, it will take some of your time, obviously, but imo will be helpful and get you where you want to go. Make him a "project" in your life and help him understand that this is not optional, that he must move toward more adult behavior. You will help him, as long as he does his part. If he refuses or is uncooperative, let him know that there is a deadline to this. You'll stick with him and be patient while he's working on getting himself together, but he MUST be showing you improvement. He MUST be making an effort. For now, he can take any old basic job - like working fast food, for instance, WHILE he is figuring out his long term strategy. Just the discipline of getting up and punching a time clock every day will be good for him.
For the long term strategy of a lifelong career / job, you can also help. As his parent, you should know what his interests are, in what areas he excels. Is he good with math? Is he more brawn than brain? Or is it the opposite? Help him to hone in on the areas where he is most likely to succeed. Then figure out - is this the sort of path that requires a college degree? Is this more of a trade school type career? Step by step, lead him to success. If you can't do it, find someone who can. Hopefully you will be able to. Good luck.
I'm going to take your advice. I started my own vocational schooling for him, I edited my post and he's now doing very well at unicorn wrangling.
This could be why he's having such problems.
What is it that you want from him? You said you aren't ready for him to live his life without you. You talk about financial struggles, but also claim to not have a rent or mortgage. He will clean, when you ask him too. Many, many people don't really do much cleaning unless forced to. Many, many people also don't do much cooking. Not saying that's great, just being realistic. If you are struggling with finances, you could approach him and say that you need help and can no longer do it yourself. Similar with household chores. The fact that he seems to be special needs in some way makes this a unique scenario. I would advocate approaching him kind-heartedly and appealing to his humanity, before the tough love (which is always an option later). But overall I think you need to focus in on what it is exactly you wish to see him do. It's not easy for someone who has never really done it before to suddenly flip the switch and become Mr Helpful and Mr Handyman.
I agree. So much more he is not saying about the situation.
He doesn't have any humanity in him, I'll try your advice but I'm not sure it's going to work.
My neighbor encouraged her son to do what he wanted, and that was acting. He works for a small theater for very little wages or no wages. He’s happy, but, never left home, he’s 47 years old. He had another job as an usher at the movies, took that job to watch all the free movies he wanted. Guess he’ll never leave. Never had a girl friend, ( he’s not gay).
I'm pretty sure my kid is gay, I've seen him lick weiners
Pick him up a New king james Bible and encourage him to surrender his life to Jesus Christ... the pieces fall into place after that
He can't read
Tighten the screws my fren. That's love. Option B is you'll have a dependent forever.
Someone to care for him in his old age, not fair to the kid though.
Ok, you asked... Set deadlines. Employed within 2 months. After 1 month employed he starts contributing a set amount in cash to you for % of util and house cost and food. Warn him that if he fails to do either of these things, he will be required to find a different place to live within 60 days of failing do what you require. Put it in writing, both sign it and date it and get it notarized. Free service where you bank. Make sure the paperwork states specific % of his net earnings you require receiving monthly. Give him a photocopy of the papers. Tell him you feel disrespected and taken for granted and that you are not willing to continue the way it is. Tell him you accept responsibility for coddling and spoiling him and now you have to yank off the bandaid. Remember, you teach people how to treat you, and you need to correct what you have allowed. I have grown kids. I know your concerns. I understand the conflicting feelings. Help you son be an adult man instead of a weak dependent man-child. Personal accountability must be learned. Good luck. Stay strong in spite of anger or sulking or anxiety. He doesn't have to earn a lot of money. This exercise is about fairness and responsibility. He can do menial labor and still dream of better things. If he is vaxxed, learn the ways to correct the damage. Get some "Mood +" supplement from Amazon. It'll help a lot. Read ALL the reviews!
I tell him every day that he is a burden and he doesn't care... or about money. He's got no problem eating my food and using up my resources however.
The time to train him was 20 years ago. Now you're going to have to create a crisis for him if you are going to force him to grow up. Maybe he'd like to join the military? They'd help him figure out what he wants to do.
He's actually adopted, I didn't have much say in his upbringing. The military won't take him.
I am guessing you have some experience with different social service programs. There are job programs for young people who have disabilities.
You need to make him earn any comforts. For instance turn off the internet until he works or goes to school.
I actually lived off grid and my phone was our only source of communication let alone internet and he was actually happier than he is today.
He should have had a job at 16. You allowed him to be lazy, and that is what he is. You now have to throw him out of the house, even if it means living in a tent or going to a shelter. He is not involved in life. He is a MAN. Not a kid. Give him a bus ticket to the state of his choice and wave goodbye.
First off, you're not alone. Don't ever allow yourself to think you are. That's an important step. It's a societal thing happening everywhere. I think it's a result of what others have written here about the younger folks not seeing where they'll ever be able to have a reasonably, peaceful life. Think about all of the BS they've gone through and the media gaslighting...nevermind the propaganda at gov't schools. The odds have not been in their favor.
My kid has always been a gamer and we stupidly thought it would help him with schoolwork or lead to some sort of IT work. It did after he graduated from high school but, like your daughter, he hated every second of it. I was pretty frustrated and was nudging him wherever I saw an opportunity.
A buddy of mine suggested I ask my son what he wanted to accomplish in life vs. me trying to find one for him. I found https://whatcareerisrightforme.com/ and had my son take it. I paid for one but the link above seems to be free. The results were a bit of an awakening for my son as the results showed he should get into some sort of training or teaching. It took a few months for him to take action but he got a job as a teachers aid and is really like it. He still spends way too much time on the computer but at least he's working towards something. It comes down to small steps.
Hang tough and stay close to your wife...and God. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQUdyJAJoAU
Re-read my entire post now. I love people like you, you're now logged in as a wonderful person in my book. I don't have a wife or children of my own but I do believe God has a sense of humor by putting me in this community.
Thanks for the nice words. Your guy is young enough he can easily recover. There are other career surveys out there but I'd suggest creating a junk email account or you'll get thumped by junk email. Best of luck and we're glad you're here.
I wonder if you are a person of faith? Time to lead by example, strive & deepen your faith. Share with him your experiences. Faith is powerful.
I would encourage him to get any job, a part time job…or volunteer at your local gleaner’s organization. Get him out contributing even if you must go with him for the follow through. A job, is a confidence builder.
Pssst... I made a satirical post about my dog, mocking a post that hit the top on GAW. I'm actually a pretty decent Christian with no biological children of my own. I love my dog and I thought it would be pretty funny to use him to point out a couple things around my favorite part of the internet. I took this joke too far but it's definitely people like you that make me love this place. My love and Rooster's 🐓 love go out to you.
https://files.catbox.moe/c9z7zf.jpg
I just kicked my 20 year old out. He grew up with me and his mom. She took off for DC for a 1 year rotation (lol....another dude she didn't think I knew about) when he was 14 and in juvi on a 30 day stint. He did 170 days over 7 months. After I divorced his mom I worked on wrangling him back in because it was obvious we went wrong somewhere, likely the constant fighting. He got himself out of the system just before he turned 18 finally. But he was doing nothing but.....nothing towards getting his life better. No GED, no Diploma. I fixed his hand me down car up and said "good luck". He lived out of his car for 3 months, working door dash and Jimmy John's. I kept a close eye on him. Always knew what parking lot he was sleeping in that night. I ended up going on travel to SAN DIEGO for 8 months. Told him he could go and it's his last chance with me helping. He got a job and got his GED while there. Came back home, he's out on his own figuring his own way out at 20. I don't know where he is, don't want to. I call him every other day or so and tell him I love him, ask if he's good, which he says he is. He wants to prove everyone wrong. He thinks everyone thinks he's a failure. He's a phenomenal musician, well known in my area. I know he'll be ok. It's hard. But it will be ok.
"failure to launch". My sister's kid graduated w computer science degree came home and played video games..they got a shrink that specializes in that...he's fine now working independant
Simple, next time he goes out for what ever reason, change the locks and put up a no vacancy sign.
I could just hide his food dish